#46: Warm Toxic Hug (feat. Six)
This week on Girl, Undrunk, Heather and Zoe are joined by Six for a conversation about sobriety, addiction, and survival. Six shares their journey of getting sober without rehab, navigating homelessness, trauma, and substance use. The episode explores long-term sobriety, relapse, chronic illness, endometriosis, pain management, body changes, and the reality of rebuilding your life from the ground up. With honesty, dark humor, and zero sugarcoating, this conversation digs into what recovery really looks like when you’ve had to choose yourself over everything else.
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Warm Toxic Hug: Trancript
[00:00:00] Heather: Hi everyone. This is Heather, host of Girl Undrunk. I just wanted to hop on quickly and let you know this episode was recorded pre holidays. Also, we had such a great time recording with six in studio. Their story actually brought up a lot for all of us and resulted in our longest recording yet. That being said, we did have to cut back a significant amount of the conversation just for overall flow of the episode.
So if you feel like there's some pieces missing to the story, there might be. That being said, we can't wait for you to listen to this episode. Please enjoy six. This podcast covers sensitive topics that may be difficult for some listeners. Please take care while listening.[00:01:00]
Hey, welcome back to Girl Undrunk. I'm Heather.
[00:01:08] Zoe: I'm Zoe.
[00:01:08] Heather: And today we have a very special guest. Six. Welcome to the pod. Hi.
[00:01:13] Zoe: Hi.
[00:01:15] Heather: This is very exciting. I feel like I've known you forever, even though we just met and I just realized. We don't know each other. I'm like, wait, no, we're already comfy. You're
[00:01:22] Zoe: like, wait,
[00:01:23] Heather: but you two have met.
[00:01:25] Zoe: Yes.
[00:01:25] Heather: Do you wanna just give a little brief history?
[00:01:27] Zoe: Ooh, well, I met you. What like do you think it was nine years ago almost? Oh my
[00:01:33] Heather: goodness.
[00:01:34] Six: Yeah,
probably
[00:01:34] Zoe: around something like that. My
[00:01:36] Heather: ex-boyfriend.
[00:01:37] Zoe: Yes. We kinda like knew each other, but like we weren't like close. Yeah. But like I always knew of you and I knew that you were sober and I was not sober at that time.
[00:01:46] Heather: Oh,
[00:01:46] Zoe: you knew that. Oh, I see. See, yeah. I think that's why I was probably even more intimidated because it was like, ah, I can't do that. Yeah. Evolved human men.
[00:01:53] Heather: Yeah. So when you guys had met, you were 20. You were 12? No. You got sober at 20.
[00:01:59] Zoe: [00:02:00] Yeah, she was, I was sober at 20, 25
[00:02:01] Heather: maybe.
[00:02:02] Six: Okay. Yeah. I must have or like, yeah, like 24, 25.
Yeah. It's like it. It's blurry.
[00:02:07] Zoe: It's blurry. That time is very blurry for me.
[00:02:09] Heather: But between getting sober at 20 and that time, like between then and 25, you were fully sober.
[00:02:14] Six: Fully sober. Wow.
[00:02:15] Heather: Wow. And what brought you to sobriety that time?
[00:02:18] Six: So I was like, yeah, I guess I was around 20. I was seeing this guy who lived in my building.
[00:02:25] Heather: Okay.
[00:02:26] Six: Terrible, man.
[00:02:27] Heather: Oh,
[00:02:28] Six: good, good. Terrible. But I did end up. Shitting in his bed.
[00:02:33] Zoe: Mm.
[00:02:34] Heather: And I love, love that story. Like, like Amber heard. I love that.
[00:02:36] Six: Like literally.
[00:02:37] Heather: Yeah. Oh my god. I have so many questions. Where should we start?
[00:02:41] Zoe: Should we start with a mental health check-in?
[00:02:42] Heather: Yeah, let's do that. You so much with a mental for bringing that back Zoe.
[00:02:45] Zoe: Start with
[00:02:45] Heather: Yeah. My mental's good. I am thinking that maybe my period is coming and by maybe, I mean I know because I track it.
[00:02:50] Zoe: Yeah. It's coming.
[00:02:51] Heather: And I was like very emotional yesterday.
[00:02:53] Zoe: Okay.
[00:02:53] Heather: And I felt like the world was coming for me. Yeah, I, I think my mental is pretty good. I'm like, happy I'm in this [00:03:00] place where, kind of like you were talking where it's like, good things are happening.
I'm happy. I don't, I'm not a person who really deserves happiness. Mm-hmm. You know, that's like deep seated. So I'm like, when is the shoe gonna drop? And I feel like we've been kind of saying that for a few weeks and the shoe hasn't dropped.
[00:03:14] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:03:14] Heather: But I am like, now that I'm like being a little more like leaning into my love life.
Yeah. I'm like
[00:03:20] Zoe: just starting to have like fun with it.
[00:03:21] Heather: Yeah.
[00:03:22] Zoe: Like, it was having fun. It's
[00:03:23] Heather: just having fun. I think, honestly, I feel like. If I'm being objective.
[00:03:27] Zoe: Mm-hmm.
[00:03:27] Heather: Like a seven. Yeah. Like I actually think I'm good. I'm just like, everything That's good. I'm like stressed about, but it's like, you are good.
Yeah. I'm happy you're, I love you. I love you. I love everything.
[00:03:37] Zoe: I feel like love. You are in a really good place
[00:03:39] Heather: right now. I know. I think
like
[00:03:40] Zoe: we're in the best spot. I
[00:03:42] Heather: know. Very clammy today, both of us. I
[00:03:44] Six: thank you
[00:03:44] Zoe: so much.
[00:03:45] Heather: Um, six. How's your mental? How's your mental? Yeah,
[00:03:47] Six: I feel like good. I am recovering from surgery right now.
Yeah. So that's been like a whole thing. Yeah. But
[00:03:53] Heather: do you wanna tell us what that was?
[00:03:55] Six: Yeah. So I have endometriosis. Um, it is a chronic illness where something [00:04:00] similar to the uterine lining goes outside of my uterus.
[00:04:02] Heather: Okay.
[00:04:03] Six: And they actually found it on my bladder all over my uterus. Um, my ovarian fossa, which I just learned what that is.
It's the wall that the ovary sits in. Okay. It's like
[00:04:14] Heather: the little, okay.
[00:04:15] Six: So is it usually all over like that? It can be like, okay, so the scary thing about endometriosis, it can grow anywhere in your body. This
[00:04:23] Heather: is what I don't know.
[00:04:24] Six: Yeah, I know that. Yeah. Like I've had a doctor tell me it can grow out of your nose.
[00:04:27] Heather: So, is it kind of, I don't wanna liken it to this, but is it kind of like a fungus in a way that's like growing or is it like
[00:04:32] Six: it grows exactly the way cancer does. Oh, that's scary. Um, which is crazy. Yeah. And it kind of looks like a blackberry.
[00:04:39] Heather: Mm. And does your, does your mom have this.
[00:04:43] Six: Uh, my aunt and my cousin have it.
[00:04:45] Heather: Okay.
[00:04:45] Six: Uh, and they both had hysterectomies in their thirties, so are
[00:04:48] Heather: you on track for that? That's a scary question. I'm so sorry to ask you that. Just so
[00:04:51] Six: blatant. It's like, I don't know if I wanna do it because then I'm gonna have to be on estrogen forever. Right now I'm on progesterone. Yeah. I don't really wanna be on estrogen.
I'm just like,
[00:04:59] Heather: and [00:05:00] you're on progesterone because of the endometriosis ends. Yeah. And you have to be on that always.
[00:05:05] Six: Yeah, pretty until menopause and does that so it just stops my period, which slows the growth of the endometrial tissue. Got it. Okay.
[00:05:13] Heather: Stops your period.
[00:05:15] Six: So I haven't had a period in, in a year.
Well, a year and one month.
[00:05:18] Zoe: Wow. So are you feeling better like right now in comparison to like the past year? Like, what'd you say?
[00:05:24] Six: I feel like it's hard to say. Yeah. Because I'm not fully recovered yet. Yeah. So I got the surgery five weeks ago. Mm-hmm. Okay. Projected like six to eight weeks recovery. Yeah.
So I'm still on that track. You're on that track of
[00:05:34] Zoe: being
like
[00:05:36] Zoe: as healed as you can be for now.
[00:05:38] Six: For now. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a lot of people who have it, they have to get multiple surgeries. Yeah. So, yeah. Let's do, I'm kinda bracing myself for that.
[00:05:45] Heather: Yeah. Right. Because that's like a, that's something that you're like definitely prob, like this is a thing you're looking forward to in your life.
Like as in. Every step of the way. There probably will be something with endometriosis, right? Yeah. Like it's so much, let's do a little history [00:06:00] backup with you and your endometriosis in high school. Is this when you found it?
[00:06:04] Six: No. So I actually was like chilling with my periods in high school. Everything was like fine,
[00:06:09] Heather: normal,
[00:06:09] Six: and then randomly my periods started getting really bad around like 23.
Okay. And then I was like, it just progressively got so much worse every year. Yeah. It would just, and then it started becoming like. Everywhere in my body is inflamed. Yeah. Like it inflames your whole body. I also have arthritis, which I was diagnosed with at 17.
[00:06:34] Heather: Do you think that that's related? I mean,
[00:06:37] Six: autoimmune is so confusing.
Maybe it's just like Yeah, like it's, I'm just inflamed everywhere. Yeah. And like,
[00:06:43] Heather: damn.
[00:06:44] Six: It's just, it's terrible.
[00:06:45] Heather: Yeah.
[00:06:46] Six: I've like gained a bunch of weight from it. Okay. I've like, um.
[00:06:51] Zoe: Is that hard? Like the gaining weight of the aspect of it?
[00:06:54] Six: I think like, because I'm someone that I make money off the way I look, [00:07:00] it was definitely like a shock.
[00:07:02] Zoe: Mm-hmm.
[00:07:03] Six: Um, for sure. And also we're living in like such a time where like skinny is just so in
skinny
[00:07:09] Zoe: is so bad.
[00:07:09] Six: It's so bad.
[00:07:11] Heather: Yeah. I'm bad with it too. I, I, I just had this conversation with our producer where she was like. You have to stop saying or not you have to, but she's, like you've said, you don't eat multiple times and that's true, but in the context.
I'm struggling with my appetite. Yeah. Like, I don't, I'm not hungry. My energy is so unbelievably low. I'm angry. Mm-hmm. I like, I, it's not great. And so when I, when I flippantly say like, Ugh, I don't eat. It's like
[00:07:36] Zoe: it's not, yeah. But that's like, so what you, how you handle things like when you have craving cravings, you have to say it to say, say out loud, I want alcohol right now.
Like when you are going through like. But I also, so with eating, you have to be like, oh, I'm not eating.
[00:07:47] Heather: Yeah. But it
[00:07:48] Zoe: just so let people know,
[00:07:49] Heather: I think is it's so triggering. Yeah. And it is like the thing, like I'm desensitized to, but I'm like, oh wait, no. Like I am in a body right now that I like. And then for me to say I don't eat.
Mm-hmm. It's like, okay, chill out. Yeah. Like, let's [00:08:00] contextualize that. But, um, eating disorders and endometriosis, I imagine that is so hand in hand for so many people. 'cause it is so much like bloating, right? Yeah. It is appearance based. It's
[00:08:12] Six: constantly bloating. Yeah. I've gained like. Honestly, probably like 70 pounds.
[00:08:19] Zoe: Wow, okay.
[00:08:20] Six: But I was also like very unhealthy. Yeah, you least skinny. Definitely needed
[00:08:25] Zoe: to gain some
[00:08:25] Six: weight, so, so it's like good in a way. But then it's also like, you know, I have people in my dms calling me like fat, and it's like
[00:08:34] Zoe: people are the worst.
[00:08:35] Six: But it's also like I've just like come to the point where I'm like, there's nothing wrong with being fat.
Like there's literally nothing. Like this word has been weaponized and like, I think. If there's nothing wrong with being fat.
[00:08:46] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:08:47] Six: And it's not a bad word. No. So I'm like, what you're trying to do is not working.
[00:08:51] Zoe: What would you say your mental health is right now? Out of 10?
[00:08:53] Six: I would say like. 7.5, like it's pretty good.
You
[00:08:57] Zoe: love a point.
[00:08:58] Six: It's good. Like it's, it's [00:09:00] come. I'm coming up.
[00:09:01] Heather: Yeah.
[00:09:02] Six: Fuck Yeah. Be hopeful.
[00:09:03] Heather: So we've, we've covered kind of a lot of things. Are we
[00:09:06] Zoe: gonna cover my mental health?
[00:09:07] Heather: Oh my god. Uh, no, actually we're not so
[00:09:10] Six: goodbye.
[00:09:11] Heather: Oh my, so
[00:09:12] Six: goodbye.
[00:09:12] Heather: Sorry. Usually we start with Zoe, but I forgot. I'm so sorry. How was your mental health?
[00:09:16] Six: Oh, well thank you for us.
[00:09:17] Heather: You are so, so welcome.
[00:09:19] Six: Like unexpectedly asking. We had no idea that was coming.
You,
[00:09:23] Zoe: you knew. So
[00:09:24] Six: kind.
[00:09:25] Zoe: Um, I am good. I have, I went to an early Christmas last yesterday. Oh my god. Um, with my family and like family shit. Is so hard, but
[00:09:37] Heather: we'll tell you about that later.
[00:09:38] Zoe: Yeah. Um, it went like, good and I think like my family's here for the, for the weekend.
They're painting and helping me do some stuff at my place for. Because my boyfriend's moving in. He's with them right now, spending the day with them, and like that stresses me out.
[00:09:56] Six: Yeah, it's crazy.
[00:09:56] Zoe: I know. It's crazy. And like I, I've never
[00:09:58] Six: experienced that. No.
[00:09:59] Zoe: I [00:10:00] really hope he's okay right now. But I think like I'm a little bit stressed with that.
But I'm so happy I can come here and do this instead of like helping them like work on the condo.
[00:10:10] Six: Well, yeah. You're like, I'm just a girl.
[00:10:12] Zoe: I'm just a girl. I don't do it. I need to talk about sobriety.
[00:10:15] Six: Yeah. I have gossip work to do.
[00:10:16] Zoe: Yeah. Literally. Um, so I think like that's in the back of my mind right now.
Mm-hmm. But I'm also like so excited to have this conversation with you and I know. Um, yeah, I'm excited. I'm gonna, you're
[00:10:27] Six: like I know evil.
[00:10:28] Zoe: I know.
[00:10:29] Six: It's
[00:10:29] Zoe: so funny. Um, I'm gonna give myself a little six again. Okay. Six
[00:10:35] Six: my name. You know what? I'll give myself a six too.
[00:10:38] Zoe: Six, six. Six is all around.
[00:10:40] Heather: Um, okay. Well that's good.
We're all,
[00:10:42] Six: what is your relationship like with your family?
[00:10:45] Heather: Oh my God. Great question.
[00:10:46] Zoe: My relationship with my family is. My parents obviously, I think are still like terrified of me because of what I've done to them.
[00:10:54] Six: Are they addicts?
[00:10:55] Zoe: No, but they drink
[00:10:57] Six: like casually or like wine [00:11:00] mom,
[00:11:00] Zoe: a little bit of a wine mom and dad situation.
Okay. Um, they're great. Like they have like their lives together. Like nothing is bad. Like they're very successful. Um, but like everyone was like hammered last night at party. Do you wish they would drink
[00:11:13] Six: less party?
[00:11:15] Zoe: I don't think so. I think I just like. I am so happy that I have friends that I feel comfortable with that don't drink.
[00:11:24] Six: Mm-hmm.
[00:11:25] Zoe: Totally. You know, like I know that that's just them and they're lovely people, but it's not, it's too much to be around all the time. Yeah,
[00:11:31] Six: absolutely.
[00:11:32] Zoe: Um, and I'm sure when they, when we go out for dinner tonight, I'm sure they're not gonna drink or have like one drink, but since they're with like my aunt and uncle, my grandparents last night, like they were all drinking my brother.
Um, so in times like that, like everyone's just like a free for all. You know, um,
[00:11:48] Six: that's so opposite of my family.
[00:11:50] Zoe: Is it, is everyone sober in your family?
[00:11:53] Six: I mean, just no one has a problem. Yeah. They don't, I, I can't, I don't think I've ever seen my mom drunk once.
[00:11:58] Zoe: Really?
[00:11:59] Six: Not [00:12:00] once. I
[00:12:00] Zoe: feel like
[00:12:01] Six: she does not drink, like,
[00:12:02] Zoe: very much When I started drinking, like in high school, I think it was kind of like a way to like be closer to my family because we would all be drunk and like just talking.
[00:12:12] Six: You'd be like, I just wanna Kiki with
[00:12:13] Zoe: you. Yeah, exactly. And they don't really, Kiki. Sober.
[00:12:17] Heather: That's interesting.
[00:12:19] Six: That's
[00:12:19] Heather: interesting because I love that too. Yeah. I loved drinking wine with my family. Yeah. And I, I find my fa I'm the like black sheep of the family. I am. Same with
[00:12:27] Zoe: me.
[00:12:28] Heather: Yeah. I'm extroverted. I never shut the fuck up.
I'm loud. I wanna like, I've like asked my parents about their sex life before. Like I just like wanna know it's going on.
God
[00:12:35] Zoe: is. So crazy. I have, I, we used to
[00:12:37] Heather: tell myself drinking. I always
[00:12:38] Zoe: ask my dad all the time like, are you having sex with mom? So
[00:12:40] Heather: like, yeah,
[00:12:41] Zoe: please tell me. Yes,
[00:12:41] Heather: I know. Well, 'cause you like look at your own future and you're like, I need to be having sex when I'm 70.
So like, I need you guys to like
[00:12:46] Six: You guys have dads. Yeah, we
[00:12:48] Heather: have dads. That is not
[00:12:51] Six: like,
[00:12:52] Heather: no, you know what? I think that is probably a little shocking because not only do we have dads, we have like good dads.
[00:12:56] Six: That is, we do so shocking.
[00:12:58] Heather: Especially mine. Mine's a
[00:12:59] Zoe: great one. I know my [00:13:00] dad's like building a.
Closet for me at home
[00:13:02] Six: right now. That is crazy. Yeah. I have not seen my dad in like 13 years.
[00:13:07] Heather: You know? You know what? Add him to the list because there's a bunch of dads that I need to have conversations with.
[00:13:11] Zoe: Yeah. He's lost
[00:13:12] Six: cause
[00:13:13] Heather: good. He's lost. Cause he lost Cause Is he an addict?
[00:13:15] Six: No, but when he drank he would get very violent.
Okay. Yes. Really? Um, so would use it to
like
[00:13:23] Zoe: get violent
[00:13:24] Six: almost. He was always violent. Yeah. But like he would get worse right. When, when he drank.
[00:13:27] Heather: Do you know his dad?
[00:13:30] Six: He beat the shit out of my grandma. Okay. Got it. He beat the shit of my dad and his brother. Yeah. Growing up around that environment, a lot of abuse.
Yeah. On my dad's side, have I haven't talked to any of them.
[00:13:39] Heather: Do do you have any violent rage in your body?
[00:13:41] Six: Um, well I have borderline. Mm-hmm. So I definitely Right. Used to. Right. I would say I'm a lot calmer now. Mm-hmm. Like a lot calmer. Mm-hmm. It takes a lot for me to yell. Yeah. I'm like very,
[00:13:53] Heather: okay. We have mentioned borderline a few times on this pod.
Do you want to a little [00:14:00] explain what that kind of looks like for you? Borderline
[00:14:02] Six: personality? Yeah. I think it's just like my relationships with people can be like extremely intense. Yeah. Um, I know a lot of people have it with, like their friends. They'll get like the fp, like the favorite person sort of thing.
Mm-hmm. I get it more with romantic relationships. Yeah. I wouldn't say I've ever felt that with a friend. Okay.
[00:14:19] Heather: Yeah. Would you consider yourself emo goth?
[00:14:22] Six: I do listen to a lot of emo music. Okay. And I know that like emo subculture is like related to the music. Mm-hmm. Um, I feel like I'm just like,
[00:14:29] Heather: cool shit.
[00:14:30] Six: Just like a bimbo. Like I'm just like an alternative bimbo alternative. I'm goth
[00:14:34] Heather: bimbo, goth bimbo. I
[00:14:35] Six: like a, that's literally me. Like, fuck. Yeah. I love that.
[00:14:38] Heather: Like, what is the first time you took a substance? Was it alcohol, drugs?
[00:14:44] Six: Oh, I mean. Like ever. Sure.
[00:14:47] Heather: Yeah. Ever.
[00:14:47] Six: I get like probably drinking, I would say, but I was like drinking
[00:14:50] Heather: in like
[00:14:51] Six: what?
I was like grade, grade five, grade six. Oh shit.
[00:14:53] Heather: Started young.
[00:14:54] Six: Yeah.
[00:14:55] Heather: Yeah. What like at home?
[00:14:57] Six: I remember there was this one time that, like me and my [00:15:00] like shitty ass group of friends who I, they were so bad. Um, we all were like drinking, getting drunk. Yeah. Like at like, yeah, like grade five, grade six. Yeah.
Like,
[00:15:11] Heather: okay. So this is so interesting to me, right? Because you're a kid. Yeah. Anything that we
[00:15:17] Six: like literally, child.
[00:15:18] Heather: Child. You're a child. Anything that we ever did or anything that happened to us as kids, none of it is our fault. None of it is our intention. It's just being kids. You're basically just a snowflake running around.
Yeah. The fact that you and those friends are all in a situation where you're young children.
[00:15:34] Six: Yeah.
[00:15:34] Heather: Unsupervised.
[00:15:35] Six: Unsupervised
[00:15:36] Heather: with not only access to alcohol, but the idea to want to do that. Yeah. Yeah. It's like what is going on with all of your families? And I'm sure some of. Some kids were just like, oh, I'm cool, you know?
[00:15:45] Zoe: Yeah,
[00:15:46] Heather: yeah. But it's like, what is going on? None of us all came from where these young children
[00:15:49] Six: really fucked up.
[00:15:50] Heather: Of course.
[00:15:50] Zoe: Do you think even when you started drinking, like then it was like to numb, like what was going on at home? Like, was it always like a numbing that
[00:15:59] Six: started [00:16:00] smoking weed right after that?
Yeah. Um, I think the first time I smoked weed I was in grade seven.
[00:16:04] Zoe: Mm-hmm.
Damn.
[00:16:06] Six: And.
[00:16:07] Heather: Love
[00:16:08] Six: that. I just, I just wanted to feel, feel something, feel something. But I think I also was like, I wanna be cool.
[00:16:13] Heather: Yeah.
[00:16:13] Six: Like I just like, I know cool people do this.
[00:16:15] Heather: Yeah. Being cool is a huge aspect of
[00:16:17] Six: it for sure. There's a huge pressure to be cool when you're a kid.
[00:16:19] Heather: Yeah. Were you fitting in at school?
[00:16:22] Six: Not in elementary school. Okay. Like I was friends with like the cool girls. Yeah. But they were talking so much shit about me. They didn't like me. All fake. Yeah. All fake. They all came from richer families than mine. Okay. Right. They were just like, I was really strict and none of their parents gave a shit about them.
Okay. 'cause they were all just like. We're being raised by nannies. Mm-hmm. Our parents are not around. Yeah. So like that was their journey.
[00:16:47] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:16:48] Six: Mine was like, my mom, my step are up my fucking ass about everything.
[00:16:52] Heather: Yeah.
[00:16:52] Six: And siblings, aunt, I wasn't allowed to do these things.
[00:16:55] Zoe: When did it get like, really bad?
Like, like when you got kicked out? Is that [00:17:00] when your addiction started to get like really bad? Like did you know that you had to stop at ever? Like any point? I point,
[00:17:05] Six: remember the day I got kicked out, this girl who was like a bad girl who was like I was friends with at at school. Yeah. She was like, oh, like what's up?
And I was like, I just got kicked out. Like that's what I have all my shit on me. Like I don't know where to go.
[00:17:19] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:17:19] Six: And she was like, take this. And she gave me this like wine that was in like a water bottle. Yeah. And that was like the first time that I was just like. This is my new personality. Yeah, my new personality is.
Drinking fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So after that I just started, you know, I was house hopping a lot. Yeah. I was sleeping on park benches. Oh shit. It was just like, it was a lot easier to be homeless and drunk.
[00:17:40] Heather: Okay. Okay. That makes so much sense to me. Yeah. The like period, the like, 'cause the way you even explain that was like, I've got all my shit.
It got kicked out. It's like this confidence. Yeah. You're 17. There's no way, you're fucking not scared. Right.
[00:17:52] Six: I was terrified. Yeah. But you had to master that. Such a bad bitch in high school.
[00:17:58] Heather: Yeah, of course.
[00:17:59] Six: I was like always getting [00:18:00] into fights. It was like I was not a good person. Understood. Okay. I was not a good person.
[00:18:03] Heather: Yeah. Even the way you told that story is like so confident. And then I imagine I like put myself in your body when you're like, my, my friend gave me like a thing of wine and you drink it and now you have a personality. It's like, yeah. That is like you're reaching out for something and you get met with this like warm.
Yeah. Toxic thing that's like going to make you feel okay about your situation.
[00:18:26] Six: Yeah. It's like a warm hug. Exactly. Yeah. And it, it gives you even more confidence. Yeah.
[00:18:29] Heather: Yeah.
[00:18:30] Six: And I feel like when needed, the time I was 17, I was pretty confident. Yeah. You know, I grew up not being, and then,
[00:18:36] Zoe: yeah. I think
[00:18:37] Six: like it hit me
[00:18:37] Zoe: just having like alcohol growing up with something that I could always like, rely on, you know?
Yeah. Like, it was always, there was always my friend, like when I had no one else, like I had. At least I had booze, you know? Yeah. So I think like
[00:18:49] Six: 100%.
[00:18:50] Zoe: That's like you, you knew that at that time. Yeah. When you had that wine, you're like, okay, this is what I'm doing now 'cause this is all I have left.
[00:18:58] Six: Mm-hmm. So then I had like a shitty little flip [00:19:00] phone or something at the time mm-hmm.
That I was using, like, um, pay as you go minutes or whatever. Totally.
[00:19:05] Zoe: So
[00:19:05] Six: it's like I'm doing. Illegal things to make money. Okay. Already at that age. Yeah. Okay. Okay.
[00:19:11] Heather: And when did that idea pop into your brain that now I have to do things to survive? I
[00:19:17] Six: think immediately.
[00:19:17] Heather: Okay.
[00:19:18] Six: I think immediately I was like, did you know anyone that was doing that at that
[00:19:20] Zoe: time?
[00:19:21] Six: Yeah. Yeah. And so that
[00:19:23] Heather: was, how did you know people who were doing that? What do you mean, friends?
[00:19:26] Six: Yeah.
[00:19:27] Heather: Okay.
[00:19:28] Six: Yeah.
[00:19:28] Heather: Sometimes acquaintances, sometimes when we talk about our stories, we're so used to them that like. Things that are coming out of your mouth right now. I'm like, no. What are you talking about?
[00:19:39] Six: Like, it's shocking to you.
[00:19:40] Heather: Yeah. Because I know
[00:19:41] Six: you're so young. Forget.
[00:19:42] Heather: Yeah.
[00:19:42] Six: Yeah,
[00:19:42] Heather: yeah, yeah.
[00:19:43] Six: I forget
[00:19:44] Heather: that it, like, that's why I'm asking nitty gritty
[00:19:46] Six: s people and scares people.
[00:19:47] Heather: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:19:48] Six: Um,
[00:19:49] Heather: well, scares it's, it makes me really fucking sad. Yeah. Because like, I'm,
[00:19:53] Six: I, I, I honestly forget that. I think I'm like in such, like my core group Yes.
Has all been through really [00:20:00] fucked up shit. Mm. And so when we. Talk about these things. Yeah. To people on the outside. They're like, this is insane. Yeah. And I'm like, no, that's just my life. Well, you were, I'm like, I'm, I'm, so you were had
[00:20:12] Zoe: to survive
[00:20:12] Six: at peace with it now in a way. Yeah. Like
[00:20:14] Zoe: you were doing what you did to survive, you know, like
[00:20:17] Six: you had No, I had nothing like.
That was it.
[00:20:20] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:20:21] Six: And so then I started like house hopping and I remember I'd have to like have conversations with other people's parents because you know, we're like 17. Yeah. They're all living at home.
[00:20:29] Zoe: Yes.
[00:20:29] Six: So I would have to like sit down and be like, this is why I got kicked out. And like say like, you know, like they were not fucking with me.
Like they did not let me do anything. Yeah. And I rebelled. Yeah. And now here I am begging you for dinner at your house.
[00:20:43] Zoe: And were they usually nice like the other?
[00:20:45] Six: They were pretty nice. I remember I stayed with this one. I wasn't even friends with this guy. I don't even actually remember like how I started staying in his house, but like his parents would take international students and so they had like a bunch of extra bedrooms.
So they just like gave me [00:21:00] one for like a few weeks and I was like, that's right. Oh my God, I love it here. Yeah. Wow. And like it was great.
[00:21:05] Zoe: Yeah. You were like, you were manipulating the situation to like stay alive, you know, like.
[00:21:10] Six: Everyone. Everything was just like, it was crazy.
[00:21:13] Zoe: So was it sugar daddies like that you started with?
Like how did you like get into the industry
[00:21:19] Six: With like sex work? Yeah. Well, like at that age?
[00:21:22] Zoe: Yeah. Yeah. At that age.
[00:21:22] Six: So at 17. The illegal things I was doing were not sex work. Okay. I don't wanna say what it is. Okay. 'cause it's very incriminating. Okay. Um, however, but
[00:21:35] Heather: like, what is it?
[00:21:37] Six: Like, oh my
[00:21:37] Heather: God, what did you do?
[00:21:39] Six: But, um, I was doing. Like sex work in the way that I would feel compelled to suck a dick sleep with a man to stay at their house. Got it. Yeah. And I did get kicked out of a guy's house because I refused to sleep with him.
[00:21:54] Zoe: Oh, got it.
[00:21:55] Six: So I was doing sex work in that way. Yeah, totally. That we would constituted it, like kind of like barter [00:22:00] sign,
[00:22:00] Zoe: stay at their house.
[00:22:01] Six: Um, I think if I had realized at 17 that I could have made money off it, I probably would've ended up doing that.
[00:22:07] Zoe: Are you ever starting to think like, this is like a bad situation that I'm in, like. I don't wanna be doing these things.
[00:22:13] Six: Yes. And then I moved in with my ex-boyfriend.
[00:22:15] Zoe: Yeah. But his one. Oh, the mom.
[00:22:18] Six: And that is how I, was he your ex
[00:22:20] Heather: at the time or was he your
[00:22:21] Six: boyfriend? He was my boyfriend at the time. Yeah. That is how I became a really bad alcoholic. Okay. Okay. That was once, once I moved in with him. Okay. So how did, he was a really bad alcoholic. How did you
[00:22:30] Heather: meet him?
[00:22:31] Six: He went to my high school. Okay, okay.
Because like, think about it, we're still in high school. Yeah.
[00:22:34] Heather: Right.
[00:22:34] Six: At this point we're still in fucking high
[00:22:36] Heather: school. Are you gonna school?
[00:22:37] Six: I dropped out.
[00:22:38] Heather: Yeah. So you're
[00:22:38] Six: not going Eventually I went back.
[00:22:40] Heather: Okay.
[00:22:40] Six: And I graduated. You did? And I did go to college. Fuck you. You, so,
[00:22:45] Heather: so you're with him, you get out of this relationship.
Yeah. I'm the
[00:22:48] Six: fuck you by.
[00:22:49] Heather: And you're now on with your grandma a home. You're with your grandma?
[00:22:51] Six: I go to my grandma's. Okay. My grandma lives in like a small town outside of Mississauga.
[00:22:56] Heather: Okay.
[00:22:57] Six: So,
[00:22:58] Heather: and we're living there is how is everything?
[00:22:59] Six: That [00:23:00] is when I started stealing her wine.
[00:23:04] Heather: Right? Yeah.
[00:23:04] Six: But she also not a big drinker.
[00:23:06] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:23:07] Six: She had like. One like bottle, you know? Yeah. Or something. Like, it was like very like, and I don't know how she didn't notice. It was like going, gone, like going, oh,
[00:23:15] Zoe: I guess she didn't drink it. Oldies. Yeah. She
[00:23:17] Six: just wasn't drinking it. Yeah.
[00:23:18] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:23:18] Six: Um, so eventually after my grandma's, I moved into my own apartment.
Okay. At 19. This is the first time I've had my own place. First time I've been alone. I go fucking crazy. Were you
[00:23:30] Heather: like and the,
[00:23:31] Six: I was just gonna
[00:23:31] Heather: say, and based on what we know Yeah. The skillset is not there.
[00:23:35] Six: Crazy. I was gonna say like, I start drinking. Yeah. I start like drinking more. Yeah. Like I couldn't hold a job.
Yeah. At all. Yeah. I was not leaving my house. Everything I was doing was to get. Alcohol and drugs. Yeah. Every single thing. I was like,
[00:23:50] Heather: wow.
[00:23:51] Six: Stealing from like my friends. Yeah. I was like, uh, which obviously I've made like Amen. Since. Yeah. Um, [00:24:00] I was just like doing. Anything. I was selling random shit in my house on like fucking marketplace.
Yeah. Like
[00:24:06] Heather: yeah.
[00:24:07] Six: Every single day I was blackout. Every single day I have such memory loss because that ex who beat me, yeah. When I started drinking right. He told me and his friend group told me, the only way you were drunk is if you're a blackout. And so that's how I like. Learned to be drinking. Right. To get to the point of blackout or you're not drunk.
Right. So I like, there's huge chunks of my memory. Like I don't have,
[00:24:32] Heather: we talk about that a lot when we try to like reiterate our stories or tell our stories and there's so much we forget or the timeline is upside down. Yeah. And it's like, right, because I wasn't there. I
[00:24:40] Six: wasn't
[00:24:40] Heather: there. I, my body was there, but I don't, I wasn't there.
Yeah. Do you remember when your addiction switched from, I'm drinking and I'm a rebel to, I need this.
[00:24:50] Six: When I started dating that guy, when I was living with that guy, it was just. Constant. And then when I moved into the house alone Yeah. When I wasn't dating that guy, I wasn't dating anyone. You had nothing.
[00:24:59] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:24:59] Six: [00:25:00] I was like, I would wake up shaking Yeah. If I didn't drink.
[00:25:03] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:25:04] Six: And then I was too, then I was always doing drugs on top of that. Mm-hmm. Like, I was always like a joint addiction. Like, let me just like throw in, like do it all, you know, MDMA at that point. Yeah. Um, Coke. I was doing meth at one point.
Yeah. Like, it was just like throwing everyth, whatever you can everything. Yeah. Yeah. Um,
[00:25:20] Zoe: Jesus
[00:25:20] Six: Christ. And then. The meth started when I went to comfort zone. Oh. Which so bad. Which was an after hours for weirdos. I think
[00:25:31] Zoe: all
[00:25:31] Heather: after hours are
[00:25:32] Six: right. Not normal people there. They're all comfort zone is crazy. It, it's insane.
I used to say there till 11:00 AM
[00:25:40] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:25:40] Six: Like I, my God. Well, yeah, when you're on meth, like you're, Ugh. Oh yeah,
[00:25:44] Heather: yeah, yeah, yeah,
[00:25:45] Zoe: yeah, yeah. I was definitely there like at least. Like five, six times in my life. I went to the new one recently, like a couple years ago. Oh my God. I kind of had fun.
[00:25:54] Six: Was it crazy?
Were you sober at that
[00:25:56] Zoe: point? I was sober. Yeah. I know. It was weird. I kind of liked it. You
[00:25:59] Six: were like, [00:26:00] it's
[00:26:00] Zoe: yeah.
[00:26:00] Six: Yeah.
I
[00:26:01] Zoe: like going out. It's was so sober. Yeah.
[00:26:02] Six: I like
[00:26:03] Zoe: Graves. I like,
[00:26:04] Six: but like I don't think I could enter into like comfort zone. I feel. Well it was like the new one, right? So
[00:26:07] Zoe: it wasn't like the same.
[00:26:08] Six: Triggered is in a different area.
[00:26:10] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:26:11] Six: It used to be a collagen. Sp yeah. It's not there anymore. Like imagine.
[00:26:14] Zoe: Yeah. Fantastic. Not there anymore.
[00:26:16] Six: The wanderers would come in. Yeah.
[00:26:18] Heather: It's hard to probably remember, but with all of these drugs, things that you're trying, new things, is there any fear?
[00:26:24] Six: No.
[00:26:25] Heather: No.
[00:26:25] Six: I remember one time I took nine Adderall and it's like, like I was trying, like was doing mess, but you're trying to kill myself.
Like, I don't know, like it's Did you ever
[00:26:34] Zoe: OD at any point, were
[00:26:35] Six: you
[00:26:35] Zoe: ending up at hospitals or
[00:26:36] Six: anything?
[00:26:37] Zoe: No,
[00:26:37] Six: I had such a fucking high tolerance. Me too insane. Not as much for drugs, but for drinking.
[00:26:44] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:26:44] Six: I could drink. Like a 26, like 26 shots on my own. Yeah, no problem. Wow. No problem. And I was tiny back then.
It was just like, yeah,
[00:26:53] Zoe: were you eating? You weren't, were you? Yeah. You
[00:26:55] Six: know what? I would get really drunk and I would cook and now I hate cooking and it, it's weird. I [00:27:00] hate cooking. I always hate people that cook 'cause I don't wanna cook.
[00:27:03] Zoe: That's, it's probably triggers back to that time that you would get drunk and cook.
That's probably, you
[00:27:07] Six: don't wanna go, you know? I never thought about that. It's just like I would just randomly start cooking. Yeah.
[00:27:11] Zoe: Super
[00:27:11] Heather: random.
[00:27:11] Six: Why am I making chicken Alfredo at five in the morning when I wasting? Well,
[00:27:15] Zoe: because you're finally hungry.
[00:27:17] Heather: I get the, I get the hunger, but the energy,
[00:27:19] Zoe: yeah. To.
[00:27:20] Six: It's like I'd be blackout and I'd, and then I'd wake up and there would be like a thing and I'm like, Hey, clearly I made this.
Oh, also
[00:27:26] Heather: blacking out and using the stove.
[00:27:28] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:27:28] Heather: Is
[00:27:29] Zoe: so, and
[00:27:29] Six: living alone. Yeah. Living and living alone. Yeah. And I'm 19.
[00:27:32] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:27:32] Heather: Oh my God.
[00:27:33] Six: And I've been in and out of being fucking homeless for the past two years. I am. And so still objectively a child at 19, at
[00:27:41] Heather: that point. At 19, if someone was like, what do you do?
Would you say I'm in school, or would you say I'm a fucking hustler? Or would you have said, what would you have said? Yeah.
[00:27:49] Six: So I was in school, but then I dropped out after one semester. Okay.
[00:27:53] Heather: What'd you go for?
[00:27:54] Six: Uh, fashion.
[00:27:55] Heather: Yeah. Nice.
[00:27:56] Six: But I met people there. Mm-hmm.
[00:27:58] Heather: You met your friends,
[00:27:59] Six: two [00:28:00] friends. All of us drinking.
[00:28:03] Heather: Mm-hmm.
[00:28:04] Six: Drugs. Mm-hmm.
[00:28:05] Zoe: Okay. I wanna know how the fuck you got sober? Then we're like, what
[00:28:09] Six: the fuck? Like how I had to cut off every one of my friends.
Good.
[00:28:13] Six: I had to stop sleeping with. Drug dealers. Yeah, I had to.
[00:28:19] Zoe: It's amazing that you knew that you had to do all that stuff. I know. Like it
[00:28:22] Six: truly is. I just knew, I was like, I can't be with these people.
They're all terrible people. Yeah. And they're also all using,
[00:28:28] Zoe: yeah.
[00:28:28] Six: Yeah.
[00:28:29] Zoe: Did they like force, like try to get you to keep doing drugs with them or were they like,
[00:28:35] Six: fuck you, then I literally just, just didn't hang out with you? Didn't like I cut out all these people.
[00:28:39] Zoe: I was
[00:28:39] Six: like, bye.
[00:28:40] Zoe: No. And that's what we always say.
Like, you have to change your whole like lifestyle.
[00:28:43] Six: Yeah. You'd be selfish in sobriety.
[00:28:45] Zoe: A hundred percent.
[00:28:46] Six: A hundred percent agree.
[00:28:46] Zoe: That like, yeah, you, you need to put your sobriety first. You need to put you first. If you don't wanna hang out with that person because you're scared, don't fucking hang out with them.
[00:28:52] Six: Don't do it.
[00:28:53] Zoe: Don't do. It's not worth it. Don't do. It's not
[00:28:54] Six: worth it.
[00:28:55] Zoe: No,
[00:28:55] Six: it's not. And I think I finally gave up on like, oh, I need to like do all these things to like look so [00:29:00] cool. Yeah. I was like, I literally don't give a shit anymore.
[00:29:02] Zoe: Yeah. 'cause you finally could like be yourself.
[00:29:04] Six: Yeah.
[00:29:04] Zoe: Right? Yeah. Like you, like know, like.
I'm the ship and I don't need anything to like, tell me that or anyone to tell me that.
[00:29:11] Heather: So it's really fucking impressive to me when people don't go to rehab.
[00:29:14] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:29:14] Heather: I There's not a,
[00:29:15] Six: have you guys both been to
[00:29:16] Heather: rehab? Yes. Okay. There's enough fucking world in which I could have quit. I can't quit anything on my own.
There's no way. Like at all. I would've had to. There's no way. So. You're, we all have these sober revelations in, in the middle of the night, you wake up sober and you're like, I have to stop drinking.
[00:29:32] Zoe: Mm-hmm.
[00:29:32] Heather: So what was different? Did you get those, did you get that ever? Like when you would wake up in the night and be like, see what
[00:29:38] Zoe: they did?
Yeah.
[00:29:39] Heather: Oh, okay. I
[00:29:39] Six: just like, I didn't. Care.
[00:29:42] Zoe: You never thought about it until you shit the bet. And then you're like, Hey, now this has to change. Can like,
[00:29:46] Six: I was like, if I'm gonna stay living and not off myself, I need to clearly stop drinking.
[00:29:51] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:29:51] Heather: Okay. I was, 'cause I was gonna ask, 'cause there's these moments of revelation I had when I would wake up at like 6:00 AM or 2:00 AM and I'd be sober for like a [00:30:00] maybe sober, just a little bit sober.
Yeah. And I'd be like, oh my God. Like I'm gonna kill myself. Like my life is, this is horrible. I have to stop. And then I would drink two hours later or at that very moment, but. I'm wondering like what that moment was for you, like how strong that has to be.
[00:30:14] Six: Mm-hmm.
[00:30:15] Heather: For you to be like, I'm not doing this anymore, and then actually not do it on your own
[00:30:18] Six: and like never.
I've never sold to this day relapse on alcohol.
[00:30:21] Heather: It's wild to me. Yeah.
[00:30:22] Six: 11 years.
[00:30:23] Heather: You should be so fucking proud of yourself. It's
[00:30:25] Zoe: so fucking, it's,
[00:30:26] Heather: that's the most shocking part to all of this shit.
[00:30:28] Zoe: It's so strong of you and. I am so proud of you for doing that. Like that is some fucking serious willpower.
And that's some serious like self-love too. Yeah. 'cause you're like, Hey, fuck this. I don't deserve this. I don't wanna be shitting the bed. I wanna be Yeah. In control of what I'm doing. Like, yeah.
[00:30:45] Heather: Also sometimes with sobriety, people getting sober, it's like, I want the life I used to have. I like when I was a kid, I was so happy and I was doing all these things.
You didn't have that. You
[00:30:54] Six: didn't really have that. I never felt that. Right.
[00:30:56] Heather: Yeah.
[00:30:56] Six: I never felt that. Right.
[00:30:57] Heather: So you
[00:30:58] Six: like I've never like. [00:31:00] There's never been a time when I was growing up thinking that I'm happy for an extended period of time. Right.
[00:31:08] Zoe: So
[00:31:09] Six: like
[00:31:10] Zoe: then you start building a life for yourself and what does that look like?
Like what kind of things did you start to do after that? Like being sober.
[00:31:18] Six: So I was sober from everything for. I don't know. A few years.
[00:31:25] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:31:25] Heather: Was that hard? Were you like ever like I
[00:31:27] Six: want at that point, like, no, because I was like really not surrounding myself with those people. Yeah. I guess it was hard, but I dunno, it was so long ago.
Yeah. I'm like,
[00:31:37] Zoe: you relapsed on drugs?
[00:31:39] Six: What dropped? I relapsed on drugs. Why? Um, because I'm an addict.
[00:31:43] Zoe: Oh. No.
[00:31:44] Six: Yeah, I am six. I'm an addict. What Zoe? No. Garlic. What led to it? So I got my tonsils removed. Mm. They gave me oxy.
[00:31:53] Zoe: Okay. Did you
[00:31:54] Six: That was my first time, time doing opiates.
[00:31:58] Zoe: Oh [00:32:00]
[00:32:00] Six: yeah. I never touched opiates before.
[00:32:02] Zoe: Did you tell them that you didn't want oxys?
[00:32:05] Six: No.
[00:32:05] Zoe: Or did you even know that they were gonna give you oxys?
[00:32:07] Six: No, I just was like, okay, they did whatever. Okay. And that was the worst. Still to this day. And I've had a bunch of surgeries now. That was the worst surgery I've ever done. Really? Tonsil removal as an adult is disgusting.
Oh, swallowing scabs. Oh. Can't eat. Lose a lot of weight. I
[00:32:22] Zoe: did that noise.
[00:32:22] Six: Sorry.
[00:32:24] Zoe: It was a horrible,
[00:32:25] Six: it's just, it's, it's horrible. You feel like you're swallowing glass every five seconds. Yes. So you needed
[00:32:30] Zoe: those oxys, then
[00:32:31] Six: I needed them. Then that's when I started realizing like that wasn't a relapse, but that's when I started realizing opiates are really fun.
[00:32:38] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:32:38] Heather: Yeah.
[00:32:39] Six: Then a few years later, I lit myself on fire.
[00:32:43] Zoe: Excuse me.
[00:32:44] Six: Actually, maybe I lit myself on fire first and then, Hmm. Memory problems. I love how cow, we all have memory problem, so I let myself on on fire right here.
[00:32:52] Heather: Oh shit. What happened? Cooking? What do you
[00:32:56] Six: mean? This was Yeezy season one.
[00:32:58] Heather: Yeezy season.
[00:32:59] Six: Yeezy Season [00:33:00] one.
[00:33:00] Heather: Okay.
[00:33:00] Six: Holes in all clothes.
[00:33:03] Heather: Okay.
[00:33:03] Six: Only way
[00:33:04] Heather: hole
[00:33:05] Six: in. I was burning a hole in a shirt while wearing it. Paul Blend. Sober. Sober.
[00:33:14] Heather: But that's addict shit. That's
[00:33:15] Six: likes I'm not gonna do
[00:33:16] Heather: do shit. I'm gonna do it on my body.
[00:33:18] Six: But you literally fucking sober. Oh my
[00:33:19] Heather: God.
[00:33:20] Six: I'm didn't realize. And it was a crop top, so I was like running out of time.
It was like,
[00:33:24] Heather: you're like, I'm burning with it.
[00:33:26] Six: No, literally it was gonna worse me. It was crazy. It felt like a movie. Oh my God. Like and like
[00:33:32] Heather: this can't be it. This can't be how I go. This
[00:33:36] Six: literally fucking. So many things. Yeah. And I'm like,
[00:33:40] Zoe: oh
[00:33:40] Heather: God,
[00:33:40] Six: this can't be it. Oh God. I finally. First of all,
[00:33:44] Heather: so
[00:33:44] Six: shocking.
I yelled, stop, drop, roll guys. Don't do it. It doesn't even work. I don't know why they taught us that. You hear it? It made the fire bigger.
[00:33:51] Heather: No,
[00:33:52] Six: it literally got bigger. I'm not even joking. Like dead asses around. Yeah, you're just like
[00:33:56] Heather: adding oxygen
[00:33:56] Six: to it, like I'm adding oxygen. It's getting bigger. As I was say, [00:34:00] like saying to you earlier, I've definitely been someone who like picks up drugs, lets 'em go, picks up drugs, lets 'em go.
Yeah. Um, I can't do that with alcohol.
[00:34:05] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:34:06] Six: But, um, with drugs, so I would like, you know, I would save some of them mm-hmm. From these surgeries of course, and these incidences. And then when I would get like, really pissed about something, I'd be like, I'm gonna do like a breakup. A breakup always made me relapse.
The last breakup I went through was the first. Breakup. I didn't relapse.
[00:34:22] Zoe: Okay, good.
[00:34:23] Six: Um, first, oh my god.
[00:34:24] Heather: You know why? Because you deserve better.
[00:34:27] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:34:28] Heather: Thank you. You don't have to fuck yourself with pills or bad men. Isn't that exciting?
[00:34:31] Zoe: That is exciting. That breaking. That's gross. Breaking breaking old patterns though is gross.
No, it's
[00:34:36] Heather: amazing. That's
[00:34:36] Zoe: gross.
[00:34:37] Six: And it was like a bad,
[00:34:38] Heather: it's
[00:34:38] Six: crazy. A really bad breakup. Yeah. So I was like. I was like threatening everyone,
[00:34:42] Zoe: like, I'm
[00:34:42] Six: gonna relapse, but I didn't.
[00:34:44] Heather: Oh yeah.
[00:34:44] Six: Ugh. That's so addict behavior too. I fucking, because I caught her cheating on me and I caught her. A lady by Dr. Yes. And I caught her by driving past her.
Damn it. Seeing her holding hands with this girl.
[00:34:57] Heather: Oh. Oh my mom, you're on fire. Just trying to get to the [00:35:00] hospital.
[00:35:00] Six: Literally I was bleeding. Like, miss Girl, what's happening?
[00:35:04] Heather: They gave you Oxy for your. Burn.
[00:35:08] Six: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:35:08] Heather: And now where are we going with the
[00:35:09] Six: Oxy? And then I was, you know, saving it, doing it a little bit sometimes.
And then eventually I started picking up opiates from a dealer and I became addicted to Dilaudid. Mm-hmm.
[00:35:25] Heather: Mm-hmm.
[00:35:26] Six: Girl. You know that shit? Yeah. That, that shit is those little triangles.
[00:35:31] Heather: No, I
[00:35:31] Six: You hated it.
[00:35:32] Heather: Yeah.
[00:35:33] Six: Oh, I loved it. You
[00:35:34] Heather: cute. Cute. Oh, I mean, no, I love it all. I love it
[00:35:35] Six: all. You kke.
[00:35:37] Heather: No, I never puked with anything.
Oxy. What? I know I'm amazing. Oxy. You're
[00:35:42] Six: amazing.
[00:35:42] Heather: You're
[00:35:43] Six: meant to. Oh, you're meant to
[00:35:45] Heather: do it. You're
[00:35:46] Six: like, this is what I've been saying
[00:35:47] Heather: was so happy on opiates. Of course. And also so deeply sad. My friend died last year, last Christmas, and she was on, um, opiate. Or opiates? Yes. Did
[00:35:59] Six: she [00:36:00] overdose?
[00:36:00] Heather: No. No, but she wouldn't take them because she didn't like the way they made her feel.
Mm-hmm. And she was on Oxy, or she was supposed to be on Oxy. And I remember one of our first times I met her, like we were very fast friends, she was talking to me about Oxy and she just like didn't like to take them because they made her nauseous. And I literally in front of people at the parking that I didn't know was like, oh, you just have to push through and then they feel really good.
Yeah. And then everyone kind of looked at me and I was like. Right. You're right. Yeah. No, you're right. You shouldn't push the drugs
[00:36:24] Zoe: don't take
[00:36:24] Heather: drugs. Yeah. But you never, you know, listen, it's a skillset
[00:36:27] Six: set. You do have to push through. Yeah.
[00:36:29] Heather: Yeah. So Dilaudid with more,
[00:36:30] Six: getting the
[00:36:31] Heather: most things.
[00:36:31] Six: Yeah. Yeah. I was like really loving Dilaudid.
[00:36:34] Heather: Mm-hmm.
[00:36:35] Six: And then
[00:36:37] Heather: were you loving, not shitting?
[00:36:40] Six: I like, yeah. I mean, I guess I was just, I was in pain. Yeah. But then I would just, Dilaudid. Yeah. It
[00:36:45] Heather: doesn't matter.
[00:36:46] Six: And this was at the point when I started my TikTok.
[00:36:49] Heather: Mm.
[00:36:50] Six: And I was lying to people online and telling 'em I was sober.
[00:36:53] Heather: Oh, interesting. Okay.
[00:36:55] Six: But I was frocked up on TikTok live.[00:37:00]
[00:37:00] Heather: Do you think that that was obvious?
[00:37:01] Six: Yeah.
[00:37:02] Heather: Okay.
[00:37:02] Six: Yeah. So obvious and me and my roommate at the time, who is also my roommate again right now. Yeah. She's one of my best friends. Yeah. Yeah. They're, they've been sober like three and a half years I think.
[00:37:13] Zoe: Okay. Amazing.
[00:37:15] Six: We. We're doing Dilaudid together. Right. And so we would just be in the house.
And I remember like the last time I went through withdrawals from Dilaudid, we were going through withdrawals at the same time. And like I was in my room and they were in their room and we were just like screaming each other. Ah. But it's like I had silk sheets.
[00:37:31] Zoe: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:37:32] Six: Like everything hurt. Yeah. It hurts so bad.
[00:37:36] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:37:36] Six: And I was like, I can't do this again.
[00:37:38] Zoe: It's like shingles. Yeah. So you guys both got off of it together.
[00:37:43] Six: Theys, they were using a little bit more after me, but I moved to Montreal like very rapidly after that. Okay. So that was withdrawn because was like, I want to get away from Toronto.
[00:37:56] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:37:56] Six: I'm gonna go do this, you know, be a tattoo.
Yeah. Artist [00:38:00] over here. Mm-hmm. And I'm gonna be sober.
[00:38:02] Zoe: Wow. Fuck yeah.
[00:38:03] Six: And so did you tell everyone on
[00:38:04] Zoe: TikTok.
[00:38:08] Six: I think I've told people or have to, I think I've told people, like now people know that that was like the journey for me, but not like
[00:38:13] Heather: in
[00:38:14] Six: the moment. But in the moment, I don't think so because I was like, I don't know if I'm gonna stick to this. Like, I dunno if I can do this like opiates because I'm like a chronic pain haver.
They are so good to me.
[00:38:25] Heather: Yeah. Yeah. Well that's what I was gonna ask. You have endometriosis. Yeah. You're in more pain than the average person on, on any given day.
[00:38:33] Six: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
[00:38:33] Heather: And so opiates. Are doing good things for you. Yeah. They are helping. Yeah. They're fucking your brain a little bit, but they are helping.
Yeah. So where do we find a middle ground with pain management? What do you do? Tylenol. Just
[00:38:48] Zoe: Tylenol. Yeah.
[00:38:49] Heather: Yeah.
[00:38:50] Six: But get surgery.
[00:38:51] Zoe: Right.
[00:38:51] Six: Go on hormones. But yeah, this is, uh oh. I changed my diet completely. I'm gluten-free and dairy free now. So
[00:38:56] Zoe: much stuff
[00:38:57] Six: you do.
[00:38:57] Zoe: It's just like, yeah.
[00:38:58] Six: Yeah. I'm tired of doing all the [00:39:00] show.
Why can't I just like be,
[00:39:01] Zoe: be normal. Okay. One thing we haven't touched on
[00:39:04] Six: Yeah.
[00:39:04] Zoe: Is. The sex work of it all. How did you, the sex work of it all the sex work of all sex work of it all, how did you start that and like where is that like now in your life?
[00:39:15] Six: So I started OnlyFans in 2019. Okay.
[00:39:20] Zoe: Why did you start?
[00:39:22] Heather: That's like right when it started, isn't it?
[00:39:23] Zoe: I was just
[00:39:23] Six: like, bro, yeah, why not? I'm already posting lingerie. Yeah. Why not just start doing porn? Oh, you were. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Because I was like, simultaneously I was like reviewing sex toys on
[00:39:36] Zoe: Instagram.
[00:39:37] Six: Oh, I think
[00:39:37] Zoe: I remember that. Yeah.
[00:39:39] Six: I was like really open.
I've always like been really open about sex and you know, all these things. And so I was like really coming into my queerness at the time. And
[00:39:50] Zoe: do you think it helped you like find out about more of your sexuality? Like doing OnlyFans.
[00:39:55] Six: Mm.
[00:39:57] Zoe: And being so open about it. [00:40:00] Maybe.
[00:40:01] Six: I feel like the thing about OnlyFans is that like people expect me to be this like hypersexual and like as I said earlier, like when I was younger, I was really hypersexual.
Now I feel like I'm the opposite from doing sex work. My sex drive has gone down a lot.
[00:40:17] Zoe: Yeah,
[00:40:18] Heather: really?
[00:40:18] Six: Because I do it for work.
[00:40:20] Heather: Yeah. It's a job.
[00:40:21] Six: It's like literally a job. So I'm like.
[00:40:23] Heather: On your OnlyFans, are you, are you doing stuff with partners or is it just you
[00:40:26] Six: both.
[00:40:27] Heather: Oh
[00:40:28] Six: yeah.
[00:40:28] Heather: Fun. How does that work? How do you find people?
What are you doing?
[00:40:30] Six: Um, I've only filmed with either friends.
[00:40:34] Heather: Mm-hmm.
[00:40:34] Six: And then we like split profit. Okay. Or like a random man. I'm fucking, and I don't give him anything.
[00:40:42] Heather: Well, of course, as you should. Wow. This is very thrilling. And any backlash from it, like family shit.
[00:40:50] Six: My family doesn't like know. Sometimes I'm like, I feel like my mom knows, but she just doesn't, she knows I'm friends with like strippers, porn stars, [00:41:00] like mm-hmm.
Outside of OnlyFans, like, it doesn't, yeah.
[00:41:04] Zoe: Is there like an aspect of like. Being in that industry and like being sober. Like how does it,
[00:41:10] Six: I think it'd be a lot easier
[00:41:11] Zoe: if you were drunk.
[00:41:12] Six: If I was drunk. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know a lot of, especially in person sex work.
[00:41:16] Zoe: Okay.
[00:41:16] Six: Would've when I had a sugar daddy.
[00:41:18] Zoe: Yeah. Do you know a lot of people, like in the industry that are sober or like are, or a lot of them like addicts because of like the industry,
[00:41:26] Six: a lot of them are addicts. That's a good question. Yeah. A lot of them are addicts especially, um. Strippers.
[00:41:34] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:41:35] Six: Well that's good. That's, and you
[00:41:36] Zoe: are
[00:41:36] Six: so open about escort, but what's anyone doing in person?
[00:41:39] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:41:40] Six: It's easier to be sober in my experience doing online.
[00:41:44] Zoe: Yeah, sure. Behind a screen,
[00:41:46] Six: you know, like
[00:41:47] Zoe: I do know one person, um, and she does sex work in person and she told me that she recently got sober. I'm not that close with her. It's someone I know through a job. But [00:42:00] she is recently sober and now she's like.
Only picked one partner because I think she's not drinking. So like she can't be fucking all these guys anymore. And now she's only having sex with like one of them.
[00:42:11] Six: Like is it like a sugar daddy or It's like an escort.
[00:42:13] Zoe: It's an escort.
[00:42:13] Six: Okay.
[00:42:14] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:42:14] Heather: I mean, and also I feel like the sex industry, is that what we're calling the sex industry?
Yeah. Change is so rapidly. Like I remember when I was watching porn really young at like nine. It was crazy. And then everything you'd hear about porn was like sex trafficking and abuse and all this shit. And then there was that doc that was like life after porn
[00:42:31] Six: and
[00:42:32] Heather: it was like,
[00:42:32] Six: I've never seen that.
[00:42:33] Heather: Oh, it was like bullshit.
It was, I remember on
[00:42:35] Six: Netflix
[00:42:36] Heather: it, it was, I don't know if it still is, but it was basically just about how bad the sex industry is in the porn industry. And I was like, this is weird. But then you hear later, like, no, people are friends with. You know, people in the industry and they're, it's not a big deal.
And like
[00:42:50] Zoe: OnlyFans is so much different than like being a porn star. Yeah,
[00:42:52] Six: right. Porn hub is evil.
[00:42:55] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:42:56] Six: Okay. For sure. I've definitely heard. Yeah, like I [00:43:00] think when you're doing OnlyFans, you're in charge of what you're doing. Right. And like when you're working in. The other side of the porn industry when you're working with like PornHub and like, you know, business men like that.
Mm-hmm. It's, it's super different.
[00:43:12] Zoe: Yeah. No, it's good
[00:43:13] Six: Control. Sohan is really like, you get control. Yeah. You get to decide who you collab with.
[00:43:17] Heather: Yeah.
[00:43:17] Six: You get to decide the angles. You get to edit how you want, you get to say whatever the fuck you want.
[00:43:21] Heather: Yeah.
[00:43:22] Six: They do have some like. Um, restrictions on like what you can do?
Mm-hmm.
[00:43:26] Heather: Oh they do?
[00:43:27] Six: Yeah. Like, oh,
[00:43:27] Heather: no shit. Right.
[00:43:28] Six: You can't do shit. Oh yeah. You can't do piss. Oh yeah. Which is a big seller can do blood, so like that sucks. Can't do blood blood.
[00:43:36] Zoe: Interesting. What's like the craziest kink that you've had so far on OnlyFans
[00:43:40] Six: belly button? Fucking
[00:43:42] Zoe: pause.
[00:43:42] Six: What? Pause
[00:43:44] Zoe: what?
[00:43:45] Heather: The, the dick goes in your belly button.
[00:43:47] Six: No, no. This guy just wanted me to like finger my belly button as if he was like fucking my belly button.
[00:43:52] Zoe: Do you think it's
[00:43:53] Six: like and
[00:43:54] Zoe: be inside of you like so deep, like it goes like on your belly button?
[00:43:57] Six: I think it's just like men are gross in the fuck any hole.
[00:43:59] Zoe: [00:44:00] Literally.
[00:44:00] Six: I
think
[00:44:00] Zoe: that's, no, literally. I
[00:44:01] Heather: think that's exactly right.
[00:44:02] Six: But it's like you can't actually fucking my, how small is your dick? This like, no, it's probably small. No shade. But shade
[00:44:08] Heather: also never ever push your hard dick into my tummy.
[00:44:11] Six: Like ever, ever, ever. Yeah.
[00:44:13] Heather: Do you think, because I feel like back in the day with like the Wait, we see movies, what's that movie with, um, Amanda Seyfried and she's like the first deep thrower.
It's a really good movie. If you haven't seen it, I'll send it to you. I forget what it's called. I
[00:44:29] Six: forget.
[00:44:29] Heather: She ba Love Lace. Oh
[00:44:31] Six: yeah, love. Yes. A long time ago.
[00:44:33] Heather: But yeah, there was like drugs and abuse and sex work seemed very correlated to addiction. Yeah. And drugs. Do you find that like there's a chicken or egg situation, like do you feel like addiction or like substance use leads to sex work?
Or do you think that sex work leads to. Did the addiction that's in the industry, I
[00:44:53] Six: feel like it could be either. Yeah. It's just like when you were like, even when I was camming.
[00:44:58] Heather: Mm-hmm.
[00:44:59] Six: I was like [00:45:00] high as fuck.
[00:45:00] Heather: Yeah.
[00:45:01] Six: Doing opiates.
[00:45:02] Heather: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:45:03] Six: Like it's like,
[00:45:04] Heather: yeah.
[00:45:05] Six: It's just so much easier when you're fucked up because you just say really funny things.
I know. Yeah. Make a good video. Yeah. It's messy, but some demen think, but that's what they like is hot.
[00:45:14] Heather: Yeah. Do you have anyone that, like, do they know you're sober? Like have you said it to anyone and they've liked it? Like, what is that?
[00:45:21] Six: I feel like anyone who follows me on Instagram should know I'm sober.
Right. And like, check my bio. Hello. Yeah. But, but also like, but also I do, I do post about being sober and like if I'm matching with someone on like a dating app, like I always say I'm sober. Good.
[00:45:35] Heather: I will say that it's really cool that you are doing OnlyFans mm-hmm. As a sober person. 'cause I, I think. I think the idea sometimes for people who don't know about sex work, it's like, that's a bad decision.
You're, you know, that's dangerous. That's this, this, and this. And it's like, well, this is a sober, very intelligent, very educated person sitting in front of us who like, you've come into your own and then found OnlyFans. Like that feels [00:46:00] very empowering. I.
[00:46:01] Six: Personally, I don't think it's super dangerous to do OnlyFans.
Sure. For me.
[00:46:06] Heather: Okay.
[00:46:08] Six: Dunno about anyone else. If you're super close with your family, I wouldn't suggest doing it because they will find out.
[00:46:13] Heather: Yeah. Honestly, we must have you back because I feel like there's, there's so much six more hours of content.
[00:46:20] Six: Yeah.
[00:46:20] Heather: That we minimum, seriously. Minimum. This is. Problematic.
You'll be back.
[00:46:25] Six: Yeah, you'll be back. I would love to come back,
[00:46:26] Heather: but this was amazing. Thank you for being so open and relatable and it's so interesting to hear your story and to kind of, I'm like always like putting pieces together of someone else's story in my head, and I'm like, yeah, no, of course. Yeah.
And of course. And I'm so fucking glad that you made it through. I just gave myself goosebumps, but like, you're amazing and beautiful and incredible and so fucking cool. And I'm like, so glad you're on the other side.
[00:46:50] Zoe: Yeah. It's the
[00:46:50] Heather: best.
[00:46:51] Zoe: It's like. It's so strong of you that you've gone through all that shit and then decided to get sober.
[00:46:57] Heather: Yeah.
[00:46:58] Zoe: It's like, wait, that's why I kept [00:47:00] asking you, like, and how, why did you get sober? Yeah. Like why, like why would you do that? Because you've gone through so much shit.
[00:47:06] Heather: Yeah.
[00:47:06] Zoe: Um,
[00:47:07] Heather: sometimes it's easier to just keep it numb.
[00:47:08] Zoe: Just keep it numb. But you did the braver thing and chose yourself, which is. Iconic.
[00:47:15] Heather: Oh.
[00:47:15] Zoe: And you seem like you're just like thriving in every aspect of your life. Like that tattooing, like everything is going so well for you and
[00:47:22] Heather: and your face is so pretty.
[00:47:25] Zoe: Oh, thank you. And you're healing well from your surgery and everything's gonna be looking up for you. And I'm just like really happy that you came and shared your story.
And I'm sure people are gonna relate. It's so iconic.
[00:47:35] Heather: I'm so glad. I'm just like you two got to relate.
[00:47:37] Six: It's crazy when people relate. To anything I say, because I'm like, it's really fucked up. Yeah.
[00:47:41] Zoe: Yeah. It's fucked up, but a lot of people have fucked up lives. Yeah.
[00:47:44] Heather: You know, and even if, even if you were a, a, a mommy wine drunk, and you only only only ever drank at home and you didn't fuck anyone crazy and you didn't do anything, anything that person is doing as an addict in their own home, it's relatable.
[00:47:56] Zoe: Yeah. Yeah. It, yeah,
[00:47:57] Heather: it, it all relates. We're all thinking similar things. We all [00:48:00] fucking hate ourselves. Of our dad's or whatever. You know, it's like there's same something to relate to and it's like a cozy little junky family.
[00:48:07] Zoe: Yeah.
[00:48:08] Heather: Well, sober family.
[00:48:09] Zoe: Sober family. Now. Thank you for coming before.
[00:48:12] Six: I love it.
Yeah.
[00:48:13] Zoe: Thank you for so much coming. We're so
[00:48:15] Heather: proud of you.
[00:48:16] Zoe: Proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm
[00:48:17] Heather: proud of you. Proud of you. Alright. Goodbye.
Thanks for listening to Girl Un Drunk. You can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Girl Un Drunk Podcast and or send me an email at heather@girlundrunk.com.
This episode was proudly produced by Consciously Produced LLC.
