#39: Tis The Season
Join Heather and Zoe for a special Christmas episode of Girl, UnDrunk as they explore sobriety during the holidays, navigating family dynamics, and the emotional weight that can come with festive gatherings. They reflect on sober firsts, past drinking habits, and personal growth — from sneaking wine in the bathtub to learning how to get the Christmas willies out in the open. The conversation weaves through mental health, setting boundaries with alcoholic friends, answering listener questions, and why getting sober (or sober-curious) often starts during this reflective time of year. Honest, funny, and grounding, this episode offers reassurance for anyone trying to enjoy an alcohol-free or alcohol-light holiday season.
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Tis The Season Transcript
[00:00:00] This podcast covers sensitive topics that may be difficult for some listeners. Please take care while listening. Oh, fall on Your Knees. Is that a Christmas song? Oh, and he The Angel's Voice.
Welcome back to Girl Undrunk. I'm Heather. I'm Zoe. And today is our Christmas episode. Merry Christmas to y. Stop about this again. I went to a Christmas caroling party last night. That's why you're in the caroling spirit. I'm the caroling spirit. I forgot about that part. It [00:01:00] was that part. Okay. Caroling is like so fun.
'cause I love Christmas. Mm-hmm. Um, but I mean, I don't actually like caroling. Like I don't wanna like go door to door. That's insane. But this person had a piano and they're musical friends and then so everyone just got a booklet and me all sing together. Sounds like you really fit in there at first.
That's like your type of place. I mean, that's your type of party. I did love it. Yeah. It's like, it's fun. If I had, if my friends were there, it would've been like really fun. Mm-hmm. But I was like, it took me a second to get into it, but then I'm like, I love Christmas. Mm-hmm. Christmas carols are so Catholic.
I mean, you like learn the full story of the baby Jesus being born. I don't think I've ever sang a Christmas carol in my life. What do you mean? Okay. What about deck? The halls we bows if you sang that. Yeah, but like, not like. With people. Oh, that's, listen, listening to it on like the radio station. Yeah.
I've never like broke out in song with a group of people. It's ridiculous. It's, but it's so cute. It's so cute. Crazy. It's like, um, sometimes I think humans, I mean, I think humans, yeah. But I think [00:02:00] they're so cute too. The cutest things we do is like sing together. Yeah. And then like fall in love. Yeah. It's adorable that we fall in love.
I, yeah. I just have never been like a musically inclined person, I guess. But like, your man is musical. You are musical. I'm musical. So it really like, makes sense. Yeah. I'm really happy that you had a fun night. Yeah, it was nice. Were you nervous? Yeah, I think like was everyone drinking? Yeah. Yeah. And like the person that I was with, like was drinking a little bit.
Yeah. And it was fine. Yeah. He like asked me too, he's like, can I, can I have a beer? Yeah. And I said, yeah, of course. And he like brought his own. Ask your sober friends if you can drink. Yeah. Just acknowledge that. It's weird. Please. Yeah, it was nice 'cause I was like, okay, we're gonna a party. He might drink like a few beers and I'll see like how it goes.
And then it was fine. And when we got home he's like, do I seem drunk? Mm-hmm. And I was like, no. No. But also like drunk to me is a very different thing than drunk to you. And that's exactly right. Like when I went out with my friends for the first few times, I'd be like, oh no one's getting drunk. Yeah. But then they're all like, I was so drunk last night.
I'm like, oh you [00:03:00] were? Yeah. Like I didn't even notice because my level of drunk has passed it on the street. And their level of drunk Yeah. Is like. Not remembering a couple things. Right? Like your end of the night is my arriving to the party. Yes. Like I'm that drunk. Yeah. But it was nice. And I didn't for one second, like I brought my pore sport wine.
Oh, cute. And I, yeah. And I like poured myself a little plastic cup of that like right away. Like I got there and I could feel myself like itching to be like, okay, get something in your hand. Yeah. Um. 'cause I didn't know anybody there, which is like fine. But as a sober person, it is like, it's not just like talking to people, you know?
Yeah. It's like a, it's a lot. And you're like, okay, now I have to work. Yeah. But it was good. It was fun. I kind of like let him take the lead. I wasn't super like social 'cause I'm like, I don't really need to be. And it was Did you tell anybody about the pod? Yeah, actually there was a group of like men standing around and I was just there like that.
And um, they were like talking about podcasts. Oh, I listen to this great podcast called Something, something, something and podcast. Podcast, podcast. Yeah. And then someone was like, oh yeah, I don't really listen to podcasts. I don't [00:04:00] really like podcasts. I've never listened to a podcast in my life. And then this guy looked at me and he goes, what do you do?
And I go, I have a podcast. Like, is this such perfect timing? Yeah. I love that low key. I was like, you could listen to my podcast. I like bringing up the podcast now when I'm out. So fun. Like it's becoming more like normal for me to bring it up. Yeah. And I love when people are like interested, even if they are drinking, it's like, oh yeah, cool to talk about sobriety.
Yeah. And like relationships with alcohol. Um. Yeah, I was at my meeting last night and there was one guy that I told him to listen to the podcast and I was like, okay, have you listened? And he was like, no, I haven't. I'm like, okay, I still like you. It's okay. Sit down and listen to the pod. Yeah. God, I love a pod, but I guess if you're not a pod person, he said he's not a pod person.
It's hard for the non pods to get in. Yeah. But once you're in, you're in. Exactly. You gotta go back to like 2017 for he's 15. When cereal came out and start again. You were just a young lass at that time. You would've known. I was like just starting my addiction at that time. Oh God. Yeah. I was running through Upper East Side, not eating just like in the dead of the [00:05:00] summer.
Just trying to be, yeah, water, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Um. It is Christmas time. I'm so thrilled. Look at all of our, it's like our Christmas array. Um, it is the Christmas episode. Yay. It's Do you like our pajamas? Do we look so cute? Yeah. Thanks. Roots for our pajamas. These are so cute. They're really comfortable too.
They're so soft. They are so soft. And I never wear pajamas and I never go to Roots anymore 'cause I just don't go down there. No. And Roots is actually really cool. They have lots of cool stuff now. Oh yeah, I know. It is really cool. Did you go in or did you buy them online? Online. Online. Yeah. I just, where's the roots?
That's not at the Eaton Center. I was gonna say it's at the Eaton Center. There's gotta be another one that's not Yeah. There's gotta be like Queen West somewhere, right? Yeah. Did you listen to the episode of Armchair Expert? It was out recently. And like he was talking about like why we like morbid curiosity.
Yeah. Why we like scary stuff. Yeah. Did you like relate to that? Did you like that episode? Yeah. I love it so much. It's really clear to me. Yeah. Why I like all that morbid shit. Yeah. Like [00:06:00] I always have and like growing up, I'm. It's, it's so that we know, and they said something in that it's like women, especially like true crime because we're trying to figure out like, like the insides of these people's brains.
Or like, if you get murdered, I'm trying to figure out what you did wrong. And not that it's your fault, but to like not get myself in that situation. Yes. And I think it's like the same way I was obsessed with the Holocaust when I was a kid. Yeah. I was like trying to understand in a deep way, like how this is even possible.
Mm-hmm. And it's 'cause my brain doesn't work in an evil way. It's a rat, but it's not evil. Why? Why are these people thinking in this way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it usually comes back, but we will never really understand, I don't think. No. And what were, I like that they were saying on armchair expert too, they're like, men kill and women steal.
Yeah. And like that's the like. The dichotomy. Mm-hmm. I'm like, yeah, ours is way better. Going back to the Christmas pajamas. Yes. Um, my mom gets us Christmas pajamas every [00:07:00] year for Christmas. Mm-hmm. Sometimes they're like really tacky and really, really stupid. Yeah. Um, like once she got us a full like Santa outfit, like it had like the bells and everything.
Oh no. Like never gonna wear this again. Thanks mom. Oh God. But the ones she got us this year were actually cute. They were from the gap. But these ones are cute too, because they're not like too outrageous and like stupid. You know? I don't like a Christmas pajama that's like too crazy. No, this is Lowkey Christmas.
Yeah. Christmas. I like a Lowkey Christmas. Cool. Christmas, sober Christmas. Oh my God. I just got like a stabbing pain. But, um, my mom got us pajamas this year. We did the Christmas early. Mm-hmm. And my boyfriend got a pair of pajamas too. Cute. I know. He's like part of the fam. Oh, I like that. Isn't that sweet?
Have you brought a boy to Christmas before? Yes. You have. I don't need to. Yeah. I don't, I just, I don't know. I've never, I feel like if you do something with your dad in the city, like you'll do, you'll bring your [00:08:00] boy for Christmas. Yeah. No, no. I don't want to like introduce my dad or my mom to like someone I'm fucking, I think you're gonna change your mind real.
That and on Christmas. Yeah. But Christmas is also like, my family isn't like, we're not really that sentimental. Yeah. We also don't have a big family. Yeah. So it would literally just be like, me, my sister, my dad, and my boyfriend. And your boyfriend. So I'm not doing that. But Christmas is gonna be interesting.
This year I'm not. Yeah. Where are you gonna go to Christmas? This is like a week before Christmas, by the way guys. Oh yeah. We're, this is December 14th. December 14th. Um, I, um. I'm gonna go to Ottawa to see my mom. Yeah. My mom texted me and my sister a few days ago and was like, Hey girls, like I know that this Christmas is a little weird, but I just kinda wanted to know your plans.
You know, you're always welcome here. And I texted her back and I was like, of course we're coming, mother. I know. I was like, mom, we're obviously coming to Christmas. You absolute lunatic. What are we talking about? And also, Christmas isn't weird. Christmas is so much better this year than it was the past two years.
[00:09:00] 'cause there's 10 right now. There's a tench. At least now everyone knows what's got. Yeah. Do you wanna talk about that? No. Okay. But now we're just having two separate Christmases for the first time. Yeah. And I honestly, I will say like as an adult, having things happen like that in your life and then things.
Yeah. You know, your parents just doing different things. It's very strange. Yeah. And it's not a sadness this whole year, especially at the beginning of the year. Yeah. Like last Christmas, I was very upset and I was very much like everyone has to be okay. Yeah. Or I'm not. Okay. Well and you were like helping your parents be okay too.
Like you were being like a parent to your parents. Yeah. Which is stressful. It is stressful. And I just, like, I, we had dinner all together once, like our last dinner together. Everyone at the table, I was like, hi. So this is crazy. Yeah. Is anybody gonna kill themselves? Yeah. Like, I don't know what's going on.
Yeah. You just have to make sure that everybody's okay and like, that that is like a sober person's job, like being sober. Like you read the room so much more and like you have to make sure that everyone is [00:10:00] okay. Yeah. Um, it just like, feels like that. And I know it's like not my thing to take on and it's whatever, but it's like, it also my family and I love them.
And like dating, I was talking to my therapist about that too at the beginning of the year with dating and I'm like, I just don't feel like. I can date and be happy if like, my family isn't, like, if my sister's single or if my parents aren't good. Like I just, I feel, I don't know. Crazy. You gotta put yourself first though, too.
Like I know, but it's like an internal thing. Yeah. Where I'm like, wait, I'm the one that's the fuck up. Like, am I allowed to go, go now and be happy? Mm-hmm. It feels very strange, but now I'm like, no, I'm allowed. Yeah. I feel everyone's better. Everyone's doing well and I'm excited. And then I'm gonna come back to the city.
I think we're gonna do Christmas with my dad first, actually in the city. So are you done with Christmas now? So, yeah, we did an early Christmas last week because my brother is going to Japan in a Australia for a month. Like in Japan now. He's in Japan right now. Wow. Which is so cool. Um, why are they doing, why did he book that in the middle of Christmas?
I think it might [00:11:00] be just like a better time of year to go for his work and his girlfriend's work. And like it's summer in Australia, so Oh, it's like hot, hot, hot, hot there. That's nice. And uh, they just went to Japan first because like on the way Split the travel up. Yeah. And. Cool. Because they're going to one of the same bars that my granddad used to go to a lot when he worked in Japan.
And I guess they like have people's pictures. Oh, that's framed on the wall of this bar. Because sometimes, like my granddad bought every look at this white man, my granddad bought everyone's drink at the bar as you should. And then they put your face on the wall if you like. Buy everyone's drink at the bar.
We have got to get our face on a wall. I know, but my granddad said he did it when like the bar was really like empty so he didn't have to like spend that much money. Um, which is funny. So they're gonna try to go to that bar. Cute. Which is adorable. It's fun. Have you been to Japan? Yeah. No, but I would love to go.
I think I wanna go and I wanna make it. I wanna, I [00:12:00] would also wanna do chorea. Yeah. Skincare. Skincare obviously. Like do all the treatments. Yeah. Yeah. Just come back fully collagen, plumped. Yeah. Like a baby. Yeah. Yeah. I would hope to come back as a baby. I'm gonna say, what are your secrets? Sos? Yeah. So I am gonna spend Christmas with my boyfriend for the majority since I did my.
Family Christmas already early. Yeah. Are you gonna his Christmas, do they do? Yeah. So his parents are divorced, so there's so many Christmases to go to. It's insane. So we're gonna do all of that. And then I'll have like one Christmas dinner with my parents. Mm-hmm. Potentially my grandparents, but it's majority gonna be just me going to his family's Christmases, which is kind of nice.
'cause I can just like relax, you know? Yeah. But you're the guest. I'm the guest. Yeah. I know. Christmas is so stressful. I, uh, I know I have a few friends who fucking hate Christmas. Yeah. Which, and it's always because of family. Yeah. I was thinking about that last night. I'm like, I love Christmas so much. And it's kind of, sometimes I feel the same way about sobriety, where I'm like, I'm sober, sober, sober, sober.
Mm-hmm. And then like some people [00:13:00] are really struggling. Yeah. And some people hate Christmas and I'm like, I'm sorry. I know. I don't know if I love Christmas or not. Like it's just like I'm more excited for to be done. Mm-hmm. To be honest, because it is so stressful. But this year, since I am doing it with my boyfriend and his family, yeah.
I feel like there's gonna be a little bit less stress. Yeah. And I'm just gonna get to kind of hang out. Mm-hmm. Um, his family doesn't really drink all that crazing. Right. Crazily, crazily crazy. I can't say anything. Ugh. It's fine. Um, so I think that's like another thing that's kind of like. I don't need to be worried about.
Yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, um, Christmas used to be like, I used to be like, oh, I'm so excited for Christmas. 'cause I'd get so fucked up and like, yeah. It was so easy to just go to my parents' house and then like sit on the couch all weekend and watch tv. I think that's why I liked it too. Like, there was probably a few years of my life where I was excited for Christmas because yes, I could drink with my family.
Mm-hmm. I could have so much fun. And then quickly they, Christmas just looked like my [00:14:00] family, looking at how much I was drinking consistently, like watching how many drinks I was having. Hate, hate. And then like telling me like, you can't drink that fast. Like you can't have another drink. You can't do this, you can't do that.
Hate that. And then the next year I would just have a fucking mickey in my bag. So they didn't know how much I was drinking. Oh my God. I know. Showing up with like my duffle bag with like clink cl, cl cl. I'm like, no, I know. Because my mom eventually, like in my last year of drinking, there was like maybe three times.
Mm-hmm. Where she would make like a side comment about like, there's no wine left for dinner. Yeah. 'cause you just drank four bottles of wine. Yeah. And then she would get like annoyed. Yeah. But then not wanna say anything. 'cause she doesn't want me to like scream in her face. Yeah. But I would be like, oh shit.
Okay. I'm making this so obvious. Yeah. So I'm gonna drink my own wine in the bathtub downstairs. You guys call me for dinner. Mm-hmm. Just, and then the wine cellar was downstairs sneak down there. So would you open like the expensive wines that they had down there? No, I would just try to open whatever they had.
Like usually they would have like a row of rose. Mm-hmm. And like Rose is like the last thing they would drink. Yeah. So I would like just try to take one of those. Yeah. [00:15:00] But they were so finicky. Yeah. And when you're drunk and you're trying to be quiet. Yeah. It's like, and so, and you're shaking. Yeah. Yeah.
And things would be like unk and I'm like, oh what my God. Just threw it together. But no, I would steal a lot. Like we used to say my aunt and uncle's for Christmas. Eve and they had all their booze downstairs. I have stolen so much of their booze. Oh so much. I've stolen so much of my grandparents' booze.
Like it's just chaotic. I think So chaotic. There was one Christmas where I literally like ran away from the house and they had to like find me. And were You don't remember where were you? King know. I don't know where I was. I think I was probably just like walking outside like, because no one cared about me and I just wanted to leave and cause a scene.
Yeah. And make it all about me, you know? Of course. And it was the dead of winter, obviously. So freeze. I doubt I had a jacket on too. So they were just like worried that I was gonna freeze to death probably. Yeah. Um, I don't remember. All that happened. But I remember them telling me the next morning that, yeah, I was [00:16:00] being a crazy person.
Oof. So at least like I'm not gonna do that this year. I know. You know, there was this one, I think two, well the Christmas before I got sober I think probably. 'cause that's when I was getting really like blase blah. Mm-hmm. But I got in a fight with my sister and I think I kicked her like on the couch.
Yeah. And I don't know what we're talking about, but honestly my sister, I love you so much, but she's an asshole and like she knows when it's like time to get me in trouble. Yeah. She'll just like do something and I'm like, I'm gonna kick you in the throat. Yeah. Because I have no like regulation tools.
Yeah. I kicked her and she Ooh. And then I was so, sisters are so funny. I love when like my friends who have sisters talk about their sister fights. It's so funny to me. Oh my God. That is the person that like. I would stab her in the jugular and then be like, love you. It would, it would take me like 30 seconds to actually feel bad.
Yeah. 'cause I would just be like, and then I'd be like, oh shit, what did I do? But I kicked her and then we were like all [00:17:00] fighting, but I was drunk. Yeah. So whatever. They were probably just like, this one's drunk. Yeah. And then I like got up in a huff and I was like, I'm going to bed. And then I went around the corner to this big box of wine and I grabbed two bottles of wine and my dad was like looking at me through the glass window.
Yeah. Like the door. And he's like, Hey, put that down. And I went, mm. And then I went to bed and I was like, was so, IM so fucking immature. So like. We were little baby children. Oh my God. Like it just like so petty. So petant had to have our bottles of wine and bottles of booze and like I was already blackout drunk.
Yeah. I'm like, what was I gonna do? Go drink this in bed. Like I know. I mean yeah. But like, holy fuck. I know. I'm so glad. That's what we're same. It just is so exhausting. So exhausting. It was so exhausting. And it was like a, like has a little bit fun to sneak around. Yeah. Like I do a little bit. The only thing I miss in life is like sneaking around.
Yeah. Well I got to sneak around and like have sex with my boyfriend all weekend. 'cause my parents were at my house. Yeah. That's fun. It was fun That like a nice, like quiet [00:18:00] or like when you have to try to be quiet. Like when a position like is kind of allowed. So you have to like reposition Yeah. To like be a little quieter.
It's like, ah, that's kind of hot. He has to like, he has to put a muffler on your ass. Everybody slaps it. Well he, he didn't slap my any parts of my body all weekend. What parts are you usually getting slapped? Face. I sometimes a face. I like it. Yeah. I like it. I ask this person, I think he likes a slap in the face too.
It's cool. Yeah. It's also like, um, so sexy when it's like, oh, you love me. Yeah. And it's only a two slap, um, maximum for me. Okay. I had four slaps on my ass the other day and I almost turned around two on my face. Hey. Two on my face, unlimited on my ass. It's okay. Yeah. But chew on the face. Okay. It's too much.
Yeah. Yeah. Does he wind up? No, he does it kind of hard and Oh, he does. I like it. Yeah. Okay, okay. Okay. I know at first when I told him that I wanted to be slapped, I was like so scared that he was gonna be like, okay, you know, because like my boyfriend is so sweet and innocent, he's great. Eyes go black, he just beats the fucking [00:19:00] shit outta you.
This is always what I wanted to do. Finally, my rage. No, but yeah, he's, he's good at it. Yeah. I asked recently for this person to like slap my face and he kind of was like. Because like, I don't think he was expecting that from me. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm, I like it. Yeah. And we were in the shower. We were in the shower this morning and he like went to spit in the shower, which by the way, don't do that.
I don't do that. I don't like when people spit things in the shower. I don't like when people say, I think like, I don't usually, but like I have Do you pee in the shower? Like sometimes. Okay. I don't pee in the shower. Interesting. I also don't pee in pools, but I don't, I don't pee in pools. I don't have to.
Okay. Even when I was a kid, I never had to pee. The only thing when I get into a pool, I have to poop. Oh, interesting. Hope. The pool, I think it's like the gravity and like the IBS and it's like, it's time we're in the water and then I just, shit in the water. No. And then I always have to like get out and then take that bathing suit off and then get it back on and then everything is everywhere.
But [00:20:00] I, I, I definitely like pee in the shower. Fuck it. I think I pro, I think because I wake up so early, I just like, I pee at five 30 and then I don't have to pee when I get in the shower. I don't know. I pee at like four and then I go back to bed. Oh, you do? And then I pee again. That's not a great schedule.
I know. It's really, it really sucks. I know like sometimes if I peel up before bed, I don't have to wake up at four P. Yeah. But for the most part I do because I'm usually like drinking. Well, your body's like trained for that. Yeah. You know, this is why I don't drink water. I never have to pee. That's like, it's honestly good.
I know I need to. If I stop drinking water at like 10 mm-hmm And then I go to bed at 12, I should be fine. Okay. But you gotta like schedule it. I gotta drink water. This person that I'm dating keeps making me drink hot water. I'm over it. I mean, it's really good for you. I'm everybody trying to change me.
Should we do some questions? Um, yeah. How's your mental health? Oh, fuck me. Okay. My mental health. How's your mental health? I can't believe we forgot about that. [00:21:00] This is gonna be such a fun episode, by the way. Like this is already like I know. I'm thrilled. So fun. Um. My mental health is good. I feel like I'm great.
Yeah. My mental health is really good. I think, I think I had a little bit of like a stressful weekend just with my parents being at my house all weekend, but they really did like, I'm really grateful for them. They really helped me organize my space. Mm-hmm. We cleaned out my closets, we painted the walls, gave it a little refresh, built my boyfriend in a closet because he will be moving in soon.
And yeah, I think I'm, this is changing. It just got me really excited for him to move in because I was stressed before that there wasn't enough space. But now like we've made so much space for him that it seems like feels so good. Um. Mm-hmm. We went to a meeting last night together. It was my friend's one year.
Um. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. It really cute. You speak? Yeah. He asked me to do a reading. Oh, right. So I did a reading. I Did you get through all the words? I did get through all the, because that he didn't gimme the long one. Like there's a long [00:22:00] one and I was hoping I didn't get that one and I didn't. Great. I was actually the first one to read, so I.
Were you nervous? I kicked it off. Do you get shaky? No, it was fine. Oh, good for you. I was actually pretty fine. Yeah, I was like, when I was talking about him, 'cause I like said congratulations. After I did the reading, I got a little bit, I don't know if I got choked up because like I felt really proud of him or if I was nervous.
Probably both. Both, yeah. Um, but his daughter was there and his wife was there. Whoa. And like two of his close friends were there, so like, that was really sweet. He introduced me to them after. Um, it was really super nice. Like I love when the family come and support. Um, and he cares a lot about his family.
So it was really sweet. And did you, you did a reading and then do you say something about him? Yeah. You do? Okay. Yeah. Because you guys are friends. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's nice. Yeah, I like that. It was sweet. And my boyfriend had a fun time at the meeting. We all went out for dinner after. Good. Love you.
Um, well we just had tea, but. Our friend Alexia was there. Love Alexia. Hi Alexia. She got me some rings. She got me this one and two other ones for Chrissy for [00:23:00] my birthday. But the other ones I need to get a size up. Okay. They're gonna look so good. My God, I love rings. I, I know. Um, how are you feeling not being on birth control, by the way?
Honestly. Fine. Fine. Okay. How's your period hasn't come yet. Okay. Okay. But like, has yours come yet? No, but I think it's coming soon as I'm getting crank. Okay. So after you get yours, I should be like, is this the first month off? Yes. Okay, so this will be your first Yeah. Non birth control period. Yes. Scared.
Oh my God. What? Scared. So, I'm a scared. Scared. I'm a little scared for that, and I'm a little scared that it's gonna be like really heavy cramps. Mm-hmm. Because. I'm not on birth control. My skin hasn't broken out. Like Yeah, I know. I, I don't know. My boobs feel the same. You have like not had a mood shift?
No. Other than maybe being happier, like, I don't know, maybe. No, but like, yeah, like everything I seems fine, but birth control really didn't affect me that much. Okay. To be honest. Yeah. So maybe it won't be that big of a change, but we'll see how the period goes. So, interesting. I went on birth control when I was 16.
Yeah. Because I didn't wanna get my period for prom. [00:24:00] Oh. Which is like, the fact that I said that to my doctor and she was like, yeah, here you go. It's so fucked up. Is the dumbest thing in the world? Yeah. Like, what am I doing on prom? Like, are they doing that now still? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what's going on with birth control.
I can't wait till we have our nurse friend in. Me too. Yeah. Oh, I know. Come get over here. I, uh, that's also how I feel about Accutane. Yes. Accutane, I was on it and I re, I remember going on it and I had to like sign a waiver that was like, you will not have sex because if you get pregnant, your baby will be upside down.
Baby. How old were you when you were on Accutane grade? Grade 10. Okay. I think grade 10, grade 10 was the year that my skin got really bad. Mm. But I think grade 10 was when I started smoking every, smoking weed every day, drinking almost every day. So I think that had a lot to do with it. Yeah. By the time grade 11 rolled around, my skin was used to it, I was fine.
Okay. Yeah. You climb died. I, um, my body was like, okay, I guess I'm just gonna, this is what we're doing now. Yeah. I'll have to be okay with it. My skin was horrible. Like it wasn't cystic, it wasn't like if you [00:25:00] saw my skin in pictures, you'd probably be like, yeah, that's not great. But it wasn't the worst.
Yeah. But it's your fucking face. Yeah, I know. And like also on top of being bullied and like having crushes on boys, I'm like, okay, this isn't gonna work. No. There was some days that like, I like was crying to my mom, like, I need to stay home. And I think I did stay home for a couple days, so did I that year because like I could not go.
Yeah. And my mom had bad skin growing up and she was. Bullied within an inch of her life. Yeah. And so she would let me like just be like, okay. No, it's too much. Yeah. And if I have a daughter and her skin's really bad. Yeah. Don't go to fucking school if you're gonna get, if you don't feel safe, it's so cruel.
No, don't go. Also, like sometimes I'd be at school, I'd go to school, I'd have my makeup like perfectly caked onto my face. And then I would like go to the bathroom after first period and there'd be like a new pimple sitting on my face. Yeah. Not, and I'm like, I can't. But also back in the day, like I would feel comfortable having a child now because of the skin and only because of the skincare.
Yeah. But like it was, it was makeup, makeup, makeup. Yeah. And then like cleaning clear with those beads. Yeah. Which, and then proactive, which is just [00:26:00] bleach. Oh, it's so bad for you and your skin. I felt so bad for my skin. It hurts. It hurts. Yeah. My eyelids were like psoriasis. Yeah. Like I had to get these like tar treatments on my eyelids 'cause I was on Accutane.
Yeah. Like it was crazy. Ow. But, um, I don't regret it, but I remember. Yeah. But like you don't have any scars from that. Like your face is perfect. So like Yeah. I'm not really a big picker of things. Yeah. Good. Other than my chicken pox, but, um, damn Accutane. But I, I don't know what they're doing now, but Accutane and birth control, I feel like we were the experimental Yeah.
Years and we'll see what happens, I guess. But I would say my mental health is an eight right now. Okay, great. I, yeah. My, what's yours? I feel good. Honestly, my mental feels good today. I feel like I'm having a really good week and month and we're getting our nails done tomorrow. And I was like, how has it already been?
Five weeks? Yeah. And those five weeks were very fun. Mm-hmm. Like I feel Yeah. Accomplished. Yeah. And I feel like yeah, you've grown a lot even in this month. I think so too. With your relationship with the podcast. Yeah. I think like [00:27:00] you're definitely more levelheaded. I think so too. Think with everything. I think with the pod I've needed some freak outs.
Like I've needed some things to like really be. Where I feel like super overwhelmed and like being, like I told Anne, I was like, I feel like I'm being swallowed. Mm-hmm. Like I don't know what the fuck everyone is talking about. And now we're on Slack and I'm like, I dunno, this interface. Yeah. But she was like, I never want you to feel like that with me.
Mm-hmm. So let's figure this out. But then I think having gone through a few things, I'm like, okay, I'm in charge. Yeah. Everything is fine. Yeah. And I know the intention of this pod, which is to like build a community and like, and we're fucking doing it. Help people. Yeah. And they're fucking doing it baby fucking doing it.
But no, I think my mental health is good. I'm like letting myself be happy and then I'm like, if something goes wrong, I'll be sad then. But I'm not gonna be sad anticipating. Yeah. What could possibly go wrong? Well, because like you can only live in the moment, right? Yeah. You can't like think forward.
Mm-hmm. And be like, what if this doesn't work? What if that doesn't work? Yeah. It's working right now. And that's literally all that matters. So enjoy it. Yeah. Have fun. And I feel good and I [00:28:00] feel, I feel good about Christmas. I feel good about the new year. Yeah. I feel good about. I think December is such a good time to try and get sober or to like think about.
Yeah. It's so much reflection. Right. Like it, December is so much reflection and I'm like, upon reflecting. Yeah. So fucking proud of us. Yeah. And me and oh, this has been the best year of my fucking life. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Holy shit. Right. Holy shit. Best year of my life. Yeah. Um, yeah. I think this is a big time in your life that you would be thinking of getting sober.
Mm-hmm. Like a lot of people start coming to the meetings around this time because it gets cold. No one wants to live under a bridge or live on the street in this fucking weather. So Yeah. If you are struggling, reach out to someone. Yeah. And also know that, like what you just said, December is a difficult month.
Yeah. December, January, all the way to March, it's fucking cold. Yeah. December is supposed to be happy and cheerful. Mm-hmm. And if you're not, that's okay. Yeah. 'cause it's like literally just a social construct and like most people are fucking [00:29:00] miserable on Christmas. None of it even like, actually no. Is a thing?
No. Like it's not real. No. Just try not to bring up politics at dinner. Oh God. And if you're like, grandpa brings up politics, just push him. Just like let him talk and don't answer. Push him down the stairs. Don't push your grandpa down the stairs. Old people be falling all the time. No one would be the wiser old people do be following.
Okay, so we asked you guys to, well we, what we've done, and this is like still, you can always post, but we have an anonymous link. Yes. On our link trees on our Instagram. You can just go to it and then send us an anonymous question, comment, concern, little anecdote, anything. This one was a little more Christmas focused, I guess.
Yeah. But also I think we have like some that are kind of Christmas focused. Yeah. Some that aren't. Yeah. Um, but yeah, we can kind of just talk about it openly. Yeah. Kind of relate them to Christmas too. Well yeah. And kind of just like get all the Christmas willies out in the open. Yeah. And talk about what everyone is worried about.
Yeah. So do you wanna pull that up? [00:30:00] Zza Bear? I will do that. Heath. So again, if you wanna talk to us and like, if you don't feel like messaging us, if you're like a friend of someone who needs to get sober, if you need to get sober, if whatever, and you don't feel like, you know, telling us who you are. Yeah.
Just go ahead and write it here and it feels good. Yeah. It feels good to kind of get it out and then we'll read them here. And it's anonymous so we don't even know Yeah. Who it is. And if you, do you want us to know who you are, then just DM SA question. Yeah. This is a good start though. Yeah. All right. You go with the first one.
Okay. How did you know it was time to get sober? That's so interesting. I, um, I think, I think things like that, like with Christmas, when I started to ramp up my behavior mm-hmm. Because I was always a rat, but I was not mean. Mm-hmm. And I think when I started my last year of drinking, I knew, well, my last like two years of drinking was like right after my boyfriend broke up with me in New York.
Mm-hmm. And I was devastated. And I was like, [00:31:00] I did not see a future at all. Yeah. I didn't. And I was like, okay, I'll just drink for a little bit and see what happens. And then things like Christmas come up where I'm like reflecting on my year. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, am I gonna do this for the rest of my fucking life?
And I think that that sentiment kept coming up, like, am I gonna do this for the rest of my life? Am I gonna get pregnant and be a drunk mom? Mm-hmm. Am I gonna be 50 years old hiding alcohol? Mm-hmm. Like, and then the, that kept coming up for me. And I think that's just what it is. It's like timing. Yeah.
Like your body starts to know. Also, I will say, if you're thinking that you. Have a drinking problem. If you think that you should get sober, you probably should. Yeah, we've said that before. Yeah. Like the first time you think that it's a problem, you can't like, like you can't go back to thinking it's not a problem.
No. So yeah, just go with that first thought. Mm-hmm. Like, you have a problem and that's fucking okay. Yeah. Like reach out for help. It is scary though, to be like, 'cause I do remember there were moments early. Mm-hmm. Like when I moved to Toronto from New York and I still had six more years of drinking to do.
Yeah. [00:32:00] And I was sitting on my couch and I was like, oh, I've been drunk every day for two years. Yes. Like I this, like, when I started to put into perspective, I was like, this is gonna be a fucking problem. And even then I knew, yeah. But when it really started, I would have these like revelations in the middle of the night and be like, I gotta get sober.
Yeah. I'm gonna die. Once I started to get really scared, I was like, this is fucking time. You probably knew you had to get sober when you, uh. Had that revelation of like, oh shit, I was drinking every day for the past two years. Yeah. Do you think like, that was like, well that was when the, you know what, that actually, rather than, I need to get sober.
Yeah. That was when I realized, oh, I need this. Yeah. I have to do this. That's when you realized you had a problem. Yeah. But there was not a, oh, I need stop. Yeah. But I, I do know that I, like, I know that when you have a problem with stuff like that, like you do have to stop. And I was like, well, that's not my trajectory.
Yeah. So we'll just do this and see what happens. Also, I was way too depressed to ever think anything that you could get sober. Yeah. But like the [00:33:00] idea was floating in my head for a while and then it really, for me felt very much like, oh, I don't have time left, so I kind of have to get sober. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
And like when you choose yourself, it's like so empowering and it is so weird that we like have those moments. I know. Because we're choosing alcohol every day. And then one day we woke up in displaced, like, no, I'm choosing myself over this. Well, 'cause I think it's like we're ch and we've talked about this, whether like alcoholism is a choice, addiction is a choice.
And I think it's like, yeah, we're choosing to drink alcohol every day. And it's like, you wake up that one morning and it's not that I'm choosing to not drink alcohol. I'm choosing to not die. Yeah. I think that's it. And like, that's why I don't wanna wanna stop. Like, I don don't wanna stop drinking, but I don't wanna die.
Yeah. And so like, that becomes the choice. It's not like, oh, should I have a drink this morning? Because that's never a choice. Yeah. That is like, I have to, my body needs it. I'm in withdrawal. So like, the only way to calm down is to drink and get through the day. Mm-hmm. But this was like, oh, you're making [00:34:00] like a, a choice outside of yourself now.
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's it too, because that's why like I called rehab was because like, I didn't wanna die and like I knew I didn't know how to live anymore. Yeah. Like, I wasn't living for like. Probably like the past two years of my drinking, like I was just going through the stages of life drunk.
Yeah. And like getting arrested and going to hospitals and like Yeah. Getting fired from every job, losing every relationship. Like Yeah. Like at some point I'm the problem. Exactly. Yeah. But I think like probably when like I lost my first job or I lost my first friend. Mm. I knew I had a problem then. When was that?
When would that have been? Maybe when I was like 19. Okay. So you used to have them drinking to do Yeah, probably when I was 19 I knew I was an alcoholic. Mm-hmm. Um, when I first started drinking, I knew I didn't drink like a normal person. Yeah. And then at 19 I knew I was an [00:35:00] alcoholic and then. How did you know that?
Just 'cause you were like, oh, I'm, you could like feel the addiction. Well, I'm like, okay, well my friend is breaking up with me because I am not choosing to get sober. Mm-hmm. Like, she gave me like an ultimatum. I'm like, either you get sober or I can't be friends with you. Yeah. And then I chose alcohol over her.
Yeah. So that's like a big, like, yo. Yeah. I'm an, if I'm choosing alcohol over my best friend. Yeah. This is a clear fucking sign. Yeah. And then, yeah, I got fired from my first job in Toronto for not showing up 'cause I was hammered and I like called in sick because I was like, had a mental health emergency.
Mm-hmm. And ended up in the hospital. But like everyone knew I was just drunk and ended up at the hospital. I knew I had to do something. I guess like when my friend broke up with me, when I got fired from that first job, I was reaching out to therapists and going to CMH and like trying to do things to get me to control my drinking.
Yeah. I didn't wanna [00:36:00] stop. Mm-hmm. Um, no, because the only way that you know how to live is with drinking. Yeah. And so it's like, if I stop drinking, I'm gonna die, but if I don't stop drinking, I'm gonna die. Yeah. What are we doing? So I think I was just like trying to control my drinking for like Yeah. From 19 to 23.
Mm-hmm. And then one morning I said, enough is enough. And I called rehab. Damn. Yeah. Thank God. Yeah. So good. I love those fucking moments of clarity. Thank God. Yeah. Because you probably would've been dead. No, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was one time I told my story and you were like, yeah, thank God you called rehab when you did.
Because it sounds like you had like a week left to live. Yeah. Which is like, yeah. I didn't think about it like that until you said that to me once. And I was like, yeah, you're so right. Yeah. Like I was doing crazy ass shit. Showing up to interviews, hammered, blackout, don't remember. Yeah. What's happening.
Like and you were probably, you were probably gonna get hit by a fucking bus. Yeah. Being hungover. Like, not even being drunk, but just being like Exhausted. Yeah. And it's like, there she goes. Yeah. [00:37:00] Like it wouldn't have even been like I was out drinking, got in a car with someone. It's just like something was gonna happen.
Yeah. Yeah. And I feel that about me too. Like you can feel your body like kind of getting ready to go. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Scary. Very scary. But I think like the advice would be like if you've thought about it mm-hmm. It's not gonna go away. Yeah. And you gotta take small steps Yeah. To get there.
Yeah. Like, we're not telling you you have to be completely a hundred percent sober right now. Mm-hmm. But like. If you think you need to go to detox, if you think you need to go to rehab or find a therapist, someone who's gonna keep you accountable, then do it. Yeah. Keep the conversation going with yourself also.
Yeah, like check in with yourself. It's hard to do that when you're in the middle of it, but it is. Yeah. If you're thinking about it, you gotta nip it in the bud. You gotta cut it, nip it in the butt. You gotta cut it in the butt. Cut it in the butt, babe. Good question though. Thank you. Yeah, that was great. I think we're finally like.
Understanding when [00:38:00] we did decide to get sober. Yeah. Because I feel like when we first got that que like, we've gotten that question or something like that question before when we first started, but we were like, I don't really know. I know because I feel like now it's like more clear because we've been talking about it for, so we've been reflecting on our past.
So I feel like the timeline starting to come together a little more. Even if we didn't remember it. I'm like, oh yeah, I agree. Okay. Would love to hear more about both of your experiences with drugs. Drugs. Drugs by drugs. The first time I did drugs, what was the, when was the first, the first time I ever smoked weed.
Yeah. I was super against drugs. Like they, I, I mean growing up I was very against drugs. The first time I smoked weed I was in Boston with the dancers and I was Were you like first year? Second year. First year. Okay. First year house parties. That's when I like kind of started drinking. Mm. And I remember being like, alcohol's so rous.
It tastes horrible, but we gotta do it 'cause we're sad. Um. And like everyone was smoking weed. So I was like, I guess I'll smoke weed. But also back then weed wasn't really, it was like seventies. We, was it a joint? Was it a bong? It, [00:39:00] Ooh, good question. I think it was a joint. Okay. And then it turned into bowls really fast.
Like then I feel like I never smoked a joint again. Like a pipe or like, 'cause I would make makeshift bongs out of water bottles. Okay. Do you ever do that? No. Okay. But we had like the, I think I had, I had like a blue bowl thing that was like, and you pack the weed in there and then it's the pipe and you Okay.
Go of that. Just a small little thing. Thing. Yeah. Okay. But I, I, I never felt high. Yeah. Ever. And I also, like my brain was so depressed at the time and I honestly think that nothing was gonna penetrate that. So Did you do weed and tobacco together? Tobacco, yeah. No poppers. Oh. I've obviously done poppers, but, um, like, I like smoking cigarettes or like putting weed, putting, well, like when I would, when I was a smoker, I would, I started smoking like.
Second year of high school. Yeah. We did the bucket system. So there was like the water bottle. My god, I was just hearing about the bucket system yesterday. Yeah, the water bottle. And like a, [00:40:00] someone at the party last night had a volcano. Oh, sh with the blow up thingy. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, that's what my friend in Reno does.
I was like, what high school prison shit is this? So it was like, that's a volcano. It, I think it's better for your lungs though. Well, and it looks cool. It looks cool. But yeah, the bucket system, it was like in water, whatever. It was very like trashy, no supervision. But we would put weed and tobacco mixed together and light it, so.
Oh, that's fun. You would get like super buzzed after you took it. So like you were spitting. Oh, and then you were stoned. One time I smoked weed at this guy John Krause's house. Hi John Krause, how are you? And um, first and last. Yep. Anne's gonna giggle when she, 'cause he was the guy, he was like the art guy at our school that was like.
The trade. So like he was like the one straight guy that everyone was trying to fuck just because he was straight and he worked at GNC. But um, I went to his house once and we smoked a bong. Yeah. And I [00:41:00] walked to the train. This is when I was taking public transportation. Yeah. I left his house, which I don't know why.
And I was crawling like in fucking Massachusetts just crawling to the train. 'cause I felt like I, if I stood up, I was gonna die. Yeah. I know. That happened to me twice where I like had that and then I never had that feeling again. And I'm like. What is that? Yeah, no, I would, when I, I would also smoke bongs in high school, but then when I moved to the city at 17, I like had my own bong and I would just smoke that morning.
Night, bong day. Night bong feels so young. Yeah. Which is so funny. Yeah. Damn. It was cute. I, I loved cleaning my bong. Like that was like, I would clean it once a week. I had like all like the little tools to clean it. I made sure it was so clean. So cool. Yeah. Nice. It was, it was cute. I think I had a pink one at a time.
Oh, why do you like pink? And then my ex like, did break my bong once and then, then he bought me another one, but it wasn't as cute. Um, but then my ex was like, okay, we need to stop smoking weed. 'cause we would literally buy an ounce, a weed [00:42:00] and share it with his mom, which is like so much weed and so much weed.
Too much weed. A brick of weed. I think it's like 40 grams. It was, put it in a fireplace, let it go. So he was like, we need to stop. And I was like, yeah, that's fine. I can stop. And then I just like. Drank more instead of Yeah. You're like, great. No problem. Yeah. Instead of just like smoking weed and did, and drinking.
Did you Not really because had alcohol, I think it was starting to gimme a little bit of anxiety. Mm. When I, I probably quit weed when I was like 21. Yeah. Um, that's like before weed was good. Yeah. Like when the dispensaries opened, it was like, oh, okay. Yeah. No, I quit weed when the dispensaries opened. Okay.
You're like, I'm honestly not into the legal shit. Yeah. Fuck the shit. I wanna get it under a bridge from someone named Carl. Yeah. I did do it like a couple times, like I've probably done it 50 times after I quit it, but like, not. Not an ounce a week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you never felt addicted to it or did you After that?
After I quit it, no. Okay. Yeah. So [00:43:00] funny. That's how I feel about Coke. Yeah. Where people are like, were you addicted? And I'm like, I don't think so. I was addicted to alcohol. Yeah. And I loved doing coke, but like, if I didn't have Coke, I never gave a fuck. So did you ever buy coke by yourself? Yes. Yes.
Multiple times. Okay. Drugs in college were, that was just weed. Yeah. And alcohol and cigarettes. 'cause I was trying to get Adele to fall in love with me. Mm-hmm. And, um, and she did. And it worked. And she did, God, I think about her all the time, but I hope point day she like hears a clip of that and then she's like, hi Heather, how are you?
But, um, she will, she will. But, um, once I got to to New York, that's when everything changed. So I hadn't done drugs at all in college, but I wanted to be cool. I got my nipple pierced. I was like lying to people about having sex, like mm-hmm. Because I was still a virgin. Like, and I. Finally when I got to New York, I hit a depression that was like so deep.
Mm-hmm. That I didn't, I wasn't afraid of fucking anything anymore. Yeah. The only thing I was afraid of was like never dancing again. Yeah. And that happened, and that is actually still the worst [00:44:00] thing in the world. But I was starting to go to these like speakeasies mm-hmm. And dancing, like go, go dancing.
Yeah. Because you'd just make under the table money. And it was fun. And that's where all the dancers were. And they would pay us in tips and coke. Mm-hmm. And it was, and we would dance. Yeah. And then someone would come over with their like credit card or with their finger out. Yeah. And then you would just do it and it, it, I felt so cool.
Yeah. I was like very aware that people were watching me do it and I was like, this cool. Fucking, no. It all like sounds really cool. It was. Yeah. But then that's when it was fun. Yeah. And then I started buying it and I would buy it. There was a, a wine store down the street, metropolitan Ave. And then my.
Connect was on that street. So I would go get wine, text him Right. Come through. And then he would just come downstairs hand me, I was gonna say weed, coke, and then I'd go home. Yeah. Would you buy like a couple grams? Do you remember? I don't know what I bought. Yeah. And honestly, how much do you think you were giving him?
Like a hundred dollars bill? Or like five? No, like [00:45:00] I probably would give him like 50 bucks. Okay. And then, or like 20 bucks, whatever I had. Okay. And I honestly, I think he wanted to fuck me because like he, I, at that time too, I didn't know how much anything was. Like, I don't know, like an ounce of of that.
So I was just like, I need enough for tonight and tomorrow. Yeah. And then he was, here's what I have. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't know if it was Coke, but that's when I started. One morning I was like very, I wasn't anorexic at the time, but I wasn't. Well, yeah. Like I was skinny girl. I was really skinny. But I wasn't trying that hard to be skinny.
I was just depressed. Like it stopped from being, I would, you know what it was. Yeah. I was so fucking hung over all the time. Yeah. And so I couldn't go to the gym, but I had to go to the gym because I had to run. Yeah. And so I would, I tried Coke in the morning 'cause I had it and I'm like, oh, I did it yesterday.
It's fine. So I would bump it off the kit. Off the fridge. Yeah. Off the top of the fridge. And then go to the bodega, get a coffee, and then a LA bar and fucking book it to the gym and run for 50 minutes. And that's all I would do. And that sounds like so many addictions right there. Every, Hey. Yeah. [00:46:00] Was it ever cocaine?
Yeah. Coffee. Yeah. And restricting, anorexia, restricting. Yeah. And then you probably drank after that. And I was so like, that's like five addictions right there. And it's not even 12 o'clock yet. Oh yeah. And then, yeah. And then I wine started to get too expensive, so I started buying like tequila. Mm-hmm. And then I would just drink that all night.
It was crazy. Drugs. You never like needed the Coke. Like so did that, when did you like stop doing that as like your regular cycle when you moved to Toronto? Yeah. Yeah. When I moved to Toronto. Did you have a guy in Toronto to give you coke? No. Okay. That's why I stopped. Okay. 'cause and, and that's also when I kind of realized, I was like, oh, I don't have that big of a problem.
Yeah. Because it's only alcohol. Right. Like Coke I don't really need. Yeah. So you thought you were fine? Yeah. Because at least you're not a drug addict. And at that time I was drinking more than everybody else. Yeah. But it didn't really feel like that because everyone was like a dancer and newly queer and like out and partying.
So it never felt obvious. [00:47:00] Yeah. That I was going crazy and especially with drugs. Mm-hmm. And then we went to Bon Bonobo Bonobo, but Bonobo's Cons, uh, show. Mm-hmm. He's a dj and I was with my friend Alex, and we were in line for the bathroom and someone handed me what I thought was a. Bowl with weed, and I smoked it, and I think it was crack.
And I hit a wall, like the wall came to my face. Yeah. And like, it was so crazy and fun and psychotic. And then after that I was like, okay, I don't need to do that anymore. Was that fun for you? It was fun, but it was also really scary. Scary, scary. Yeah. Yeah. Like, it didn't feel good, but it like really overrides everything.
Yeah. And then that was a night where I was like, okay, you can't do that. Yeah. You can't just like smoke shit that people are holding. Yeah. Um, because I still was like a little bit scared of that. But then when I, I moved back to Toronto, I lost my visa, I moved to Toronto, very depressed. And then I was just drinking.
Yeah. Drinking, drinking, drinking. [00:48:00] And then my last year of alcohol, I was so fucking brazen. Like I didn't give a shit about anything. And there was a nurse that I, that lived in my building on my floor. Mm-hmm. And we would, I'd go up the elevator together and we would talk about shit. And then she started talking about Oxy.
Mm-hmm. One day I was just like, do you have any? And she was like, yeah. And so I just like went to her door and she was like, just gimme a second. Then she handed me a pill bottle and I didn't pay for it. Yeah. And then I, the next time I asked her, which was probably like two weeks later because I wasn't like addicted to them.
Yeah. I just like wanted them. And then I was doing that up until I went to rehab. So how you were getting like a bottle from her like every two weeks you would say? Yeah. Probab. God, it's so, I don't really remember, but So you were like abusing them though? Oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. I was taking them at night 'cause I couldn't take them in the morning 'cause you'd get like paralyzed.
But I would drink a bottle of wine at night and then just take an oxy and like sink. So I felt like I was in Get out. Yeah, just sinking. Interesting. Yeah. I've never done and [00:49:00] never shitting. I've never done oxys. Yeah. I like did Coke and Molly in high school. Mm-hmm. Um, I remember there was like really one fun night when I did, uh, I wouldn't say fun.
Like we went to like these sketchy guys house in high school. They gave us a bunch of Molly, we took it there. Mm-hmm. And then like, they were weird. So we left and then we were just so high in my room, like just like laughing and having like a really good time. Mm-hmm. I think we all ended up like making out with each other too, which was like hot.
Yeah. And like that was like when drugs were fun. Yeah. And then like, I think that was like one of the, like the early times that I thought like drugs were fun. Yeah. And when I moved to Toronto for school, like yeah, there would be coke everywhere. Right. Like Coke is just around. Yeah. Um, and I would never say no to it.
I only bought Coke. Once. Oh, good for you. By myself. I know. Every other [00:50:00] time it was with friends. Yeah. Like we were just split a half gram. Mm-hmm. So I would pay five 50 bucks. Um, I think there was one a couple nights where like people didn't do it as much, so I did most of it, whatever. Um, great. It more for me.
Love it. And there was one time we were out and I thought it was Coke, but they were like, no, this isn't Coke, this is something else. I forget what it was. Mm-hmm. But I still did it anyways. Kind of like your same story. And it hit me so much harder. I didn't smoke it though. I speed it. Yeah. It was probably speed.
I snorted it and it hurt my nose so much. And yeah, I didn't really love that. Like I woke up and the next morning being like, okay, I don't need to. Yeah, just like do random drugs. Like let's just stick to cocaine. 'cause it also kind of ruins your alcohol. It ruins your drunk. It ruined my whole night. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. And I also wanna say too, like there have been times where we're like, oh my God, that was so fun. And I, and it's true. Yeah. There were nights, well we're addict back in the day. We addict alcoholics [00:51:00] because we liked what it did to us. And for me specifically, anything that was getting me out of my body Yeah.
Was super fucking fun. And in the beginning, at the end, it was horrible. I hated it. I wanted to die every single day. In the beginning though, it's fun and that's why it's so good. Yeah. Because when you drink alcohol, to me, I was like, oh, this is a hug. Yeah. This is, I'm home. Mm-hmm. I can be exactly who I wanna be.
Mm-hmm. And that's amazing to find when you're like super fucking anxious and don't fit in. Yeah. But then. No one's really doing coke. And you're like, I'm gonna do all of it. Yeah. And you're like, oh, no one else is partying like this. I know. And I think, um, like there was, but it's still fun. It, but then it's gonna, well get crazy.
Well, it's not even fun. It's just like you have to, it's a survival now it turn, it goes from fun to a survival so quick mm-hmm. In a blink, an eye. Yeah. Um, but yeah, there was like, like some phases of my drinking career. I was doing coke like every other day for like months on end. Yeah. And then some [00:52:00] days, and then some months I wasn't doing any coke for like six months.
So it really just depended on like my life. Yeah. And that's like why I don't, like I say I am an alcoholic, but I don't know if like I'm a drug addict because like alcohol was always my number one love of my life. Um, I just wouldn't say no to other drugs. And then of course there was that one time that I almost did crack and like, thank God I didn't.
And you didn't because you were in a car. Yeah. When the driver was falling asleep. Yeah. You can't be doing crack then. Yeah. It's not crack time. Yeah. It's not crack time. That's why I think I'm like, I'm an alcoholic, but I am an addict. Yeah. Because I'm addicted to anything you give me. Yeah. Like I will push past the nausea with Oxy just to get the high, whatever it is.
Yeah. And I will, if I didn't find alcohol first, if I had found fucking meth, then that would've been my thing, you know? Yeah, for sure. And Coke just happened to not give me the same vibe that I needed to leave my body, that alcohol did. And the same thing with like the eating disorder thing, right? Like you were addicted to that first holy shit.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Next [00:53:00] question. My best friend is an alcoholic. I stopped talking to her nine months ago because her behavior was getting so scary, and frankly it was miserable to be around her. Okay. Did any of your friends cut you out? Did you eventually make amends? Okay. You can speak to this one with alcohol.
Yeah. Do you wanna start? So yeah, going back to in probably second year of university, my friend, she like gave me her therapist. She knew I was struggling so much with like mental health and drinking and whatever. And I did go to her therapist for like a couple months, but of course I was lying to her therapist and like I wasn't telling her the truth.
And what kind of friendship was this? Were you guys like best friends hanging out every day? Like we were best I would say like, I was one of her best friends. Okay. And like, she was one of my best friends in her life. So this really was impactful. Okay. Yes. Um, I met her at the job I was working at. She wasn't a school friend, she was a job friend.
Mm-hmm. Um, so yeah. So. I tried going to her [00:54:00] therapist for my, I wasn't going to this therapist for myself though. I was mostly going for her. And that's probably why it didn't work. Right? Yeah. Um, it's like when your parents force you into rehab, you're like, Ooh, yeah, it's not gonna work. Not gonna work. So I tried that it wasn't working and I was still getting fucked up drinking whatever.
She said, Hey, I can't do this. Like, you can either stop drinking or like, we can't be friends anymore. And I obviously chose alcohol over her. Yeah. Um, because were you just like going out and getting too drunk with her and being like mean? Yeah. I was just like scaring her. Like exactly what this girl wrote down in her question.
Mm-hmm. Like I'm sure I was getting scary. Mm-hmm. And I'm sure I was miserable to be around, so Yeah. She cut me out. Yeah. Um. Going back on what I know now. She was going through her own shit, which this girl who asked a question, she could be going through her own shit too, and just can't like handle a friend who's a fucking drunk right now.
So yeah, like when she broke up with me, [00:55:00] I of course was like, fuck you, you don't care about me, I hate you. Mm-hmm. Whatever. Yeah. But I thought that, but of course like I knew like it's a me problem. Yeah. It's not a her problem. Mm-hmm. And I just like didn't talk to her until I got sober. And then when I got sober, like a year after, maybe like nine months after I got sober, I reached out to her and did my amends to her.
And then I went to her wedding in Portugal, right. Two months ago. And I'm actually seeing her tonight, so. Oh yeah. So nice. I think. Yes. If you need to cut out your friends because they're drinking. Yeah. You have to be. If you're the sober one. If you're not the sober one, you have to put yourself first in any situation.
Yeah. If you can't handle your drunk friend anymore, that is totally fine to break up with them. Yeah. Because if it's meant to be self preservation, you guys will work out. Yeah. Later on you have to lose things to get sober. Right. So like, maybe this is [00:56:00] what needed to happen for her to realize like, I'm losing things.
I, I need to fix myself. Yeah. Because I don't like who I am anymore. Yeah. So, and it might take a decade. It might take a decade, but like I, I am very pro putting your boundaries up when you need to. So even though it sucked for me in that moment, I'm so happy that she did that. Yeah. She had to. 'cause I think it's one of the reasons why I did need to get sober.
Yeah. Because one day you're gonna wake up and all of your friends are gonna be gone. Exactly. And then alcohol is your friend. Yeah. And you're like, oh no. I will say from the other side. An as a, okay. If you're friends with an addict mm-hmm. And you're pissed off at them because they're addicts and they're being scary and they're drinking too much and they won't stop.
And you've asked them and you've given them an ul, like my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum. Yeah. And I loved him. Mm-hmm. We and your friend can't. Yeah. There is nothing that you can do. Nothing that you can [00:57:00] say. You can't even be mm-hmm. A person like you could be the most amazing person in the world and someone's not gonna wanna get sober for you.
Yeah. They can't. No. So it does really hurt when, and I think this is something that doesn't come up enough, but we hurt a lot of people in our addiction. Yeah. But we didn't have a choice. Yeah. We didn't. And if you are gonna stick around, you're going to probably get hurt. Yeah. And that fucking sucks. Yeah.
At the same time, I'm hurting and I'm really, really, really fucking sick. And so. You can do your best to not take it personal, understand that your friend is sick. Mm-hmm. And yeah, back up. Yeah. You don't have to stick around for sick people. You don't, because it's also not just a sickness. It's like, comes with like really mean things.
It comes with violence. Yeah. It comes with all this stress. I think like a few, like most of my friends did stick around and mm-hmm. The ones who did like, either honestly just had drinking problems themselves. Yeah. Or just [00:58:00] had way more like patience. Sure. Like, one of my friends, for example, is becoming a nurse and like obviously she stayed friends with me.
Yeah. Because she has way more patience for, and like sees that I was a sick person. Yeah. She has more, I don't wanna say more empathy, but like she just can handle some stuff better than other people. But what you said before was, right, right. How you were like, um. Some people have things going on in their life.
Yeah. Like we have a friend who can't be around one of our other friends who's drinking. Yeah. Because it bothers her so much. Yeah. And I'm like, yes, sure. That's probably true. But something is happening with you, with that person too, where you're so triggered by it in a deep way. Yeah. That, yeah. You're gonna hurt yourself.
Exactly. You can't be around this person because whatever that is. Yeah. And it doesn't even matter what it is. You're allowed to just be like, I can't, I'm just like so pro, like, be selfish. Yeah. And like what you need. Yeah. Speak up. Yeah. Some people see their friends hanging out with other people. Like you were an outside person.
I was not. So if [00:59:00] people saw you out with your friends and having the fun time and then, but that friend isn't around you. It's like, well, this fucking bitch is going out with her friends and she's not hanging out with me. It's like, yeah, because those friends have alcohol. Yeah. Like this has and also. You are not happy.
And I was like creeping on that friend that broke up with me. Like every like month Yeah. To like see what she was doing. Yeah. Because like, I think I unfollowed her too. Like I still deeply cared about that person mm-hmm. For years while we were broken up. Yeah. Um, and yeah, like it did work out for me.
Doesn't mean that it will work out for like everybody. And like I got really lucky in that situation. But I think it does just like give hope for anyone who is broken up with right now. Or has to do the breaking up with Yeah. With a friend or relationship. Yeah. Could be both. Yeah. I think do your best to A, take care of yourself first and foremost.
Always. Yeah. And b, just remember that like. [01:00:00] That friend is sick. Yeah. And they're hurting really bad. Even if you can't, they don't say it. You can't see it. Nobody wants to be doing what they're doing and nobody wants to lose a best friend. Yeah. And when you walk away from this friendship, her drinking might get worse.
Yeah. Because it's so fucking shameful to lose a friend over it. Mm-hmm. But then it might come back around. Yeah. So you're a good friend for even asking this question. Yeah. Next, next question. Okay. I randomly came across this podcast and I'm so glad I did really enjoy these conversations. You both are awesome and I can really relate to so much of what you talk about.
I appreciate you being here and sharing yourselves with all of us. Oh my God. First of all, thank you for just like coming across thank you algorithm for just coming across algorithms. Send all of them our way. That was so nice. If you're sober. Like the algorithm, they, it's gotta work out for us. Get in here.
Get in here. No, that's really, really sweet. That is and that is why we do the podcast. Yeah. It really is. Yeah. I, it's so nice. I, I'm proud of you too, for [01:01:00] even like writing into a podcast in the first place. It's so nice. It is so nice. And I think, like we do share so vulnerably. Mm-hmm. And like, so much of our lives Yeah.
We can talk a little bit about that. Yeah. And like how, like do you feel weird that we do that? Oh, um, no. I know. I, I, I did get in trouble a little bit. I had a talking to a few weeks ago by something I said on the podcast that was about some someone that I love deeply that was just too personal. Yeah. And I didn't mean to do that.
Mm-hmm. I didn't mean to exploit someone's story. I, um, I really, I just was like, oh, it's relatable, whatever. Um, and that was hurtful and I. Those are the things that I think I'm so desensitized to my story. And so when people are quiet and shyer or dealing with things and they don't want to talk about them, I forget that.
Mm-hmm. I fucking forget that people aren't just like, oh, I'm having this issue. Or [01:02:00] Oh, my boyfriend sucks. You know, it's like in your body. And so I forget and I think that anything that I say is like, I'm saying it because I'm being relatable. Yeah. But in terms of my own shit, no, not at all. I love it. Yeah.
You were definitely like way more open of a person than I was coming into this podcast. 'cause you like love talking to your, about your sobriety all the time. Yeah. To anybody. Yeah. Whatever. And like, I like talking about my, I'm also manic. Yes. Yeah. That is true. Yeah. I like talking my, to my, I like talking about my sobriety in like ways.
Like when it's necessary. When it's necessary in a meeting. Like to my sponsor, to my boyfriend or my friends sometimes. Yeah. But like none of my friends were like really that sober. Mm-hmm. Like a year ago. So like this year I've talked about sobriety so much and like now I love it. And now I am like, I feel like I'm becoming more vulnerable in [01:03:00] like different aspects of my life because of the podcast.
Yeah. And I think at first obviously it was so weird to tell everything about my life. Yeah. And I was scared that I didn't wanna tell everything. But now it's just seems like so normal because of the messages that we get like that. Yes. I'm like, hey, well obviously people one wanna know. Mm-hmm. And two are relating.
Yeah. And like are wanting to get sober because of it. And I'm like, Hey duh, I need to Yeah. Tell everything. Obviously there's some things that we don't share. Sure. But like very, like I'm sure we're gonna share them in two months from now, you know? Yeah, of course. Like we just have to like. We have to like ride that line.
Yeah. And I fuck it up. You fucked it up. We fucked it up. I fucked it up. Yeah. Like, and it's just trial and error. Yeah. When it comes to like, my stuff. Yeah. I've always been super open and when we were on, um, Anthony's podcast mm-hmm. Or covering out loud, he was like, he said something like, it's crazy. Like, I'm mean talking to a microphone and like anyone could hear this.
And I'm like, yeah, that's the point. But it's kind of like, if [01:04:00] any of like my people that I know listen. Mm-hmm. I'm like, hey, well you're, you're wanting to know then. Yeah. 'cause you're clicking on it. So like, that's like even like, oh well it's your fault that you found that out because you clicked on it.
Yeah, I know. Oh my God. Like trying to blame everyone else but myself. That is so addict too. And I think it's like universal. But yeah, someone called me out the other day and I was like, literally my first thought was like, well then fuck you don't listen. Mm-hmm. And then I was like, so that's so mean. I know.
Like, but it is just like, I'm wanna defend, defend, defend. 'cause this is our baby. Yeah. Like this is our thing and we like really actually have good intentions, but. It's so true. Part of being a good person is accountability. But, um, I, I've always been super open about everything. I was obsessed When I had sex for the first time, I would not stop telling everybody.
Oh, really? Oh my God. I was like, I could see that was like, how is everyone not talking? But my sister had to be like, stop fucking talking about sex at dinner. It's gross. Mm-hmm. But I've always been like that and I've set myself up in a way in my life that no one is [01:05:00] shocked when I'm outrageous. Yeah. No one is shocked that I'm talking about sex or sobriety or this other than my mother.
She can't listen because of all the fucking we talk about. But I, that's why I wanted to start this because I was like, I'm the, I'm the perfect, I'm, I would love to be the conduit. Mm-hmm. I'm like, I'll say anything. You can ask me anything. As long as it helps you stay alive. Yeah. I don't really care. Yeah.
You know, I feel good about that. I agree. And I think like, yeah, we've both said things that like. We shouldn't have on the podcast. Sure. But like, this is so new to us and we're learning. Yeah. And we're already like doing so much better than we were when we started, like what, eight months ago? Yeah. So I'm just proud of where we are and I am proud that we're gonna go into the holidays.
So it's so cool to go into the holiday sober. I'm like, I'm not gonna throw up one time. Yeah. Unless I eat too much gingerbread. But I think, are you scared of any triggers that could [01:06:00] happen this holiday? You know what? No, I know. Me neither. Even though like we're having Christmas dinner with my, my dad and then we're gonna, my mom's.
I feel really relaxed about that. Yeah. Like I feel really good about where everyone is. Like my sister and my mom are like such good friends now. Mm-hmm. And I feel like they weren't before, but I feel like they've, like my sister's been visiting my mom so much that I'm like, yeah, this is gonna be great.
Yeah. Like, we're just gonna be the best Christmas. I'm not worried. My sister doesn't drink. My mom will have like a glass of wine discreetly nobody drinks. Yeah. Like my dad. And if you are going into somewhere that drinks mm-hmm. You know, like, bring your own non-alcoholic drinks. Oh my God. I brought drinks.
I brought my own non-alcoholic wine to the, to a party last night. And a nobody gives a fuck. But B, not one person. Like asked what it was. Yeah. If I was drinking. Exactly. Like it was nice. Like, and a lot of people don't like to talk about it. Yeah. So it's really nice to be discreet and then, yeah, you don't need to stay for the whole function.[01:07:00]
Leave when you want to leave the fuck action. And honestly, we're doing the 12 days of Christmas on our Instagrams and TikTok, so just like. Follow us there. Look at our little tips. Yeah. And if you need support, DM us and we'll help you out through the the holidays. Yeah. It's even helping me because like again, like my first year of sobriety I was inside.
Mm-hmm. And even last year, like I didn't do Christmas stuff. Yeah. And then this year we're doing all this stuff and I'm like, this is great. Yeah. Sober shit is so sober. Christmas is so fun. Fun. You know about that. It's like, yeah. Do you know about the outside world? I know like we went on a quad date, the other A double.
A double. A quad date. A quad date. We went on a double date last week. Yeah. And no one was drinking. We had the most fucking fun. Yeah. Like it was just the best. And then you go home and you're like, I'm fulfilled. I don't need to sit here and drink alcohol now. Yeah. Ah. It's so fucking sober Christmas.
Fucking amazing. Sober Christmas guys. Um, do your best. Christmas is hard. Understand that Christmas is hard. Yeah. A lot of emotions, a lot of feelings, a lot of triggers. [01:08:00] Um, you're not a bad person. Whatever you do. Yeah. Um. We love you do your best. We're proud of you no matter what. We're so fucking proud of you all.
Proud of you. Proud of you. I love you. I love you. Proud of you. Love you. Let's go to the Vintage Malls. We're going to good friends. Good. Our tiktoks. Oh, oh bye.
Thanks for listening to Girl Undrunk. You can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Girl Undrunk podcast and or send me an email at heather@girlundrunk.com. I was saying that you guys are all just a bunch of theater kids and I'm like the only one that's not a theater kid. No. Oh, like I'm, I was like, am I the who all really cool one, all like me and Anne and and Yeah.
And Ani and dj. DJ and dj. And then there's me. Yeah. I'm just not a theater kid, guys, I'm so sorry.
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