#40: Don’t Get Drunk
In this New Year's episode of Girl Undrunk, Heather and Zoe discuss sobriety during the holidays, navigating depressive episodes, and the reality of supporting friends through mental health lows without trying to fix them. They reflect on Dry January, cravings, emotional burnout, and how sobriety has shifted their routines, energy, and coping tools over the past year, offering an honest look at what it means to enter a new year with self-awareness instead of resolutions.
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Don't Get Drunk Transcript
[00:00:00] This podcast covers sensitive topics that may be difficult for some listeners. Please take care while listening.
Welcome back to Girl Undrunk. I'm Heather. I'm Zoe. And today is our New Year's episode. It's the new year. Happy New Year. Should we say it together? 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year. Woo. Alright, shall we pop, pop, pop, pop. Let's see if I can do this. You can do it. Don't point it towards my eyes. Oh, I would never go. Hey, go, go.
Go. Who [00:01:00] and it. That was a good one. Didn't even do a like thing if you're in your car right now. I'm sorry. This is not non-alcoholic, by the way. In case imagine, in case you guys forgot that this was a sobriety pod. This is Odd Bird Blanc DeBlanc. I really liked it. Blanc DeBlanc. I like it. This was the first non-alcoholic wine I tried after rehab.
Mm. And I said, love it. I haven't tried this one yet. I'm excited. Cheers. To chooses Cheers to Epic. Undrunk New Year. Cheers to the new Year. Mm mm mm. I do like that. Right? So, good. Wait, this is the one they have that have it Julietta. Mm. Yeah. It did taste familiar. Yeah. 'cause yeah, we had a bottle of that, right?
Mm-hmm. For your birthday. Oh, Julietta is so good. That was so long ago. Was that my birthday or was that my two year? That might have been your two year maybe. Yeah. I love Juliet. It's really nice. I only wanna go to Julietta. For my birthdays. I love it so much. I haven't gone in so long. [00:02:00] Okay, well let's go.
Okay, let's go. We'll book it right now. Everybody pause. Okay. Zoa. We're back, baby. Okay. We're a week. Yeah. What a week. How is your mental, should you go first? Sure. Um, I would say my mental is like a three. Yeah. I, what's went on this week, Heather, I, I just like, had such a bad depression this past, like, the past like 72 hours.
I just like crashed. Mm-hmm. And my brain fucking, it's like such a chemical imbalance where I just like. Could feel my brain dying. Mm-hmm. And I can't, like, I can't do anything like atrophies and it's so crazy and embarrassing. 'cause I like can't, I like physically can't talk to anyone. Mm-hmm. I don't want to, my sister was calling me, I like missed my dad's Christmas.
I was like, I can't, like, I'm just so fucking overwhelmed. My brain can't handle it. And I just was like [00:03:00] melting and, and crying. I think it's hard for me 'cause I'm like, I wanna help you so bad. And like, I tried to go at it like every angle, like the sympathy, the, like, there's nothing aggression, you know, like aggression.
Well, I was just like, snap. I was kind of like being like, okay, you gotta like do this, do that. You know? Mm-hmm. Being more aggressive with it instead of like sympathy leaning. And I just felt that anything I was doing was not gonna help. And then I was like, oh yeah, fuck. Like it's the same thing as addiction, like depression.
You can't help someone get out of it. No. But yeah, I think I was just like trying to like be there and support you, but yeah, at the, at the same time, like I knew you were just like depressed and like couldn't get out of it. You're like, I can't help you get out of it. Literally nothing can. Yeah. It is like, having the flu honestly, is like a good way to describe it.
You're just like waiting for it to be over. Mm-hmm. And like, nothing anyone's, I'm like, uh, this is my brain. Mm-hmm. And I can like [00:04:00] logically be like, I could get up right now and like, make this better. Mm-hmm. But like, I can't, yeah. I'm just like, I wanna die, honestly. Like, it's so rough. Um, but yeah, it was very rough.
That's like the first like depression I've been in, in a while. Mm-hmm. I had one in the summer for sure, but this one was like, I felt like there was so much pressure and there's like so much we have to do right now, and I'm just like. I can't like, inspire other people's mental health right now when I feel like I want to die.
Yeah. Like I re, my body is like ready to sink. But yesterday we went to, um, this like craft making thing with our friend Carly. Mm-hmm. Big bag of vintage. So fun. Lucky bison. Oh, lucky bison. That's the, that's, that's her leather Instagram. Okay. Big, big vintage is their vintage. Okay. She's got two businesses and then she has her own personal That's like, there's, you got three Instagrams.
Babe Farley babe. Calm it down babe. God. So [00:05:00] energetic. But yeah, we went and did a little leather, what are it called? Leather bison. Um, her brand is called Lucky Bison. Lucky Bison. And we, and she did like a leather workshop. Yeah. We like painted, we stamped leather and then painted these like ornaments and it was so fun.
But maybe we can insert a photo of our creations. There it is. Who's you like better? Oh gosh. It's, I always do that. It's not gonna be mine. Mine, yours is really cute. Hey. Like, I think ours both are like seven point fives. I'm not good at stuff like that. There was a girl at the end of the table and we looked over and I was like, fuck off.
Fuck yeah. And so he was like, are you an artist? And she was like, yeah. We were like, then get at you. Get outta here. This is art. Not for artists. No, this is for people who don't do no art and just wanna arts and crafts night. You keep your talents to yourself. No, but that is also so active of us that we're like judging everyone else.
Oh my God. Based on ourselves. Oh my god. I know. Calm down. Oh my God. But it was cool. Hers was really nice. Yeah. I'm like, I wanna do that. I don't have that skill, but when I was [00:06:00] driving there, like I did not want to go. I, I am surprised that she went, to be honest. Yeah. I was like, God, I don't know if she's gonna cut out.
Well, I just like had to get outta my house. Yeah. Like, I just was feeling. So, and it does hit a breaking point at some point where I'm like, okay, so I either, I'm gonna do this for the next 48 hours or I can like. Try. Yeah. I'm so happy that you came last night. Yeah, it was fun. But on my drive over, I felt my depression start to break.
Yeah. Which really feels like a migraine. Like when you feel your migraines start to dissipate and you're like, there's space between my eyes again. Mm-hmm. It feels like that. And I was like, fucking, thank God. Yeah. But holy shit man. That was, that was not fun. That was like, I wanted to sleep for a hundred years, but anyway, I feel better now.
How was your mental? My mental is okay. Like I think I was worried about you all week and like I said, I didn't know like what I should do. Like what do you think you need when you get into moments like that? Like nothing. Like, nothing. Like I just, yeah. I mean, hopefully it doesn't happen often, but it's [00:07:00] just, yeah.
I just, I can't do anything. Yeah. It's, I hate even talking about it. It makes me like, no, it puts me in such a bad mood, but. Is it because you're embarrassed? No. It's just exhausting. Yeah. Honestly, it's fucking exhausting. And then to like have to like, it's annoying, I guess. Yeah. And it's also hard to talk about because it's like a feeling.
Yeah. And if it's just, there's nothing I can do. Yeah. Like, well, I think I've seen, like obviously you go through it and like I've seen a little bit of my boyfriend go through it too. Mm-hmm. I don't know if I've seen anyone else go through it. So this is like the first time I'm ki like the two most important people in my life are both fucking depressed.
Yeah. Little bitches. I'm like, guys, what am I like? I don't know. I wanna know what I can do to help support you when you're in those times. Because like doing nothing feels, I think that's what it is though, wrong. Because I don't, I like just checking, like do a check in every day. Like Sure. But I don't even, and I think when you're like that [00:08:00] too, like you need to be able to ask for help still, you know?
Like, okay. Sure. But that's depression, right? Yeah. So like, what? We should be able to do what you wanna do. You have to get up, you have to wash your face, you have to take a, you can't, can't do anything. I know. No. And asking for help. A, it's the last thing you I want. 'cause I don't wanna talk to anybody. I like know what this is.
I just wanna go through it alone. Yeah. And anyone else? I don't want the chatter. Yeah. It's like annoying to me, you know? Yeah. Like all of your emotions, it's like having emotional shingles. Mm-hmm. It's like all of your emotions are right on your surface and it's like so delusional also. Mm-hmm. So anything anyone says to you, you're like, I'm never gonna receive that.
Yeah. Because I'm depressed. Okay. So like it doesn. It's not, it's, it's just there's nothing. Yeah. And I think that as an addict, it's really hard to not be able to do anything I know for someone, but it's like, no. Like you just have to wait until the flu is over. Yeah. You know, I'm not gonna kill myself.
Like, I'm really not. Yeah. I'm not in that place where I feel like I'm even like this whole week and I'm like, I'm not [00:09:00] gonna kill myself and I'm not gonna drink. Yeah. I did. I really didn't have any interest in drinking. So like, you're just like stuck in a slum. Yeah. Like I don't need to be 51 50. I just need to be like in my bed crying for a while.
Yeah. Because I also don't Don't, did you do a lot of crying? Yeah, but I also don't have time to do that all the time. Like I don't have time to like feel how I'm feeling. I'm so busy. I'm working so hard and, and then I think it just gets, like, I'll get triggered by something and then my body is like, oh, here we go.
Goodbye, babe. You know? Yeah. It's like if I were to have a drink on an airplane, it would be like, your vacation is crazy now. You know? Yeah. I think it's just like. I guess just because like you are the most important person in my life right now. Sorry to my boyfriend. Like, it's just like, it really, yeah.
Made me like be like, holy shit. Like it, this is what I imagine it would be like for like my parents, like trying to like help me get sober or something, you know? Like [00:10:00] I was like, oh my God. Like there's literally nothing I can do. Like I wish that there was something I can do. Yeah. But I mean, I wish there was too know, like I would love to just take up something and be like, I'm good now.
Yeah. But like, even when I'm like, like this happens, even when I don't miss my meds. Like it's just, yeah. I get overwhelmed. I don't know, I'm getting overwhelmed and then I'm like, oh, I'm drowning. Yeah. Like I'm already drowning, but. I do feel better. And I also know like sometimes I have to really sink and cry.
Like if I, I couldn't cry the first day. I like could not fucking cry. And I was like, I feel so nauseous and sick and I just need to get this shit outta my body. And I just, if I need to cry, I watch Ariana Grande's, we can't be friends. Music, video. And then I watch her performance on SN L and it makes me fucking, have you seen it?
No, but I watched, watched, it makes me cry. I watched the scene in the Cinderella story of when like they kiss at the end and he like is done the football game. Like he stops the football game and runs up to her in the bleachers [00:11:00] and just makes that with her in the rain. Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a sout.
Literally. That's what I watch when I need to cry. Okay. That's an interesting one. So my mental health. Yeah, your mental health meal. I would say since you're feeling better, like I'm also feeling better, like it does suck that like I feel everything's. Shit so deeply. Like even when like my boyfriend's feeling bad.
Like I feel it. Yeah. Um, I think that's just because like I'm, yeah. I'm an empathetic person. Yeah. And I don't know if this is like right, but like I do care about the people in my life so much. Mm-hmm. And like, I want the best for them. So obviously I was just worried about you all week. Yeah. Um, and now that you're looking up, I'm looking up and I am really excited to just do nothing with my boyfriend for a week.
Hmm. Yeah. That's so fun. Um, so I would say I [00:12:00] am about like a seven now. Oh, that's great. Right now. Okay. I love a seven. Yeah, I know. You're gonna get on the train and then poof. Poof. I'm gone. Christmas land. Okay. So. Hi. So don't get drunk tonight. Don't get drunk tonight. This is the last day. Of 31st of the, this is the last day of 2025.
How is everybody doing? Yeah. How was your 2025? It was fine. How was your fine? You think this year was fine? No, 2025 was the fucking best year of my life, honestly. Like, didn't expect that. Didn't know it could be this good. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't know that I had capacity for anything other than like being a fucking loser.
Yeah. So, yeah, it's good. How was your 2025? No, it was the best year of my life too. I, um, I didn't realize, but we started the podcast in March and then I got into a relationship in March as well, which is crazy that both I know of the best things. Busy this year happened busy in March this year. [00:13:00] Um, that is wild.
Yeah, it's weird. How the year were you in a relationship? When I was in Tulum? Yeah. Yeah. Um, no, no. Almost. I got into a relationship March 30th. Oh my. It's cute that you know that. I guess everyone knows that. Well, we, we didn't, we had to discuss it last night 'cause I was like, blah, blah. Both things happened in March and he was like, yeah, our anniversary is March 30th.
And I was like, no, it's March 31st. And then we had a fight and then it was March 30th. That's like Nike's birthday. Nike's birthday. He's either born on the second or the third. But yeah, it was like he was born in the middle of the night. So two things, say different things and I'm like, I just have to choose.
It's both. I guess I have to choose. But he kept the receipt of the restaurant on the day that he asked me so that he would always remember. That's fucking nice. I know. It's really cute. I'm always waiting for someone to do something romantic for me and well, he's like really sentimental and like keeps shit.
And I, I don't think I'm a hoarder in any sense. 'cause it's so easy [00:14:00] for me to just get rid of shit. Like throw it out. I don't want it. You're so regulated, so nice. I think I wish I held onto a little bit more things. Yeah. Like what? I don't know. Like the people that got me birthday cards and Christmas cards this year.
Yeah. I'm like, should I keep them? I know, but I'm like at the same time, like, why am I gonna keep them? There was someone on Dak Shepherds at podcasts like a long time ago when I was still drinking and they said that they're like, I keep, I've kept every Christmas and birthday card my whole life and I just like have them.
And I'm like, first of all, you're insane. Second of all, damn. And third of all, we live in Toronto and my condo is not big. So where the fuck are you putting all this shit also? No. You know what I was gonna say? Who the fuck is sending Christmas cards? I have one. My friend's mom sends me a Christmas card every year and I love it.
Yeah. So much. It's the cutest thing. Often. It's a picture of the full family. Yeah. Love that. I'm like, yep, here you are again in the thirties. But um, yeah, we should take Christmas card pictures next year. I'm, I'm down. And [00:15:00] send them around. I'm So send them. Well we do have a Christmas card photo. With Santa.
Oh, we, yo, yo. Can we say what happened that day? Yeah, that was crazy. That was crazy. That scared me. I wanna tell it. I wanna tell it. I wanna tell it. So we're at the distillery district. Guys remember I love Christmas. Okay. Yeah. Heather loves Christmas so much. Um, we're both with our boyfriends and we go up to take photos with Santa, which is like so adorable and funny.
Mm-hmm. And I sit beside Santa and my boyfriend goes to sit beside Santa. And I was like, no, don't sit beside Santa. Like, Heather's gonna sit beside Santa. And so my boyfriend goes on my side. Heather walks up. Right? I didn't hear that. Yeah. And then Heather enters the scene and Santa goes, hi Heather. And Heather freaks the fuck out.
I literally went, I went like this. No, like I panicked my heart like sank. I was like. Christmas is real. Like, it was so weird. My brain and this [00:16:00] Santa Claus looked like Santa Claus. Like no, it was Santa. It was Santa. It was weird. Yeah. And my brain was so delusional in that moment where I was like, this is like Christmas.
This is like the Santa Claus. Everything makes everything makes sense. Yeah. We like, no one else knows that this is Santa. But this is Santa. Yeah. And I was like so freaked out and I was like, the elves were being little rats too. Yeah. And I was like, how did he know that? And they're like, it's Christmas.
I'm like, fuck on. And I was like, did I sign something? And then No. Finally you were so confused. You were like, what's going on though? I know. I was like, don't worry, just sit down. I know. I was like, the spirit of Christmas is here. It, that was crazy. And then someone was like, no, Zoe said your name. And I was like, oh, thank God.
I was like, oh, bummer. But also, thank God. Yeah. Because now I'm worried that Santa's gonna come find me. But I loved that. Yeah. That was fucking fun. It was hilarious. It was really fun. And that photo is iconic. We should post it on Girl Undrunk. Oh yeah. How have you not done that? That's so cute. Um, my friend told me that she.
Went to take photos with Santa or like just went to see Santa at the mall. I don't know why she went, but [00:17:00] sexual purposes probably. Uh, to sit on Santa's lap, go to the mall. And she said that she talked to Santa about how she wants peace for the world. And I was like, that's actually really cute, that like you just talked to Santa Ask asking for peace and like having a conversation about peace.
Like that's really kind of like sweet. It is, but it's also like go to therapy. Yeah. But it's kind of like, I'm sure it's healing in some sort of like childhood way. 100%. That's like, that is kind of like a therapy. That is how I felt when Santa said my name. Yeah. I was like. Everything I've ever wanted is fine.
It's here now. I'm good. Did you cry when you saw San as a kid or were you like Fuck yeah. Oh, 'cause I was scared. Yeah. No, I don't think I cried. Yeah. I was never comfortable. Yeah. Like I was never, but also I was never comfortable taking like, hugging my uncle. Yeah. Or anybody. Like I didn't, didn't want that kind of thing.
So, no. I always felt embarrassed too. 'cause I was like, I know what's going on here. [00:18:00] It's like a cute thing. Yeah. But no, I was never scared, but I was always scared of the actual Christmas Eve when Santa was going to come into my home. Yeah. And then walk about. Mm-hmm. Same with the Easter Bunny. So I would sleep in my sister's room every single Christmas until I was like 15.
What did you do last New Year's Eve?
Oh, that's a easy question, Zoe. What I do every New Year's Eve is I watch the Sex in the City movie and I go, I cry Yeah. In my bed, and I go to sleep and I'm asleep. Is that what you did? A lot of the times, like every New Year's, every really single New Year's. Holy shit. It's my favorite thing to do. Do you think you're gonna come out with us this New Year's Eve?
I do not know. Okay. Um, I just like to listen to, I like when Carrie Bradshaw, when Miranda is upset and she's alone on New Year's, and then she calls Carrie and she's like, what are you doing? She's like, I'm just gonna go to bed. And then carrie's like, oh, my friend. And then she puts on her, you know, her big skirt and her robe and then, and then walks down.
Then she takes the [00:19:00] subway, that's me. And it's like, oh, land sign. I love that. What did you do for New Year's? Last year I went to a friend's house party. I didn't stay that late though. I, I stayed till like one o'clock. Okay. Yeah. Did you, I kinda wanna stay out till, did you have a kiss last year? No. 'cause was away in Florida and there Florida was no.
But you weren't in ALA yet? No, I wasn't in a relat, but I didn't see anyone that night. Maybe I saw someone like the week after or the week prior. Yeah. I don't know. I, uh, I, I guess I'll see what I'm doing. I don't know. I think we can make a plan to have dinner altogether. Yeah. Like an 8:00 PM dinner.
Mm-hmm. And then break off if you're feeling like you wanna come out. You come out. Yeah. And if you're not, you can just hang in. Yeah. New Year's, I usually cry. I find New Year's is always like a big thing. It's like after Christmas, Christmas is so stressful. Yeah. And then there's New Year's and I'm like, I never wanna go out.
Also, [00:20:00] being in the city, everyone is doing some, there's so many things going on and it's like, okay, what are we choosing and am I standing in line at, I know, but 30. If you come to this thing, you're not standing in a line. You sure? Yes. Why? I'm sure. Because we're getting a ticket and we go in. There's no lines.
No. Okay. I fuck. It's literally gonna be at like a warehouse. Like it's gonna be really cool. You're gonna feel like you're in New York. Last time I was in a warehouse in New York, I smoked crack. I will not let you smoke crack. Oh, happy New Year everybody. Um, I want to talk about New Year's. Okay. In a very serious way.
I think that we should, there's a few things I wanna do, but I think we should talk about the ins and outs of the New Years. Yeah. What we're bringing in and what we're leaving behind. And I think we should just go through a few categories. Okay. So I think we should start with sobriety. Yes. Obviously. What is [00:21:00] something that you learned about yourself in sobriety this year that you wanna take into?
The next year. Um, I guess just how much I can help people get sober, whether it's my friends, whether it's people in the meetings, whether it's people who listen to the podcast. Like there's so many avenues in my life where people come to me about sobriety and I think like I can really make an impact on their whole entire lives and like save them from the drinking of it all.
Mm-hmm. Um, so I think I really was, um, aware of that this year and I really like how that makes me feel in my own sobriety. So like that's something that I really wanna take into the next year. Um, because I am so confident in my sobriety right now, like I think I can handle like. Taking in other people.
Um, my boyfriend mentioned that his sister reached out to him and I was [00:22:00] like, Kate, let's plan a brunch with her. Come on, let's go. 'cause she's an active addiction. And I was like, and he was like, no, that's crazy. And I'm like, that's not crazy. Like, I wanna meet her. Yeah. And it's because selfishly I wanna save her, you know?
Which, yeah. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but I just think seeing other sober people live mm-hmm. I think that would like be inspiring to me if I was someone like really fucked up. Yeah. You know? And seeing that it's possible. Yeah. And I think even too, if it's not like, oh, I can save this person's like.
I'm a connection for this person. Yeah. Like I am a person in this world who like, you're not alone. Yeah. I've gone through the same bullshit you've gone through. So like, I'm here regardless, you know? Exactly. And I think like she knows that her brother like overcame it, but like it's your brother. So like why would she like even care what Yeah.
She had to say, you know? Yeah. Like, I wouldn't care what my brother had to say. No, me either. I feel like you don't understand. Even though we have the same DNA and we lived the same experiences. Yeah. You don't understand. You don't fucking get it. Um, what about you? [00:23:00] Um, I think, I mean, there's so many things, but I think just like a surface level thing.
I think my stamina, sobriety is like given me stamina and I'm learning to like, like you've said too, like I used to say like, I can only do one thing a day. Mm-hmm. And now I'm like, oh, I do multiple things a day. And I think that is sobriety. That's like sobriety has like given me energy. It's given me confidence to like try and go out and be friends with people.
So I think that that is what I wanna continue into the new year is just kind of like keeping that going. Like keep going with the motion. Yeah. And like if I wanna go out, go out. Yeah. Like just kind of, yeah. Keep my social circles moving. And I think that's a good thing too, of like going out and even leaving after 30 minutes.
Yeah. An hour. Like at least you went and like you experienced it and like the, maybe the next time you'll go for a little bit longer, but I think it's just like pushing yourself. Yeah. Um, because like I got out of rehab and like just immediately push myself Yeah. For [00:24:00] some weird reason. And I think now you're like comfortable enough to push yourself.
Mm-hmm. And I think it's just doing that and not putting like, pressure on yourself of like, I have to stay here till 12 o'clock at night. Right. Blah, blah, blah. Like, well, and you know what, I've done that multiple times where I've like gone to something with you. Yeah. Or I've gone to something and then left early.
Yeah. And no one's mad. No. No one's mad. Even Anne, like, we came to your, your birthday, she like had to leave early and like Yeah. I think she felt bad about that, but then it's like, oh no, no. Like you were in the mix. Yeah. Like you came, you saw you said hi to everyone. Yeah. Now when we think about Zoe's birthday, like your part, like you're there.
Yeah. And think like, if you can show up, if you wanna show up, just give yourself like, okay, we're gonna do this in like 10 minute increments. Yeah. And it's okay. You know? Yeah. Yeah. And it's just like, it's exposure therapy. It's exposure therapy. You'll never do it if you don't try. Yeah. Um, and I think I am so proud of you, like even like at the beginning of this year.
Yeah. You only did one thing [00:25:00] a day. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I don't know when that changed, but like yeah, you're doing multiple things a day and like you're not, it was probably when you were like, Hey, do you wanna hang out after the pod? True. And I was like, what do you mean after the pod mean? After like, this is my event for the day.
Yeah. Um. Is there a version of you you saw in 2025 that you really like and you wanna bring into 2026? And is there a version of you you saw in 2025 that you don't like that you would prefer to leave in the past? I think just like the version of me that I wanna leave in the past is whenever like I'm around my family or like in like heated situations I do, it's usually around my family.
I usually am just like quick to trigger and like just get mad and get like bratty all of a sudden. And I just hate that I do that still. Yeah. And I know like family is just like so hard in general, but I just hate when I do that. I did a little bit last [00:26:00] weekend when my boyfriend was there and I just hated that version of myself.
It's not even like I don't do it around my friends, it's literally just with my family. Yeah. And I think it's just annoying and it brings me back to like high school shit and COVID shit and. It does really trigger me and I don't like that. I still do that. Mm-hmm. Um, so that's something I wanna really try to stop doing.
Um, I think it's just like giving myself grace and like leaving Yeah. Leaving the room when I'm feeling like wild up. Like, just go away for a second. Do you know why that happens? I think it's just because like, I think it's just because like parents are like, it brings me back Yeah. To being their daughter, you know, and like doing horrible stuff to them and being a brat.
'cause I was a brat growing up. Well, when you have trauma as a kid, you, when you get re-triggered in those [00:27:00] spaces. You're stunted, so you revert back to who you were when you were 14. Yeah. And that's just true because that's like your body's default. So it's not like, oh, I'm working on myself, I'm a good person.
And now when I see my dad, I'm like, fuck you. It's like, yeah, because your dad triggers you. Mm-hmm. And like you've been working on yourself, but that little girl doesn't know that. Yeah. So it is like, when it comes to grace, it's like, yeah, this isn't me. Like you guys make me hack this way. I know. And like I can't.
I know You can't blame keep blaming them because I feel like I have so much in my past. Yeah. Just blame them for everything. So yeah, I think like that's something I really wanna work on. Um, I think something I saw good in me this year was just like how I'm able to like love someone, I guess. Hmm. You as well.
That's nice. Like being able to show up for you in such a way and being able to show up for my boyfriend in such a way. Yeah. Like I am proud that I can do that. 'cause I don't think I ever [00:28:00] thought that I could. Mm-hmm. Or like deserved it. And like you were literally my wife. Like I went out to dinner with Alexia and Tori and like, I brought you up so many times.
Like, oh, Heather would've loved that and like Heather would do this or blah, blah blah. And I'm like, why am I bringing up my best friend so much? Oh yeah. 'cause she's literally my wife. Yeah. Yeah. So I think I love that. I've always wanted to be a wife. Yeah. Of a friend, a friendship wife, a friendship wife, a work wife, a friendship wife.
Yeah. Um, so I think just showing up of ways of like love. Is what I wanna lean in more. Like I have never been a lover girl, ever. I know. Like my friends are so shocked that like, I'm in love now. Like, what the fuck is that? Oh, you were deeply in love with alcohol. Yeah, I was in a very toxic way. Yeah. And I don't know, like I think I was, after I was in love with alcohol, I was just in love with sex.
Mm-hmm. Like I didn't care about the men I was [00:29:00] sleeping with. I was just like in love with having sex with them. Yeah. And then my boyfriend just like stuck around and I was like, oh yeah, like you're really nice, I guess. No, he's so fucking cute. And then, yeah, I was like, okay. What would I do without you kind of thing.
Yeah, I'd be fine. 'cause I you, but yeah, I'm fucking crazy too. Okay. It is funny how you and him are so similar. Like, its funny that no, we could never date. You could never date him. Him. We could never. No. It'd be actually really bad. Yeah. We would go months without speaking. We'd say, I love you immediately and then go months without speaking.
Yeah. Not that me and your boyfriend are in love just before that gets crazy. I mean, you guys are in love. I mean, yeah. Well, we must be. No, she he's been worried about you too. His girlfriend is my husband. Yeah. So it is very important. Yeah. Um, how about you? Oh me. Right, right, right, right. What's something that you saw in yourself that you loved this year that you wanna bring in?
Something that you hated about yourself that you don't wanna bring in? I like, I'm trying [00:30:00] to do this without being self-deprecating. That's very hard. I like that. I. Had a goal and have had many goals and I've put energy towards them and I've followed through with them, even if it involves a lot of crying.
Mm-hmm. And lying on this couch and sinking. But I do like that there's been follow through. Mm-hmm. I'm not a follow through girly. I never was. I don't do anything. Mm-hmm. And I am very impressed with myself for, um, trusting the process. I think, yeah. I trusting my internal process a little bit with like all of this shit and like work relationships.
I think, I think that I'm learning to trust myself a little bit more and I wanna bring that in. What I don't want is all the, I mean, Anne said this to me on the phone the other day. She's like, since I've known you since you were 17 years old, she's like, you have so much like [00:31:00] self-doubt. Mm-hmm. And no one gives a fuck.
Mm-hmm. And that's true. It's like if I'm like, oh, I don't know if I can do this. It's like you, no one's asking. Yeah. No one cares. Like nobody, this is all on me. Mm-hmm. I mean, in my own brain. Um, so I think I would like to do my best to try and take away some of that energy. Like of the doubt of the self-doubt of, yeah.
Yeah. Because like everyone around me, and I've created this, like, I've created a situation where like everyone around me is amazing. Mm-hmm. And sober and cool and supportive. And so I have the space to trust myself mm-hmm. And know that people are gonna support me. Yeah. And I don't really understand that feeling.
Mm-hmm. But that's what I'm gonna try and do. Yeah. Well, I mean, going into the new year, right? Like. You have, you've made this and you've made the group of people around you. Mm-hmm. And yeah, they're all amazing people. Like, and that is just so showing of the [00:32:00] amazing person that you are. Because if you had shit people around, if you didn't follow through with this, like you would be a bad person.
Right. So I think like everything that you've done this year, if, if you didn't do this, you'd be a bad person. Those are my options. Exactly. So going into this new year though, like you can just know that you've built this. Yeah. And everyone around you is here because they love you. Mm-hmm. And they're good fucking people.
Yeah. They're not shit people. No. So fucking really like Hold onto that. Yeah. And know that. And then going into this new year, just you'll be able to trust yourself more. Yeah. Because it's like, yeah, I fucking did this. Yeah. I'm deserving because. Everyone around me is deserving as well. Yeah. I think I, I think that is too, I think I'm so shocked all the time when I see how amazing our team is and I'm like, why are you guys so good at everything?
Like, what, why am I so behind? And then it's like, wait, hold on. You're not behind. You did this. Like, this is because of you. This is your creation. This is your mind. And the follow through is what you said. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I guess it's [00:33:00] like my nervous system is catching up to all of the things that have happened.
Yeah. And I'm not, I'm still living in a world where I'm like, I'm not good enough. I can't do it. Yeah. And it's like, that's not. True. No, it's not true. It's not true anymore. Yeah. So I think yeah, sure. It was true, right? Yeah. Yeah. Like it definitely was. Yeah. And I think like even you should spend like the next week really like journaling and like putting it down on paper.
Like, I am a good person. Mm-hmm. I am deserving of this, you know? Yeah. This next week is gonna be such a weird week for you. Like know it's, I hate the InBetween of Christmas and New Year's so awkward. What even happens? So what's driving? So I think just like really cementing in your brain that this, you deserve every fucking good thing.
Mm-hmm. Because you've made it. Yeah. And really try to cement that in your brain going into the new year because. You can like Really? Yeah. Will achieve like the next greatest thing, you know? Yeah. 'cause it's also like, why not think that way? Yeah. Like what? What's the point of being, well, what does Rihanna say?
Fake it [00:34:00] till you make it bitch. Was that Rihanna? Okay. I think did I haven't said this before in the podcast? No, but did maybe. Actually I think I did and I think I said that's not Rihanna. Did Rihanna make that up? Rihanna made up Fake it till you make it. I have said that before. I think you have. That is so fucking funny.
Sp okay. I just like love Rihanna so much then. Then let's simmer down. Speaking about celebrities. 'cause I've got something to say about Miss Rihanna. Why? What were you gonna say? We can bring it back to sober news too, and talk about the old Jay Beebs. Okay. Then let's simmer down and then we'll bring it into sober news.
Yeah, I love it. Another approach. Yeah, approach. What celebrities are we taking in and what celebrities are we not taking into 2026? I have a very good answer for one of them. I don't know who I'm bringing with me though, yet. So, have you seen Timmo Chala Me's whole press tour for Mar Marty Supreme? Yeah.
Guys, what's going on is crazy. Hey, crazy. Did you see like the, like they're doing interviews and he, this guy's like dancing on his knees and then like, blows [00:35:00] Timmo, Schlamme kiss. What is this movie about? It's about a ping pong player. Okay. And this ping pong player is like really confident and like, thinks he's the shit.
So I think like Timothy Chalamet is doing some sort of like, like he's acting like that in this press release too. Okay. 'cause he's acting crazy. He's acting crazy. But I need to show you this. Did you see this thing where the guy blows him a kiss? No. And then Timothy Chala may just like, takes it and is like received catches the kids.
I know you received Love him. No, but honestly I actually loves him. No, I actually love him. But this whole press release, it's making me question if he. If any woman was fucking doing the shit that he's doing on this press release, they'd be like, get this girl out of here, babe. This is what's happening right now.
There. This is what Giggly squad squad was talking about too. The method acting Yeah. Is only men. It's only men. Women don't like come home and like pretend to be the TTA all, well, Kristen Stewart said that, right? And then yes. Okay. Kristen Stewart is the shit. Uh, [00:36:00] I don't think I was in love with anyone else on Twilight.
I was in love with Kristen Stewart. Like that's just what it was. Yes. And I think we were all just waiting for Kristen to Kristen to Stewart. Kristen Stewart to be Is Kristen Stewart gay? Yes. Yes. So I think we were all waiting for her to be gay and then we could love her. 'cause we were like, what are you doing in Twilight?
Yeah. What are you doing? You don't want that sparkly man. You don't want Exactly. He's, you don want that pal. You don't want that shirtless wolf, you know, he turns into a wolf. Ew. Yeah. How fucking cringe. I think the, like the transition would be so. Embarrassing. What's, what's more embarrassing turning into the wolf or becoming Taylor Latner?
Like is this you ready or is this Yeah, I both, I think turning into the wolf is a lot more vulnerable. 'cause you're like seeing the Hawkeye leave. Yeah. That's worse. Yeah. At least the ending of the wolf to man is there's man, but you never see half man, half horse with a horse head and a [00:37:00] man's body bottom half.
I'm just trying to think of like, I'm just trying to process everything I am taking, who am I take? Wait. You're taking to me, I, I need to say true. I agree to, um, Timothy Chalamet and he has been acting super weird on this press release. And like if any woman did that, they would be shot dead. Never like spoken to again in Hollywood.
And I know that, but like Totally he is. So you're a loyalist. I, I'm a loyalist. I love him. You're a Charle and I'm taking him, who am I leaving? Yeah, I'm gonna leave.
This is a crazy thing to say, but all are Kardashians. Okay. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Okay. You're just done. I've never bought any bought I've bought, never boughten anything. I've never bought anything from them. And I literally just like, I hate seeing Chris Jenner's popping up on my TikTok doing ads. I'm [00:38:00] like, 30-year-old Chris Jenner.
Yeah. Go away. Go away. I know, but that's how they, that's their whole thing. We are here because they are here. If. This is how I will bring the Kardashians back if Okay. Kim Kardashian, you heard it here first. If Kim Kardashian comes out and says, yes, I wanted that sex, sleep to come out, and I did that to make myself famous, I would be like, I know.
Thank you so much. I know it doesn't, it doesn't matter. It, it took her 30 years to admit that if she admitted that I would fucking love her, you know? Yeah. You know what? I think? 'cause that's ballsy. I would do that too, to go get by myself. Famous. Like we might. Yeah. That's So we might still, we might still listen.
Like OnlyFans coming, OnlyFans coming. Um, it's just us chatting. Um, we do the podcast on OnlyFans just naked, but just the pond. Yeah. In this sitting position. Cool. Um, I think, oh, you're right, because I think if like, like harping on a woman to be like, tell us the truth. Tell us the truth is a little like [00:39:00] misogynist, but she is a billionaire, so I think at this point it's like, yeah, no, just tell us.
Yeah, they're Kardashians. I just think that. Gen Z and like the whole trajectory of the internet Yeah. Is being so honest about everything. Mm-hmm. Right. Like our podcast is hopefully gonna blow up because we're being so honest about our lives, you know? Mm-hmm. And the fakeness that they still hold to this day Yeah.
Is fucking just pissing me off. What are your celebrities? I'm so excited to hear them. Okay. So who am I bringing with me? This is a good question. I don't really know yet. I'll do that second. Okay. Wait, wait. No, I just do a rapid fire. Who am I bringing? Who do I love? May Martin. Yeah. Oh, you know what? That's a great one.
I'm bringing May because May did such a good job this year with Wayward. They're writing a new show. Yeah. With the writing partner from the uk. And are they gonna do a second season of Wayward? No, no. I kind of love a one. I love it too. Season love. And I think they're writing a short, another short series, which is really thrilling.
I think that May is gonna really. [00:40:00] May the, you know, may is getting further and further away from me because they're blowing up and that's okay. And I'm happy for May, but I'll take them into 2026. It's fine, but it just probably won't be on top of me. It's right. I mean, this is the, the self-doubt that we don't want.
You're right. I'm gonna marry May. Exactly. Um, okay. Who I'm leaving.
This is very important and one of our friends is a culprit of this. Okay. And I know you're not listening unless you're having sexy little rat. We are not fucking taking Chris Brown Okay. Into 2026. I don't give a fucking shit. Chris Brown is touring. Yeah. I am old enough to remember. Mm-hmm. The photos that came out Yeah.
Of Rihanna's fucking face. Yeah. When he beat the fuck out of her, in and out of the car. Yeah. She had bite marks on her face. I remember too. I was disgusted and I'll say this and I said it to her. I dunno if I said it to her face. I'll say it too. I think you said it to her face. I'm fucking disgusted. [00:41:00] That anybody in my circle is ever going to Chris Brown's concert.
That to me is so crazy. That would be like going to r Kelly's concert. Literally. I'm like, or did he now? Yeah. I'm like, sorry. Are you too young to have not known? Mm-hmm. Yeah. He was early twenties, but I don't give a shit because here's the other thing. You and me talk about this all the time. Let's say he's in his early twenties, and then he came out and he said, you know what?
I was struggling with addiction. I was struggling with this. I had this ba, ba, ba, I did a really bad thing. I'm sorry. Me and Rihanna are good. You know, I've, yeah. Done this, this, and this to be better. Then maybe we can have a conversation, but not with me, because that's my boundary. That's never happened.
That's never happened. He's never taken any accountability. All of these girls and boys, like going to these concerts with like your fucking tits out. Mm-hmm. And you're just like being like, ah, fuck me brown. Like I love that guy. And I'm like, he's an abuser and you're adding really disgusting. Yeah. It's fucking gross.
And I really think you're problematic if you do that and like [00:42:00] maybe you didn't know, maybe you're too young to know, but you've got, you've got to, got to, got to start looking at the people you're supporting. Yeah. Because when it comes to abuse, that should really be a line. Yeah. For most women. And should, I shouldn't say whatever, but come on.
I think that that is a great Thank you, um, person to fucking leave behind in 2026. Um, yeah. We know people who went to the Chris Brown concert mm-hmm. And like why? And she even said like, oh, I don't know. Yeah. No, you need to know. Yeah. You need like concerts. One are so fucking expensive. Don't go to. An abuser's concert and support them.
It's fucking crazy. And he still was bringing on like girls in the crowd to come on stage and like he was grinding on them. So it's like, yeah. Didn't learn anything. And like, I don't wanna blame women. You just have to be smarter. Yeah. Like you have to just, it's crazy. And maybe because like [00:43:00] abuse isn't in everyone's past and so people aren't as triggered.
Yeah. You should be triggered by male abuse. Yeah. You should be triggered by men abusing women. You just should. Yeah. So that's what I'll say. He's not coming now back to New Year's. Um, no. Speaking about celebrities. Yeah. I forgot to bring this up for sober news. Oh yeah. But have you seen the Justin Bieber little clip that's going viral?
Yes. You wanna tell me about it? Um, basically Justin Bieber's been doing these things where he's like going on a live, I don't know if it's on Instagram and TikTok or what. I think that's problem number one. When people start doing lives, you're like, for what's happening? No, a hundred percent. What drugs are you on?
Um. He's just been doing these lives and I think this is like cut from a live that he did. He's basically chatting with his friends on a couch, getting an iv, saying that he is like doing a month sober. And he's one weekend and it's really hard because the holidays are coming up and everyone's like drinking wine and he would love to have a glass of wine and how he should have waited [00:44:00] to start this one month of sobriety in January.
Mm-hmm. What I did show you the video. Yeah. And, um, what did you think about after seeing that? Well, first of all, I'm like anybody like slumped down in a couch with an IV in their arm talking about sobriety is. Such a meme to me. And mind you, it's just, I like IVs too. Mm-hmm. It's just vitamins. Yeah. And like they're, he's so busy.
But what you said too, you're like, well, yeah, he's probably in withdrawal. Yeah. I was like, he might be in withdrawing me. Yeah. Those IVs, maybe he's sick from not drinking for a week. They didn't say anything about drugs. Yeah, it was just about drinking. So I wonder if he's doing drugs within this month and just stopping drinking.
Yeah. Like, I don't know, like he's prob maybe smoking weed. This month videos and not drinking videos. Videos that we've seen. And we can kind of say this because we've seen multiple of our friends on drugs take them and then act in ways. Yeah. I think the videos we've seen of Justin at like some concerts and stuff, it doesn't just look like alcohol to me.
Mind you, alcohol can look like anything. Yeah. [00:45:00] So, but to me it does look like a little more of like, well, speed or ketamine or something going on. Everyone used to say like, I know my boss who brought me to the hospital once said to me like crazy, so crazy, crazy sentence. She said to me like, what did you do?
Like that was not just alcoholic, you were on something, right? And I was like, no, that was just alcohol. Yeah. So psychosis, I don't know. It was. Definitely psychosis for me, but I think sometimes when it is just alcohol, it could look like something else because you're so, your brain is literally just so fucked up and you're going through psychosis.
Yeah. Also, like I'm super depressed. So alcohol to me, it, it can, it can make you a little weird. Yeah. So it is possible. He just wants to like, let go and dance. But yeah. So I wonder if like, alcohol is his problem and like drugs aren't, I would assume that alcohol is not his problem because he's not. 'cause he's just quitting that for a month.
So it must be like an easy way out, you know what I mean? Maybe. Yeah. I, I do wonder, and I wonder, I think a lot of [00:46:00] people around this time of year are like, I'm gonna quit. Yeah. You know, and then it's like, oh wait, I can't. Quit. We have Christmas and New Year's. What am I gonna do? Just sit at home and be sad.
I can't do that. 'cause I'm not drinking. I'm not gonna do that. So I think it is interesting that he's like chosen this time. Yeah. And he's being honest about it being like, this fucking sucks. Because I would love to have a drink. Yes. That's super honest. I like that. Like I like that too. Like the fact that he did open up about it is really cool.
I will be stalking you his Instagram and seeing the, hes like, has something in his hands. But yeah. We'll be watching you a little bit. I'll be watching you JB just to like keep you on track. It is that thing like, I say it too. Yeah. And I'll be like, I don't want to, or like, I, I'm having cravings right now where like, I really wish I could have a drink and that's what I learned in rehab and it helps me to like name the thing and be like, oh, I'm not having anxiety.
I just wanted a drink. Drink for a second drink. Yeah. I dunno. We'll see. I wonder why he's choosing this time. It's so, it feels, it feels like someone told him to do it. I [00:47:00] know. Yeah. Or like it. Yeah. I don't know what's going on. It's also like coming outta the Diddy doc. Yeah. I'm like, did that have something to do with it?
Damn. I worry about Justin. Yeah. Um, it is interesting how he was like, I should have just wait till January. Mm-hmm. Because everyone does, everyone does, does sober January. Is anyone doing sober January? You know, I think as an addict, I really, really believed myself when I was like, I'm going to stop drinking in January, or I'm gonna do dry January.
I'm gonna stop drinking for this month. Even if it was like five minutes before I drank again. I really believed myself because I wanted to believe that I could and that I didn't have a problem and this wasn't gonna be an issue. And I would like, I remember every single time I would go from Boston to New York and back on the Greyhound bus on my way back to Boston.
I would always like have these like post-trip revelations where I was like, I'm going to eat really well. I'm gonna stop drinking. I'm not gonna do drugs. I'm going to. Well eat really well. It was gonna be like not eat, like Yeah. And it was gonna be so [00:48:00] regimented. And I, I really felt that feeling of adrenaline and optimism and hope, but it's so fleeting.
Mm-hmm. And so I think that's why it hurts people so bad when they're like, I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna stop drinking in January. I'm gonna do all of these goals and it doesn't work out. And you're like, I'm a piece of fucking shit. I'm gonna drink. Yeah. You know, that's a, a lot of people talk about that in the meetings being like, I, if you did a lie detector test to me and like when I woke up after doing like a horrible thing and I was like, I promise I'm not gonna drink again.
I would pass the lie detector test. Okay. 'cause I really fucking meant it. Yeah. But then something happens where the addict takes over. Yeah. And it's like, no, you need this. Yeah. And then you go and get booze four hours later. Yeah. You know? I know. So I know, like, it's interesting because it's something that a lot of people say in the meetings, but.
It's why it is a disease. Yeah, yeah. You know, it takes over you if you want to get [00:49:00] sober. If you wanted to get sober, you would. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all wanna get sober. Yeah. We don't wanna live in a world where we can't drink if it's gonna be like this. Yeah. So like, yeah, your addict brain does take over.
It's just fucking doing pushups all the time. Yeah. But those little moments are really sweet, I think. 'cause it's like, I see you in there, Joe. Yeah. Like, you don't wanna be doing this, but, mm-hmm. Um, but I think also too, in that sense, instead of saying goals, I started doing this last year a little bit.
Like, I'm not gonna do goals. I'm not gonna say what are my goals for this year. It's like, what am I putting energy towards? Mm-hmm. Because as an addict, as an all or nothing girl. Mm-hmm. If I make a fucking goal, I will not do it January 1st and then I'll say. Then I guess I should buy some fucking cocaine.
Mm-hmm. You know, like it really does feel like that. So I'm like, okay, well rather than being like, I'm gonna go to the gym three times a week, I'm gonna drink water in the morning. Yeah. I'll be like, let's just put energy towards that. I wake up in the morning, I should have some water. If I don't have some water, it's not the end of the world.
Yeah. You know, maybe the end of the year is more for reflection. I [00:50:00] think so. I think that's what it should be like. Yeah. Reflecting on this year, not what we did bad. Not what we like need to change about next year to make it better, but just observing. Yeah. We were talking about this with Anne, like thinking back on this last year, we, our first episode of this podcast was, this is not a health and wellness podcast.
Mm. Let's talk a little bit about that. Oh my God. 'cause I have leaned in to, I know health and wellness so hard this year. 2024. I worked at once a week. I was like, that's enough for me reading Lagree. That's too much for me. I was alternating between Jaybird Sweat and Tonic. Yeah. And like, I don't know what other ones I would do.
And this year I have started boxing consistently. Yes. And I started doing Lagree more consistently. And I have started running, which I know started running. This one's never stopping. No, I started running this [00:51:00] year. It's insane. Are you running in the winter? You're running on the treadmill? I'm running on the treadmill.
What do you like better? I like running outside better. More, more things to see. Yeah, more. I get fucking so bored and then I'm just looking at how much I have to do left. And I'm like, Ugh. I know I used to put a towel on the treadmill to cover. I need to do that. I need to do that. But then you're like guessing.
Yeah. It's a game. And then the towel falls down and you're like, I've just run for 12 seconds. I have so much more time now. And if I don't run today, I am never gonna fit into that dress. And I guess I'll just do cocaine. It got dark. That's, well, that's what running does to me. So I don't, I don't run anymore.
You can't run. I don't run. I have a Peloton in my bedroom. Never use it. Even like getting the aura ring, ah, is health and wellness of me. Like I am. Like don't wanna be on birth control anymore. I'm trying to like, take care of my body. I am tr like, I don't think I've ever not ate good. Mm-hmm. That's not a correct sentence.
Well, for example, at work I would always like Uber eat something to work uhhuh almost every fucking day, which is so much money. And now I'm making a yogurt.[00:52:00]
Now I'm making a yogurt bowl at work every day. Which like yogurt, granola berries. That's really good. That is even something that has like, I'm a health and wellness fucking girl now. And how did this happen? Don't worry. I still smoke cigarettes. Like I'm not that health and wellness. If I stop smoking cigarettes, it will be the, I will be.
Unrecognizable. No. You know, I will hate that girl tall. You're gonna get so tall. Five years ago I would hate that girl. 'cause smoking stunts your growth really Assume You might get tall. I might get tall. You might get really tall. Um, I love that. And I love that. That is really truly, we were like, we're not health and wellness.
We're not trying to push this thing. Like we're just sober doing everything. Our lives are so messy. Yeah. Like Heather cries all day. So Heather still cries all day. Yeah. But in like a healthy way. Yeah. With Ariana Grande. I, um, but I think what we've learned is that is just literally what fucking happens when you [00:53:00] put care into yourself.
Yeah. Not drinking is like ultimate self-care. And for us, we had to, because we had to make a choice to stay alive. That's self-care. Mm-hmm. But everything that comes with sobriety, it's like. I'm noticing my sleep is better. I love to sleep. I love the time I have to do skincare. Oh, new skincare. Let's get that.
It's like all of these other things that give you like small levels of dopamine. Mm-hmm. And endorphins. And you're like, I like it. Mm-hmm. It's, it's kind of nice like that. Yeah. It just is moving into health and wellness and you just like wanna keep bettering yourself or doing shit like, I don't want to sun a cold plunge, but you forced me into that a few times and it's like, I think we should do good soon.
It's good. I think we gotta go to truck. I should know. I shouldn't have fucking brought it up. I think we gotta go to truck. I'm gonna ask them to heat up the water for me a little bit. He put some, because you put a hot water in there. Hot water in the cold punch. She says this is, this is what I have to deal with.
It's so painful. I know. It is painful. I [00:54:00] know, but I think, I think I was just like. The working out, the eating good, like that was just like the last part of my whole, like I wasn't, yeah, sure. I wasn't drinking for the past, like two years before this, but I wasn't really taking care of my body. Mm-hmm. And I think this year I really have been actively.
Trying to. Yeah. And it has paid off so much. Like my brain is so much more calm I think like mm-hmm. With consistently working out. I fucking like do dumb shit in the morning and I'm like, oh, that would've pissed me off if I didn't already work out what dumb shit. I fucking drop my makeup, all splashed all over the bathroom and like that will when I drop my coffee all over myself.
Like that shit happens on the weekly. But thank God I worked out earlier to that because then I was like, oh well I worked out so I guess I can do anything. Like fuck this coffee on myself, whatever. I was, I was drinking a glass of PO sport in my bed the other night, journaling and I spilt some and I was like, oh, you can't do that.
Yeah. You [00:55:00] cannot pseudo drink wine in here and spill it. Yeah. Like we're getting too close. Yeah. Not drinking non-alcoholic wine in your bed is too much. I just was trying to be romantic. Yeah. And journal and I was like, oh, this is so nice. And this is actually what I've always wanted to do is to be able to like sit and have a glass of wine and write, but.
I can't do that. I, I'm a spilly. I'm, I'm a C girl, Izy little lady. Yeah. But I was like, you know what, I'm gonna go downstairs. Yeah. But, um, yeah, it, it is, it is nice. I think like sobriety, anything you're doing like that it like, just ends up leading to a healthy lifestyle because why the fuck not? Yeah. And it's not super regimented.
Right. I think that is probably when we talk about transfer addiction mm-hmm. We talk about working out. Yeah. You're working out a lot now. But in the same way that I'm working out, it is for the first time for my mental health. Mm-hmm. And not the way my body looks aesthetically. Yeah. And honestly, I think going into 2026, I only wanna do more of that.
Yeah. It feels really good to do things to make yourself feel good. Yeah. And that is obvious, but to some, [00:56:00] to people like us. I think it's because we didn't think we deserved it. Or like we so weren't used to that. Right? Mm-hmm. Like I got sober and then I was like, oh, I'm not gonna work out every day. Yeah.
Like I used to never work out, so why would I do that every fucking day? Yeah. I still don't work out every day, but I work out like four to five times a day. Well, so that's week, that's what I was gonna say. Four to five times a day, if not five times a day. Four. And if it's three, I will hurt myself, but it is five.
Mostly it's five. I'll show you later. We'll do it live. Um, I, uh, she's back guys. That was a rough couple days. I was gonna say something. Oh, we talk all the time about transfer addiction. Yes. And I think that's the thing too, like getting into not being health and wellness. I think I personally for me was trying to stay away from my all or nothing mentality.
Yes. And I'm like, this isn't health and wellness. This is just honesty. Yeah. And now I'm in a place where like. I'm not so sick. Yeah. Where I can work out and it will not become my everything. Mm-hmm. I think you're in that too. 'cause [00:57:00] like watching you run it seems like a lot of joy. Yeah. Like, it's like, oh my God, I ran like this.
It wasn't like, and then tomorrow I'm gonna do that. You know? Well, you know what? I think it is like, I think I saw my boyfriend doing it. Mm-hmm. And I was like, the competitive, the competitiveness side, you're like, yeah, right bitch. Yeah. The competitiveness side of me was like, if he's running, I have to run.
Yeah. So not a health and wellness score. Not like, this isn't coming from like a deep sense of like I should get, but it's like he's running. If he's running faster, I need to fucking cry. I need him to know that I'm daddy. Yes. I guess like, I wanna bring this back into like of a control because I think that, like I do try to control situations when you're not feeling well.
I wanna like control you, you to make you feel better. Like, I think I really need to start relinquishing control a little bit better. That word Zoe, did I say that right? No, but it was a raw, it was it almost. Thank you. But I liked it. You used it well, thank you. Um, [00:58:00] like this is something that I always have to try to do, especially in the meetings because it's kind of like, let go, let God.
Yeah. Um, but it is really hard to do and that's something that I have to like, keep working on for the rest of my life. Um, so I think that is something I really start, really wanna start. Doing better. And I think that just comes with putting myself first in all these situations and not like putting other people before me.
Yeah. And like letting them figure it out. And I'll be there if they need me. Mm-hmm. Um, the behavior that I am Yeah. Bringing in. Yeah. And then we'll get to your thing. Okay. The behavior I'm bringing in is just more positivity, baby. Keeping it so positive and light. Yeah. You're so good at it. I love that.
That is what people say to me when they're like describing me and I just wanna like keep that going. I wanna just be like the ray of sunshine in every fucking situation. It's so nice. And it's also so [00:59:00] fucking funny. I asked your boyfriend the other day, I was like, were you so intimidated to meet Zoe because of her mean face?
And he's like, no. I'm like, oh. But I guess it's because I was intimidated by you in a way that he wouldn't be because you're so pretty and your face is so tight. And I was like, oh God. I think that maybe he. I'm just trying to think of why he wasn't intimidated by me. He said, I'm gonna, I'm gonna lock that crazy bitch down.
Yeah. I don't know why he wasn't, maybe it's because he didn't meet me in person. Like we were talking through pictures on Hinge, you know? Yeah. So he didn't talking through pictures. Yeah. He, he only seen pictures of me. He didn't know what I actually like, acted like in person and when I go on a first date, like I'm a fun fucking vibe.
Yeah. That is, yeah. I'm not like working at a, at my clinic and like I, I do like being a bitch to some of the people that walk in. I think if anyone has like concerns or questions or like needs a confidence booster about dating in general, not [01:00:00] even sober dating. Definitely sober dating, but dating in general.
DM Zoe, because yeah, you have a thing where it's like not an option for you to be like. Uncomfortable or awkward. Like you don't even have that. You just kinda like go into the situation and it's like pretty remarkable. I think it's probably because when I was, you're better than everybody else. Dating. I, yeah.
I knew that I was sober and I was better than everybody else and I being sober gave me such a confidence. I was like, and I think I missed being nervous. Like waking up nervous about what you did the next, the morning. Yeah. I probably missed that like stimuli feeling. Yeah. And that's what I would get when I go, when on first dates.
And I was like, oh, this is fun. And then like everything came out of me too because I was so nervous and then everything, all the poop all came out and I was like so skinny on the first dates. Okay. What's one behavior that you're leaving behind and taking? Okay, [01:01:00] it's all gonna have to do with my home and these are not gonna be goals.
These are really just gonna be energy. Mm-hmm. What I'm leaving behind the behavior. Is being a default, messy person. Mm-hmm. I think what I wanna put energy towards is a caring about where I live because I'm working on believing I deserve to like, have a roof over my head. And, um, yeah. I think I'm leaving behind the behavior that I don't deserve to live in this house, I think, or deserve to exist basically is what I, the goal is fucking taking a fucking breath and like putting shit away.
Yeah. I'm bad at organizing and I think like that you try to do everything too fast though. I do. And I, I need to, I mean, it's so weird 'cause it's like I'd have to like reorganize my whole life, but it is like little things. Yeah. It's like, what can I start with? Like that cutlery drawer? Yeah. Like just.
Keep it cutlery and [01:02:00] nothing else. Yeah. Like, don't let anything else go in there. And also, another thing that would be good would be don't let food rot in my fridge. Yeah. Is this something I'm not as embarrassed about as I fucking should be? But like I, I have a, I have an eating disorder like I do and like trigger warning, but it's not linked anymore to like self-worth.
Mm-hmm. Now it's just like I have disordered eating mm-hmm. And I'm not hungry or I am hungry, but I only want chocolate. Yeah. Um, and so I'll get inspired and I'll buy food and then it sits in my fridge and it all rots. Mm-hmm. Like rots. Yeah. In a way where you're like, didn't know the bananas pissed themselves when you leave them for too long.
But they do. Okay. Um, the depression and the A DH adhd, like that is the only thing that's controlling your eating right now, of being like not great is because Yeah. You're either depressed sometimes or your A DHD brain just like literally forgets to eat. Yeah. Yeah. I think that is what it is because it is not.
I'm not choosing when I'm hungry and when I'm not. Yeah. And sometimes I'm hungry and I'm annoyed. [01:03:00] Yeah. Like I, I get hungry and I'm like, Ooh, like I'm busy and I don't know what to eat. And I have literally zero interest in making anything. Yes. And do you think that you're annoyed that like you have to eat?
Yeah. Yeah. But not in a way that I'm like, I'm gonna get fat. Yeah. In a way that's like another thing I have to do. Yeah. Yeah. Like if I could just take a pill and then lunch. Yeah. Great. I would love that. Do you get, but you still get anxiety over like eating in front of people? Um, new people. Yeah. Yeah. And this is, I think the behavior I'm bringing into 2026 is like, yeah, I guess it's the food and the, the letting.
Okay. So the person I'm dating right now has been really like, helpful in this, a little pushy. But that's okay. 'cause I need it sometimes. Yeah. And I feel like he's riding that line pretty well of like, what's too much. Mm-hmm. And like when Heather starts to cry, we have to stop talking about her refrigerator.
Yeah. But um, he, like, we went grocery shopping and he was like, okay, so if I was gonna [01:04:00] come over and make food, this is what I would make. Mm-hmm. It was like a salmon thing and then like pasta and a salad. And he's like, so we're gonna get all of those things so that when I come over I can make them and leave them here.
And I think that's like my first step Yeah. Is just like having food that is edible in the house, letting someone do that for me. And also just accepting that like, this is a hard part of my life. Yeah. Food, you know, it's not the worst thing in the world, but it is something I need. I think you were being defensive of like, oh, I don't have an eating disorder.
I don't have an eating disorder anymore. I think you'll always have an eating disorder. No. Like, I don't know, because it's so different. Yeah. It used to be all about my gaining weight. Yeah. And it was so linked to my self-worth. Mm-hmm. Now I kind of feel so dissociated from food. Like, I feel so distant.
Like, it, it, it's like my body doesn't even know it needs it. Mm-hmm. And then I'll get hungry and then I'll get like a surge of adrenaline probably. 'cause I have DH adhd and I'm hungry, and then I'm good. [01:05:00] Mm-hmm. And then I'm in my bed and I'm like, I'm gonna order Ferre Roches. Yeah. And eat them in my bed.
Mm-hmm. So I think it's like what you said before, like calming down breathing. Mm-hmm. Right now the way I'm feeling about it is like, it's not something psychologically damaging. I think that like, I am so happy that you have a guy in your life that really cares about you in every spa, every aspect of the way of like wanting you to feel like you know yourself.
Is one part and then like wanting you to eat food. Yeah. You know, and I think a big thing is what you need is someone to like remind you to eat because like I do that, like I remind you to eat and I think it's helpful to have your person to remind you to eat as well and just like put food in front of you.
Yeah. I think that, I'm sure your man does this of like checks in on you throughout the day and asks if you eat. Yeah. [01:06:00] You know? And I think that's just what you need. Yeah. And you can tell him that you need that and you can tell me that you need that. Yeah. Because I think it goes back to like, you can ask people for help.
Yeah. And I don't think you do that a lot. I just kind of made that realization last night. No, I don don't Like you don't, don't. But I also, I don't do it 'cause I think I can do everything on my own. That's probably part of it. Yeah. But I also don't do it because I don't know how. Yeah. My brain feels like asking for help.
I have to explain the entire situation. You can just say, yo, I need help with this. It it, but it doesn't. I know that. Yeah. It doesn't make sense in my brain. Mm-hmm. Because before I ask the question, is it because it makes you feel weak? I think it just makes me f Yeah. Yeah. I think it makes me feel incapable.
Then I think that asking for help is actually like one of the strongest things you can do. Yeah. I, yeah. I dunno how to do that. Yeah. But I also think like too, like Anne talking about coming in here and she is gonna do this and like go through step by step this whole process so that we can write it down.
I'm like, [01:07:00] the thought of that, I'm like, fuck, you're gonna come into my house and the first thing I do, you're gonna be like, okay, so why did you do that? Mm-hmm. Not that she's a fucking bitch. Yeah. She's so nice and helpful, but like, I don't want to every step of the way be told what I've done wrong, even though it's, it's gonna be so helpful and it's kind.
Yeah. And it's not like you are wrong. You are bad. Yeah. It's like, you've never done this before. Let me help you. Yes. But in my brain, it just feels like, like when my boyfriend opened my fridge and is like going through it, I'm like, okay, so I'm gonna let you do this. Mm. But now you're gonna see everything.
Yeah. And when you see everything, you're gonna leave. But he didn't leave. And like, when Aaron comes in, he's not, she's not gonna leave. When you ask me for help, I'm not gonna leave. You know, like, I think this, you, him still being here after he saw you, the insides of your fridge is just, you gotta like, remember.
Okay. He didn't leave. I can like, ask people for help, you know? Yeah. Like it's, people aren't just gonna leave you anymore, babe. I, I know like, [01:08:00] you are a good person. Maybe I need to like start small and ask for like, tiny favors that mean nothing. Like, can you text me this? Yes. Or can you get that quickly? I think we all, everyone in your life wants to just like, make sure you're okay at all times.
And like everyone in my life wants to make sure that I'm okay too. Yeah. And like, it's so. It's nice to be able to like, lean on your friends for help. Yeah. I think it's hard to ask for things and not feel like a burden when you've been a burden forever. It's like, you've helped me with so much stuff. I have a purpose because of you now.
You know, like I, you can tell me whatever you need help with, and I'll always be there for you no matter what. Okay. I appreciate that. Yeah. I love you. I could cry. I know, I've, I've been crying for so many days that I'm just like, oh my God, I'm exhausted. Yeah. But no, it is, um, it's, it's surprising to me that that is where my not fault, but where my difficulty lies.
Mm-hmm. Because like, I'm [01:09:00] so open. And I was saying this to Leah at the park the other day. I'm like, I tell with my fridge, with my things, with all night, with my room, all that shit. Yeah. I tell people what I'm okay with them knowing. Yeah, I'm an addict. I fucked a bunch of people. I'm gross. I did this, I did that.
I went to rehab. It's so sensational. But those are the things that I'm offering so that you don't actually have to go looking. 'cause if I don't offer anything, you're gonna go looking and I don't trust what you're gonna find. Yeah. But if I offer all this bullshit up front, then it keeps you over there.
Yeah. So I think that we're close. 'cause I'm being vulnerable with you, but it's such an agenda. Yeah. Like it's so you're still, I'm protect trying to manipulate the situation. Protecting, yeah. Yeah. 'cause I'm protecting what the actual truth about me is. And the actual truth about me is that like I'm very messy.
I'm very disorganized, I'm depressed. I don't think I'm good enough. Yeah. I like feel like if I fall in love with you, you're gonna leave and it's all going back to like. You think, oh, I am sober [01:10:00] now. I should be perfect still. Yeah. I think a little bit like, and I'm embarrassed, I think I that before too.
Yeah. And I'm embarrassed that I'm still not perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, God, you are not even three years sober yet. Like you literally are two years old. I know. So I think giving yourself a little bit more grace and compassion. Mm-hmm. And like so many people texted me saying that they wanna help you organize your house.
Oh, I know. McKinley, I'm gonna text you. So accept that. Help babe. Yeah. Accept the help when your boyfriend wants to cook for you and forces food down your throat. Yeah. It's hot. Oh, choker with the food. Um, and like yeah, just like when we all are asking like what support you need Yeah. For the pod. We're all just trying to help.
Yeah. Yeah. It's just like often that question comes and I'm like. Oh, I'm so deep in right now that I don't, I'm too delusional to even, and maybe that's what I need to say. It's like I can't ask for help 'cause I dunno what I need. Yeah. Give me [01:11:00] a day and I'll ask. Yeah. Maybe. 'cause yeah, it's so like, and if I don't have something to ask, I'm like, I'm stupid.
Very stressful. Yeah. But yeah, I think, um, I think that was like, that's been like the biggest thing at the end of the year. Mm-hmm. This is the most important question going into 2026. Yeah. Is there a sex position or sex activity you're bringing and leaving? Um, I'm definitely bringing more butt plugs and sex toys.
I knew you were gonna say anal. Um, you didn't say anal. Not anal, but like just toys in general. Yeah. Fun. Like I want to be tied up more. Anyways. I think that, I think what I'm leaving is all sex is so good. I don't wanna leave anything about the sex. Is there anything you wanna leave about the sex? Oh my God.
I would love to leave nausea. Yeah. That's getting better. Yeah. Um, you feel safer? Yeah. I think, yeah, I think leave. I would like to, I mean, if I could, I would love to leave that [01:12:00] fucking trauma in the past. Yeah. And just like have sex with the person that I'm super into and not get nauseous. But it is getting better and I will, I think that what I wanna bring is continuing to feel sexy.
Mm-hmm. When I'm having sex and just like, yeah. Bring more of like a sexual vibe. So this is the dilemma that I have because I would love to have a mirror in my bedroom. Yay. To watch myself have sex because like it is so hot to watch myself. Fuck. Mm-hmm. I do look hot. I do love my body. Mm-hmm. My boyfriend looks great back there.
Great job. Go team. Good job. Look at you. You're so cute. I often look at him and I'm like, wow. I know. Good job. Yeah. Um, but I've heard that it's not like there's superstitions around having a mirror in the bedroom with that. I wonder that would be, I wonder if that would be good or bad for my dissociation.
It might be good. It might be good to like be like, oh, this is me having sex right now. Yeah. [01:13:00] Not the other way around. Right. I wonder what's the superstitions that it's gonna steal your soul? I think my friend Q told me that it might be a part of Chinese culture. She's a very, tell me spooky in the comments if I'm allowed to have a mirror in my fucking bedroom or if I'm gonna die after that.
I am a superstitious person. I think I'm a little stitious. I think. Yeah. I um, okay. Well we can see. I think it would be good. Is there room it for your mirror? For a mirror? Yeah. Oh, there is. I can put a mirror on my closet doors. Let's just do more sex. Yeah, let's do more sex this year. Um, is there anything I'm, did I say I'm leaving the nausea?
Yeah. There's no sex. I don't know that I'm like leaving anything. Like I feel like I keep talking about wanting to do anal and like, I don't really like, love it that much. Oh, oh. I know exactly what I wanna do in 2026. You wanna peg him? I wanna, I want a peg and she's going to peg any day. Pegasus. Pega.
She's a peg. I want a peg. You will. I think that would be [01:14:00] so hot. I know I have this, what if like they're on top? Like if I'm wearing it and I'm lying down in there on top, I feel like that's so hot. I know. I'm really scared that I'm gonna get Ed out if I like do something like that. Have you ever gotten the ick from him for anything?
Good question because like recently, like since you've actually been in a relationship, like maybe not, there's like sometimes where he laughs and I'm like, that was a weird laugh. Okay. Okay. Well you know what, we have to change that laugh. Okay. That's horrible. Your laugh is disgusting. No, I'm just kidding.
Do you wanna keep change laugh? I think it's when he laughs when he's trying to like when he's laughing, when he doesn't mean it. You know what I mean? I have a friend who does that and it drives me nuts and it's like, you don't need to pretend laugh to like cool, look cool babe. Like just don't laugh. We are cool babe.
I think you guys both do like a similar thing. Like you guys act too much when you're, try when you're nervous. We have severe debilitating depression and we are just trying to make it through the goddamn day with a fake laugh if it's necessary. Okay, [01:15:00] honey, you keep laughing away. You keep doing that weird little icky laugh.
I'm sorry, but I think if like you're not ed out by like your boyfriend sexually, it might feel like really good romantic and vulnerable to put your dick in their ass. I. I will be more experimental with like that sort of play this year for sure. Because like, I mean, look at me forcing you to peg. We're all, we're gonna be like a year into relationship.
I bet the sex is going to be a little stag and then I'm gonna have to peg him. We should get matching gu strap ons. Oh my God. Can one sex company like come, if that come to us? Our first piece of merchandise would hilarious. Just a fucking purple strap-on would be H Stare. I love it. Okay, one last quest.
Okay, now this is the ultimate question. We're going into 2026. What is the vibe for all of them out [01:16:00] there? All of our, Hey, you know what the vibe is. Yell it at me, honey. The vibe is fucking being yourself, un being, being unapologetically yourself. I like it is the vibe. I like it. I don't care if you're.
Sober or not. Like be unapologetic. Be unapologetically yourself. Yeah. Really reflect on yourself and be like, oh, is this who I wanna be? Mm-hmm. And if that is who you wanna be, go off Queen. If it really isn't, can we do some inner reflection to get to where you wanna be? No. I feel like that came right from your soul and your toes and whatever demon is living inside you.
And that felt really, I think that's actually genuinely how you feel about the girlies. Yeah. I just want, 'cause I love how people are so themselves like you are so your fucking self. And I think that's why I love you so much. And I think I need more of that. I hate everyone acting the same on fucking Instagram.
Yeah. It's really fucking annoying to me. Sure. So [01:17:00] be who you were born to be and I swear to God, I wouldn't be able to be who I am if I was drinking all the fucking time. I'm so happy I can be myself because I'm sober and. Yeah. If you feel stuck and you don't know who you are, look at your habits. Yeah.
And do some inner work in changing and it's not easy, but like you can fucking do it. Yeah. Yeah. New year, new you bitch. Interrupt the system or the loop will continue. It's so true. Yeah. I um, what do you think the vibe is? I think the vibe, do you remember in the spring or was this, I think it was the spring and you said to me, you're like, no, the girls are blooming.
That's what Alexia said. Okay. Alexia said Alexia was obsessed with saying it's a spring where in Bloom the girlies are blooming. It felt very true. Yeah. Like, like my Pilates instructor, Emma, like we started, like, I started this project. She started her studio at the same time you were [01:18:00] coming in here. Like it just felt very.
We were all in motion. We were. And I feel like the new year, we need something like that. Like, not the girls are blooming, but like the women are thriving or something. Yeah. Or the women are working. Yeah. Something like that. You know, we are, we are ever changing, growing. We are evolving. We're evolving. The women are in, we're in our metamorphosis.
We're evolving. We're evolving. Like, I, I like that. I think that sometimes we can be like stagnant in our lives. Yeah. And that is when it becomes dangerous as a sober person, as any sort of person. Like you need to always be like looking for something new, whether it's like a new book, a new activity. Yeah.
A new hobby. Like you need to keep it going. Mm-hmm. And yeah, I don't think you need to have a fucking whole set of goals for January. Pick one thing you wanna work on, internalize it and yeah. Then like the next thing will come. [01:19:00] Um, that's a good idea. Like, pick one thing. Maybe it's your drawers. Yeah. Maybe you clean your drawers.
Maybe you focus and your, the rest of your house sucks, but your drawers are nice. Like, maybe it's that. Yep. Maybe it's like last thing thing. My thing, my one thing is definitely cooking. I'm 27 years old. I don't know how to cook a meal. It's the city. It's the city. We live in the city. It's so fast. We don't need to cook.
We don't have time in your brain to cook when nothing like, like it's so embarrassing that my brother had to ask me to bring garlic bread to Christmas because he knows I can't cook anything. Yeah. Like, you've been busy. I think the, the, the women are evolving. I like it. Yeah. The girls are, the girls are the women.
I guess the women, the women, the women are evolving. I think we're evolving. I, uh, yeah, I think to that like. Staying in one place, things getting crunchy. Like me with this pod and like sitting in here and crying. Yes, I have depression, I have a chemical and bowel. But it's also like, okay, what was I doing that drove me into that depression?
Mm-hmm. And [01:20:00] how do I move forward and try to not do that? It's giving you yourself some more time. Yeah. Like it's giving yourself like, at the end of every day I journal for five minutes, or like when I'm washing my face, I, I'm really thinking about what I did today and like how I wanna improve my life.
Yeah. Like I think I try to do that whenever I'm washing my face is do some, like reflecting. Whenever I'm doing a workout class, I try to think of what I'm doing for like the next 24 hours or whatever. Yeah. I think. Life got a little bit too fast probably for you. Yeah. And you just like didn't do the things.
Yeah. And it is so important to keep doing the things. It's so important. I know. Um, I think that, I think everyone like has, like you. I'm sure you're gonna have a depression again. Yeah. And it's not gonna be like the end of the world because this one wasn't the end of the world for you either. You know?
And it was good too, because we can like have this conversation even though it's like, oh my God, it's so exhausting. Oh my God. Were you depressed for the content? Huh? No. You said yeah. Yeah. I'm depressed for the con. I'm actually fine. And I've never been an alcoholic, actually. [01:21:00] I'm actually pretty fucking regulated.
I can like drink like a normal person. What are we talking about? Oh my God. I just love to have one glass of wine and then go to bed. Um, which that's another thing too, I wanna say to round that out. Yeah. I say all the time. If I could I would. Yeah. Drinking. I would love to just go have a glass of wine with my girls and drink.
I would love to have a glass of wine in bed. Yeah. I don't actually believe that anymore at all. And I realized that yesterday or the other day, I was, I think I said this to Arian too. I was like, that's just not fucking true. Yeah. So like all of these like personal rhetorics I have about myself that are just not true.
Yeah. Like you tell me all the time, I say I'm a liar. You're like, you're not. Yeah. Like you used to be. I'm a piece of shit. You're not. What was the thing I just said? Oh, I wanna drink. Yeah. It's like, no, you actually don't. Because I was sitting up here fully crying and I was like, oh, the last thing, not the last thing.
Yeah. But I do not wanna drink right now. That's not even where my brain is going. And I think that really changed for you this year, like, I think so before this [01:22:00] year, like probably March, you know? Yeah. Like, yeah. When we started this pod, I think really things improved in your sobriety overall. Yeah. Like you really weren't as like vulner, like mm-hmm.
As triggered to drink. No. And I think. The past year, you definitely like were more scared that you were gonna drink and now it's not even on your mind. Mm-hmm. When you get into these dark situations. Yeah. And I think that's like such a big accomplishment. It is. Yeah. So I think it is good. It's like these deep depressions suck, but I'm like growth so babe didn't drink.
Yeah. Didn't want to. Yeah. And I really appreciate you and I love you so much and fucking thank you for being patient with me. 'cause that shit fucking sucks. Yeah, I know. And it's so hard because it's delusional and I don't know if you're mad at me and I don't know, I think I'm mad at depression when I get Me too.
I'm probably mad at something. Yeah. You know, I'm not. No. And I don't, you're not, you're not doing anything that shows me you're mad. But my brain goes to [01:23:00] everybody. Yeah. I'm never even in close contact with dj and I'm like, he's mad at me, he's at me. He's, and like he's not, he's never been mad at anyone in his life.
He's so nice. Hi dj. And, but I, um. I appreciate you and I appreciate Anne and everybody on the bomb board because I, at the end of the day, like I'm an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic. I have depression, I have shit that I'm dealing with, and just because I'm sober, it's not all better. Yeah. And the way I react to things is not always gonna be perfect because I'm fucking depressed.
Mm-hmm. And it's hard as hell to crawl outta that hole. Mm-hmm. But like everyone around has just been really patient and also learning. Mm-hmm. Because it's hard Yeah. When you're in it. But, um, I appreciate everyone and I really love that like, ending this year. It's so hard to be like, oh, like I was overwhelmed.
Mm-hmm. But. [01:24:00] We are overwhelmed by the best fucking shit. And it's only because, I think you said this, it's like, only because we care so much. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't wanna lose it. I don't wanna lose you. I don't wanna lose my fucking mind. Yeah. Like, and I just am really proud and happy and grateful and like, um, also, I'm sorry.
No, like also that you have nothing to be sorry about. Like I understand that like, it is just super frustrating because I wanna help so bad, but I know I can't. And it's the same thing as like when I look at friends who are fucking still drinking. Yeah. You know, and I did have to like. Talk to myself about that and be like, okay, it's fine.
Like yeah, you're like, if I don't hear from her in two days, I'll break down the door. Exactly. But no. And I was going to do that. Yeah, I know. But I am really happy that you even came out last night. Mm-hmm. 'cause I know that was a struggle. Yeah. But it was helpful though. It was helpful. And you felt better after, like who knew?
Arts and crafts can make you fucking feel better. Oh my God. Even when you're, they're right so bad at them. The world is right. Oh my God. The world is right. And also [01:25:00] Carly, and how you can't be enough. How can you be depressed now, Carly? No, you can't. That's the nicest person. Literally. What is the point without you?
And like, holy shit, next year's gonna be so good. Oh my God. Yeah. This is like our episode before 2026. So the next time we see you, it's gonna be 2026. That's tomorrow. That's insane. My God. I love you guys. I hope everyone stays safe on the new year. Yeah, on New Year's Eve because. What even is New Year's Eve.
It's such a wild concept in my brain. Yeah. But just like try to have fun and like fun to me. Isn't getting blackout drunk? No. And don't kiss any frogs. No. It's not worth it. Um, thank you guys so much for spending 2025 with us. That is beyond I think, what we ever could have imagined. Yeah. And, um, we're so happy that you're here and we're so happy that you are in whatever stage of recovery or not in recovery that you're in.
And um, yeah, we will see you in 2026. Woo. Proud of you. I'm proud of you. Proud of you. Proud of you. I love you. Bye. [01:26:00] We love you.
Thanks for listening to Girl Undrunk. You can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Girl Undrunk podcast. And or send me an email at heather@girlundrunk.com. Oh, oh my God. This is our therapy. Oh my God. I got to healthy pee. We'll never have to do therapy together 'cause like we just do this. I know. Oh my God.
My toes.
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