#38: You Are Literally A Devil
Heather and Zoe reunite to talk shoulder injuries, failed mocktails, anxiety spirals, and why Tana Mongeau's recent sobriety revelation hit so close to home for them. They dig into the fear of losing something you finally love, and how getting sober can reshape friendships, relationships, personal identity, and even the way you care for your home. They also reflect on losing someone to an overdose — a powerful reminder of how close their own struggles with addiction and sobriety once came to a similar outcome.
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You Are Literally A Devil: Transcript
[00:00:00] This podcast covers sensitive topics that may be difficult for some listeners. Please take care while listening.
Good morning everybody. Or good afternoon, I guess, depends on when you're listening to those. But hello everybody. Welcome back to Girl Undrunk. I'm Heather. I'm Zoe. Honestly, I'm so glad you're here today. Yeah. Like it's, I haven't seen you in like a week. I know. Well usually we hang out multiple times a week 'cause we box.
Yeah. But you were sick and, and your shoulder. How is it My shoulder? Honestly. You know what? It's better. Okay. And er, I go to this guy Irvin, at College and Young. Okay. Just look up Osteo Irvin. He's very good. He's my sister's friend. Cool. But he, um, [00:01:00] osteo is interesting. It's just like manipulation of the bones.
He was like, it's kind of in between massage and chiro, but it's like soft. And you're like kind of like, so it doesn't hurt? No, because once I've gone to a chiropractor and they like hurt me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think like the lore of chiropractics is like a little hum Bamba. Mm. Because like some people really believe in it.
Mm-hmm. But I dated a chiropractor. I mean, this is just like an anecdote, but I dated a chiropractor when I first moved to the city. And like, I was like, I would never go see you. Mm. Like ever. Yeah. I'm like, you don't, you're just like a sports guy. Mm. Like you don't actually care about like my body and how my spine's attached to my emotions.
I need that valid. So I need osteo valid. I need like body work. Yeah. I honestly don't think I've ever heard of osteo. Ah, it's really great. It's like he really just got my shoulder moving a little bit. Yeah. And he said that like, which is interesting 'cause it's also like what happens to me during sex, but he's like all the things around your shoulder or bracing.
Mm-hmm. And so like. Do you [00:02:00] think it's from like boxing so much? Yeah. Yeah. I think, well, I think it was boxing and then I think like I had a day where I, like it was either boxing in the Pilates or something, but then I went to get a Christmas tree. Mm. And I was very excited. And then we went to Value Village and walked around there for a hundred years and I was holding just bags of ornaments.
Mm. And I think I was really letting my bones hold things, not like my muscles. Right. Because then I just was like, the next day I like literally couldn't move my arm to the side. But he's like, you either have like a slightly torn rotator cuff or you've just like strained something deep in there. But now like going like this, I can do this again.
Okay. So we'll be able to box next week. I think I'm ready for Monday. Okay. Are you boxing Monday? I don't think so. Just 'cause it'll be after my birthday. We're gonna get crazy. We're gonna get crazy on my B day. Oh, right. And is here. Is here. Can I still box before we go to the Christmas market? Yeah. Box away.
Box away. Um, okay. Well welcome back. Zoe and I have been, we recorded, we went on, um, recovering out loud [00:03:00] last week. Yeah. And that was so good and fun. Yeah. It was so nice to like, not have to think about what we were talking about. I know. Just talk about sobriety in such an open way. Did you find it? It was really nice.
Did you find it difficult at all to not be like hosting? I don't think so. No. Okay. There was a couple times like when you were answering something. Yeah. I was like, Hey, I gotta get ready for my answer and like vice versa. I found that scary. I found it scary too. But we can do anything babe. We're so good at this ship.
I know it is. So I know. I was like, we got it. Got it. We got bag but there early and we got coffee. We got there like three minutes early and that's on time. And that's on time. We're addicts, so that is on time. Yeah. Um, but that was really nice. But we haven't recorded in the studio. Yeah, in two weeks. In two weeks, that's, I've been been, I've been missing.
Yeah. I've been yearning for it. Oh, I'm so excited. So how's your mental health though? Um, my mental health, I'm shaking. Yeah. Well, we tried to make a mocktail this morning. It wasn't our best work, let's just say [00:04:00] that. No, it was dog food. It tasted like dog food. I am excited. That's the only way I can describe it.
If people see what we've done. Yeah. When we post that on TikTok, people are gonna be like, oh, so you've poisoned yourself like, tell us what we've done wrong because something weird. I'm sure we fucked something up. I dunno what. I, I don know. I know, know what we did wrong. We put like soda into coconut cream, which I don't wanna talk about it, but then we put soda in coffee last week.
That was great. Yeah. That taste is great. So I don't know what's going on. Yeah. So we're, we're good with water today. Yeah. Because I am not drinking that. No, that was heinous. That would've been a real HR situation. And we just can't bring any more problems to the table right now. No. We literally have enough problems.
Yeah. But my mental health, I'm feeling. Good. Mm-hmm. I'm feeling better than like I have been like, I feel like now I'm just like, I've accepted that everything's like changing and growing. Yeah. And I think I'm on the other side of like the anxiety of it [00:05:00] all. Mm-hmm. And I think I am just. Accepting that everything is gonna work out.
Yeah. I haven't thought much about how my mental health is doing. Probably 'cause I was sick a few for a few days, so I was just like kind of trying to make myself feel better physically. Um, but I think I'm good. I think I'm over that like anxiety wave from a couple weeks ago. Why do you think you were sick?
Just you just got sick actually. Sick. Well, my boyfriend was sick. Oh, right. Yeah. It wasn't like a stress thing. It was like a sick thing. Yeah. I um. He, I thought he was like gonna be better after the 48 hours, but of course I still caught something. Yeah. But I know everyone has it. It's low and it's just everyone is low grade.
Everyone's sick all the time. I'm like, I'm gonna be sick until March. Yeah. Like, except it, my dad's been sick for like a month now. Mm-hmm. But yeah, I think I'm like on the other side of things, I'm feel like I'm gonna. Say, I'm a six [00:06:00] today. Okay. Maybe a 6.5. Okay. I feel like maybe I ruined your mental health a little bit this morning.
No. Okay. Um, you're good. I, um, I am, you know what? After this whole thing this morning, honestly, basically I posted something and it had the wrong spelling and like, it really, like, it's just been such a week of like. Behind the scenes. Yeah. Texting and chatter and changing things up. And honestly I get, I'm getting people's faces confused.
I'm getting comments, confu, I'm getting things confused and I just think that like, making a mistake this morning was not a, was not gonna work for me and B, it was not fucking gonna be my fault. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. I was like, I don't have that right now. The capacity for anything to be my fault.
'cause this morning, you know what I do often. It's like I wake up in the morning and I think like, okay, like this is how my day is gonna go. And like every now and then I'll like think of like the worst case scenario is if I have to talk to somebody, if I have to do something and then I talk myself through it.
Yeah. And like stay empathetic. But I [00:07:00] did not do that this morning and I have not been doing that. I also have not been journaling. Yeah. And I'm like, whoa, was I fucking quick to trigger? You gotta keep journaling, you gotta keep doing the things that like keep you grounded. Um, because I think. The podcast is growing and there's just a lot of moving parts.
Yeah. And we're taking on more like responsibilities now too, and it's just, yeah, it's a learning process for sure. But I will say the thing that I am, like yesterday, the other day in our meeting, Anne was like, um. Let's go around and like say what we're grateful for. Mm-hmm. Which caught me off guard also.
And I never have anything prepared. I'm like, oh God, what? I don't like anything. I know what are all the things that I like, but I am like grateful for the relationship that I have with Arianne. Mm-hmm. And because like we went to college together and she's seen me through like at the beginning of my addiction and just getting back together.
And because we're both from the same culture of like dance Dance. Yeah. We know each other in a [00:08:00] different way. And so like when I text her and I'm like, oh fuck this. Mm-hmm. I think probably she gets a little stressed, but she also knows that like I'm gonna need her to be my point person sometimes. Mm-hmm.
That I just freak the fuck out on. Yeah. Not freak out on, but freak out too. Yeah. And then she can calm me down, but it's like. You really have to have that person. And my therapist is only with me on Thursdays. Yeah. So I'm like, who the fuck? You know? Yeah, I know. I'm like, I don't wanna like put so much shit on you.
Mm-hmm. Because you're my buddy. And then you know. Yeah. But you can like put some shit on me, like, don't mind. I did well this morning, it's fine. And then I spilt the gross drink everywhere. That was crazy. No, imagine if he dropped it literally in my mouth. I would've puked everywhere. How would that have happened?
You'd been lying on the floor. Yeah. That would've been horrible. Or what if like it s spillt and then I was like, ah. And then it went right into your mouth. Yeah. Kinda like how I got squirted on my face all the time. Yeah. I'm working on it still. Working on the squirt. Yeah. But I would say that the past week has been a lot, [00:09:00] but it also is a lot because we're working so hard.
Yeah. And we're doing so well. And like I'm so, like people are messaging us that I don't know who they are and it's so nice. Mm-hmm. And like everyone has their stories and I'm just like. Every single week. I'm so fucking grateful to like sit here and reflect on messages we've gotten from people. And I'm like, honestly?
Yeah, like I spelled something wrong and then I yelled at Anne, but it's falling. And guess what? You're probably gonna spell another thing wrong. I know. Like in a couple weeks, like it's just what People make mistakes. We're addicts. Like it's fine. I know we're not drinking. And that's all. That literally matters.
I know. That's the thing too, when there's like pressure. Yeah. And then I make a mistake. I'm like, see who the fuck thought that I was able to do this? Yeah. Like you are the problem. Yeah. And it's like, well. You said you could do it. Yeah. So do it. Yeah. But I am a little bit zing, zing, zing. But at the same time, I feel very excited.
Mm-hmm. Um, about like my life right now. Yeah. For so many reasons. Mm-hmm. Like, I'm so excited to go to like Zoe's [00:10:00] birthdays on Sunday. That's so exciting. Like I'm bringing a boy. Yeah. Like he made a ghost appearance in my TikTok the other day. Did you see that? I saw that. Very cute, very serious. However, I do miss you.
Yeah, I miss you. I think I was like hanging out with him this week and I was like. I should be was his weight. Who's this? Literally, who's this boy? Who's this guy? But it's been really nice and I feel good, and Arianne told me I seem grounded the other day. Oh, I'm sure she'll take that back immediately.
But I was like, yeah, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling excited. I'm not trying to convince myself that I liked this person. Yeah. Which I think I was doing in my last relationship. Yeah, I think so too. Yeah. I was trying to convince you to like him. Yeah. But no, I think I'm probably at like a six. Yeah. I think we're.
I think we're just starting to learn how to cope with all of this new energy Yeah. And organization and chaos in our lives. Yeah. Um, it's gonna take some time, but I think like it's, it's all worth it. Yeah. Because we love, we love [00:11:00] this, like, we care about this so much. Yeah. And we're doing it all sober.
Yeah. Like we're doing it all sober and like I will do, I will be stressed outta my fucking mind. Go to therapy mm-hmm. For the sake of other people finding us. Yeah. And like on like, just like, um, feeling seen. Yeah. Yeah. Feeling seen. That's nice. Well, yeah, like, I think I said this on recovering out loud, but.
My epiphany of why I was so anxious the past couple weeks. Mm-hmm. I come to the conclusion that it's just because I finally have something that I love. Yeah. And I've never like had a job that I actually cared about. Yeah. And I've never. Created anything that I truly mm-hmm. Loved and was proud of. And now that I have this and you and the pod, I'm guess I'm like scared that it's gonna be like taken away from you.
Yeah. Or I'm gonna fuck it up. Um, yeah. So I think that's just why I was so anxious the past couple weeks. But even [00:12:00] now knowing that I can like now reflect on it and just like be on the other side of things. Yeah. How did you come to that epiphany? I actually came to the epiphany randomly by myself. Oh, okay.
It wasn't you were talking your sponsor or anything? No. I talked to my sponsor the next day. Maybe it was because I knew I was gonna be talking to my sponsor soon that I was like trying to think to myself of why the fuck I've been acting so weird lately. Yeah. But yeah. Um, I loved hearing that on the pod actually, 'cause we haven't really talked about that.
Yeah. Um, I mean, we always say like, how's your mental, but yeah. It's like, oh yeah. How are you feeling about doing this? Yeah. Like it is, and you saying like, you've never had this like, feeling before. What about skating? Did you love skating? I don't know, because like, I loved it as a kid. Sure. And I loved it.
Throughout till grade eight. And then when I moved to Sarnia, I don't know if I loved it anymore. Okay. 'cause I think the reason I loved it so much in Oakville was [00:13:00] the coaches I had were amazing. Yeah. And it was like a community there that like I grew up with. And then as soon as I moved to Sarnia, it just like, it felt forced.
Yeah. Um, so I don't think I. Loved it. I was trying, I was trying to love it again. Yeah. But I wasn't really, and then I got into alcohol and drugs quickly and then it just became like a back burner. And that, that feels like community and love, to be honest. Yeah. Yeah. I um, I do wonder, it is interesting about like the environment and cultures we create in these things.
Like if you had gone to. Sarnia and like the skating there was like so fun and everyone was so welcoming and inclusive and the coaches were excited. Like I wonder if that would've changed. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. But that's also how I feel about kids. Like, you need idle hands. You need kids to be doing shit.
Yeah. You know? Well, in Sarnia I was like one of the best skaters, right? And then I had to go to a more competitive. Skating club in Strathroy, which was an hour from Sarnia. And then I was like the worst one there. Oh. So it was just like the, just [00:14:00] juxtaposition of both where like, oh good word. I don't know how to use that word.
I learned that word a lot at school for photography actually. Okay. 'cause they loved to throw around the word juxtaposition. Okay. Okay. I've kind of been like proposition, I've kind of been trying to use it my whole life. Mm-hmm. But I've never. I never know how, but I'm like, that's the one thing I'm good at.
Juxtaposition, juxta, possess. Mm-hmm. Juxta. Um, I love doing this pod and I have had that feeling before. Mm-hmm. And that was a really big reason for my drinking. Mm-hmm. When I gave up, when dance went away, when I lost it, that crushed me. I say that all the time. Mm-hmm. But I loved it so much. There's no greater feeling than like going to a room and creating.
Dance and like moving. I love it. Yeah. And so when I lost that, I'm like, okay, I might be sober now, but I, my whole life is filled with like nothing. I love. I think it's, it's really cool and it's something new in my life that, yeah, I maybe I [00:15:00] didn't think I ever like deserved. Mm-hmm. Or was gonna get. This in combination with my relationship.
Mm-hmm. Like that being so healthy and like lovable. Yeah. Like I don't think I ever thought I would have both of those things, let alone at the same time. Isn't it weird? It's so weird. It's really weird. Yeah. I also think that's how I feel about having you as a best friend. Yeah. And like. When you don't wanna lose the pod, I don't wanna lose our friendship.
Yeah. Like, I am like, okay, how do we make sure? And I think that's also why I get so stressed. Yeah. Because I'm like, I have to be able to be mad sometimes. Mm-hmm. But then when I'm not, when I come out of it, I'm like, oh God. Like is everyone, does everyone hate me? Yeah. But um, I'm not going anywhere babe.
It's probably because like, you have like lost friend. Yeah. Like a lot because Yeah. It sounds like you've been friends with shitty ass people. Well, yeah. And I think also with dance, you lose friends. Yeah. When you start to do well. Mm-hmm. Or when you start to not do well or like things like that. So I, I do feel like friendships are conditional.
Yeah. You know, not from me. Mm-hmm. But from other people, I feel like I'm a conditional friend. [00:16:00] Yeah. So that's part of my anxiety. But I will say that getting sober and being like, fuck, I don't know what I wanna do. I don't know if I wanna be sober. 'cause I don't wanna live in a world where I don't love anything.
Yeah. And I'm never gonna love. Anything the way I love dance when I was like 21. Yeah. So I'm like, okay, well then I guess my life is just gonna be shitty, but I am gonna be sober, so, oh, okay. Yeah. And then finding this, I'm, yeah. Fucking terrified. Yeah. Because I. Love it. Yeah. All I ever wanna do is like talk to people about their problems and like talk to my friends and basically have like sex through vulnerable talking.
Mm-hmm. It's like crazy, you know? But so nice. But yeah, that is a really nice thing to reflect on and I'm glad you said that. Yeah. On his pod. 'cause I was like, oh, I'm so glad. Aw. Uh, he was great. That was fun. Yeah. It was fun to be on someone else's podcast. Yeah. Um, what else is going on? Well, your birthday is coming up.
My birthday is coming up. So this will, yeah, this will air already. Yeah, we're gonna dinner. I'm so [00:17:00] excited. Yeah. Big dinner. Are we gonna go 15 people? Damn. Right. Out a room. How many people did you invite? 20. I probably invited like 25. Okay. Ish. And 15 plus partners or 15 altogether? 15 with the partners.
That's great. 15 friends is so many friends. I don't know if I, if I put a, a party together. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Currently I have six, seven. My sister six. Thanks Karen. Yeah. Oh yeah. This is great. Yeah, I'm excited. I wish that everyone could come. Yeah. But some people can't afford a dinner. Yeah. Which maybe don't drink for a couple days.
I know. But it's the whole story of my life. Not here nor there. I like never had money for taxes, but like I always had money for wine. Yeah. Never had money for food. Always wine, not stealing outta people's bags. That's neither here nor there, but I, um, sober News. News, there's a lot to talk about. Tana. Yeah.
Let's talk with Tana. Okay. So Tana [00:18:00] Mojo is, she's a vlogger YouTuber. She's only 27 years old. Yeah. She's had, she's her age. Yeah. And she, when, remember when Tana Con happened? She was like, I honestly don't, 21. Think I remember that era. I don't even know if she was 21. Yeah. Yeah. That was when I found out about her.
Mm-hmm. And I was like, who is this crazy girl on the internet? Yeah. And like, she is wild. Yeah. Um, like super big drinker party girl LA like mm-hmm. I mean. If you are watching a podcast, you know Tana. Yeah. But Tana went on, she's sober recently and she, she's a year sober. A year sober, but she smokes Weed, California sober.
Yeah. Yeah. And she did say that. Yeah. She's like, sometimes people get mad at me, which we can get into, but yeah, Tana, I watched her on, not skinny, but not fat podcast. Okay. And. You saw clips of the, I saw clips. Logan Paul l Podcast on Logan Paul and like the not skinny, not fat. Okay. So I like her. I like her too.
Tana, you wanna come on the podcast? I, I will say Tana [00:19:00] triggered me. Yeah. And I think for a long time, 'cause I've watched, like, I didn't like watch Tana regularly. Like I'm not a Tana person, but like I did watch some of the episodes with her and Brooke. Okay. Like their podcast? Yeah. And kind of just like throughout the time.
Yeah. But I always felt a little triggered by her because she was so loose with her drinking and drugs. Mm-hmm. And the way she talks about things and like vaping and like mm-hmm. Even when I was drinking, I was like, you're being so obvious about this. Mm-hmm. And it's like kind of gross. Yeah. Now that she's sober and hearing her talk on this podcast, I was like, oh, there you are.
Yeah. That's who I like. Yeah. I knew I liked something about you, but you were so triggering to me. And I'm like, ah, Tana. It was just so like cringey and annoying. Yeah. I think. Yeah. 'cause you could tell it wasn't her probably. Yeah. Like she was being this alter ego self. Um, and now yeah, she seems great.
Like she's still crazy and wild. Yeah. But in a tamed way. [00:20:00] Yeah. Um, not trying to, she's a relationship act like something someone that she's not. Yeah. You know, it's, it's very cool to see that she is still Tan Mojo. Yeah. I don't even, is that how you say her name? I so, but it's just like. Tamed back a tiny little bit because she's not fucked up all the time.
Yeah. And she, she even says like, she was drinking all day, every day. Yeah, yeah. Like even on the tours, she'd choice and not a drink of choice. Be blackout during the tour, which is so funny. Yeah. And um, I love that. Not skinny, but not fat was like, what was your drink of choice? And she was like, oh, wouldn't that have been nice?
Yeah. She's like, I drank everything. Yeah. But. She did say that when she moved to LA she was dating Bella Thorn at the time. Okay. And Bella Thorne was kind of the reason she moved over to LA 'cause she was like, okay, you gotta take this seriously and come be an influencer or blogger or whatever. Yeah. And so she did.
But at that time, like Bella Thorn was super polarizing, right? Like, so she walks into a room, everyone looks, they're giving her alcohol, they're giving her coke. Like there's Tana. A, the fear didn't [00:21:00] seem like it was there, and B, it just seemed like it was so accessible. And she was such a young girl. She's only 27.
Yeah. And she was like, people love to go do co cocaine with me in the bathroom. Damn. Well she had a bunch of trauma happen with her parents. They sued her at 21 and got a bunch of money from her. She left her family at 13. Yeah. 'cause they were like narcissistic abusers. Yeah. Which is like at 13 to be able to like.
Probably didn't recognize the, that language. Mm-hmm. But to be like, something is wrong. Mm-hmm. It's not my fault I gotta go. Mm-hmm. Is like someone who's been on this earth before. I'm like, how did you do that? Yeah. And she met this guy, like one of her best friends now, and like they lived together. Like she lived with his family and like, that's her family.
Mm-hmm. But I'm like, Tana. No shit. Yeah. Like you were, had such trauma at a young age, moved with a family that is not your own. Moved to LA and then were just kind of like swept [00:22:00] up in all this crazy shit. Yeah, of course, of course. You turned to alcohol. I um, it's very interesting. It's like if Tana Mo joking get sober, you can get sober too.
Holy shit. Like holy shit. That is really true. Yeah. 'cause I wonder how many friends she's. Going to realize are not her friends because she's not drinking. Oh, I would love to talk to her about that. Yeah. Like how many friends did she have to cut out? Yeah. So many I And I imagine probably, I would assume, I would assume too, I imagine in that world also, people are your friends because of your clout.
Yeah. And so I wonder if that was an easier way for her to like. Understand who her friends are. Did she say that her boyfriend helped her, got so, helped her get sober? Like what did she Maa? I actually don't know. I didn't hear her say that. I don't know either. 'cause like I wonder what the turning point was for her.
She said, okay, wait, I have this written down. But she did say, she's like, one day I woke up. Yeah. And I looked at myself in the mirror and I said, you're gonna lose. Everything you love. Yeah. You're gonna lose everybody. You're gonna lose this huge career mm-hmm. That you've built and [00:23:00] worked on your whole life.
You're gonna lose it. And that was like, she had that weird sobriety. Yeah. What do I call it that, like, um, yeah. Uh, re revelation. Yeah. Like a, like a sober revelation where she was like, I gotta stop. Yeah. And then I think she was like in and out, she said for like two to three years. She was like, I wanted to be sober.
Yeah. 'cause she would go on stints of like being sober for a month or two, I think. Yeah. And then like, start drinking again. She said, and this was like very relatable. Mm-hmm. But only to early drinking me. Mm-hmm. Where she would do like, like you said, like stints. Yeah. Like she would do 75 hard. Yeah. And which is no drinking.
Working out every day, I think. Working out everything. Yeah. And like probably like a food plan or something. Yeah. For 75 days. And at the end of those 75 days, she was like, people were batting down my door because Tana's drinking again. Yeah. Anyway, I like the 75 hard thing that she said. Mm-hmm. Because I was like, that's addiction.
Mm-hmm. All or nothing mentality. Yeah. You're in or you're out. She's not drinking for 75 days. She's already made that choice. I'm like, this is such addictive behavior. [00:24:00] And when I was doing shit like that with like food, I'm like, I should have known. Yeah. I don't know. Look into your 75 hard friends on this podcast.
Um, Tana says, she's asked the question, are you sober? Sober forever? Yeah. And she was, I saw this clip. Yeah. And she said, yeah, yeah. She was like, yeah, I think so. And I'm like, fuck yeah, Tana. Yeah. She said, I think 50% of people think you can learn. And these are just, it's Tana, so she's just making up percentages, but she's like, I think 50% of people.
Think that you can learn to drink in moderation. Mm-hmm. Like moderation can be taught. Mm-hmm. And then the other 50% of people think it's genetic, like a genetic trait, a genetic disease, whatever. Alcohol and. She said, she was like, you know, maybe there's a world. Mm-hmm. Somewhere down the line where my life is completely different and I'm like a really good mom.
Mm-hmm. And like, maybe I can drink. And I was like listening to this podcast and I was like, oh, almost. I was like, so [00:25:00] close. But. I kind of find it interesting to look at her where she's at in her sobriety. Well, it's also interesting because we do know a lot of people like need to think in that way to be able to be sober.
Okay. In the now, like, you know, um, I forget who we had on, but someone was like, I need to be sober for now. I can't think about like, oh, maybe one day in the future I'll be able to drink, but for now, but for now I need to be sober. So maybe that's like a part. Of her way to maintain her sobriety. Yeah. To like be like, oh, who know?
Who knows? Maybe one day I can drink, but I, yeah. Which I guess is similar to the one day at a time. Yeah. 'cause it's just like in increments, it's like that's the future maybe, but like not now. Yeah. And then maybe in the future you won't want to drink. And that's the goal, right? Yeah. Like right now, why the fuck would I want to drink?
Mm-hmm. Like it won't serve me any good. Yeah. But in the early sobriety, you can't see that at all. You can't see it. And then one day you wake up and you're like. Fuck. No. I don't want booze. No. And also the understanding that [00:26:00] like even if I'm 20 years sober mm-hmm. And my life is completely different and I'm a mom.
Mm-hmm. Oh, I can't drink. Yeah. If I drink, I'm going right back to 21-year-old Heather, and we're going to the clubs and it's going to be bad. Yeah. But I, it's just interesting how people get sober in different ways. Mm-hmm. I'm never drinking again. I know that if I have to get sober, I'm gonna be sober. 100%.
Mm-hmm. She's California sober. Some people are like one day at a time. Exactly. Some people are like, well, maybe I will drink. Some people do. Well, and that's where we were gonna talk about the sober, um, sober guides. What was it? Oh, sober coaches. Sober coaches. Where that, yeah. That's why that scares me because they're teaching something so linear.
Mm-hmm. When sobriety is so different for every single person. Yeah. So a sober guide saying you have to do this, this, this, this, and this. Yeah. That doesn't work for everybody because we know everyone's sobriety is different. Yeah. And that's what scares me. And if I were to like, okay, [00:27:00] everyone needs to pay a thousand dollars a month to talk to me.
Yeah. You have to do exactly what I did. No, it's not gonna work. Yeah, because everyone's sobriety is different. Yeah, I agree. And I think like, um. The reason we brought this up is 'cause we saw someone ish. There is somebody that's like in the programs and is now starting their own. Right. I don't know if they're in the program.
Okay. But there's a bunch of, there's a bunch of sober creators. Mm-hmm. On TikTok or Instagram that have like a sober, it's it called Sober guide. Yeah. Sober guide. Right. That have a sober guide that you have to pay for. Right. And what do you think about that? Okay. Multiple things. Yeah. I think it's the same with chiropractors.
Yeah. Sometimes there's really good ones who believe in it, and sometimes people just choose a job. Mm-hmm. I think that in any situation where you're helping, you're in the helping field and you're like asking for money, there's an agenda being pushed and it, [00:28:00] it does worry me. Mm-hmm. However.
I think it's just such in opposition to aa. Yeah. Right, because AA is like, you don't take money from anything. Yeah. Right. Speakers at speaker meetings. Yeah. At conventions don't take money or they're not supposed to or whatever. Yeah. Well, I. So my first thing is like, oh, that's a fucking easy way out. Like there's so many people that I went to rehab with that they were like, oh, I wanna like work at a rehab.
I wanna be a counselor. I wanna be a therapist now. That's what I was thinking too, and I didn't know what to do. Yeah. Then go to school. Yeah. Okay. But then this is like an easy way out to like not go to school for three years and to just like get people's money because you're sober now. Yeah. It seems like a loophole that.
It just seems like, like for the s kind of, yeah. Yeah. It's like making money off of people's sicknesses really? Yeah. I think there's a few things because I didn't, I don't go to aa. Mm-hmm. So that's not like paying for [00:29:00] sober help isn't, um, super polarizing. Mm-hmm. To me, because I went to rehab mm-hmm. And I paid a lot of money to go to rehab.
Yeah. I think. In terms of like, it's like life coaching, right? Yeah. And I, I think that's fucking stupid too. I think that's stupid too. But I think that there also are therapists who go into life coaching, so Yeah. It's like your credentials. It's your, I think, yeah. I think if they have the proper training, yeah.
Then yes, sure. But you have to look into that training and I would. Be wary of like if their teaching is so linear. Mm-hmm. Because sobriety is so broad. Yeah. As we're now learning with the podcast, to be honest. Yeah. But yeah, AA is like, you go like it's free. People pass it down to each other for free and you're supposed to give it to people for free.
Like a lot, like my sponsor, I'm sure she meets with at least like three women. I know for hour she'd be rolling in the cash. Yeah. You know? [00:30:00] But it's not about that. Yeah, and going back to the conventions, I have heard rumors that sometimes they do conventions and they do pay the speakers, which is like so not right, because the whole thing is, I wonder how that goes if the speaker is like, I want money for this.
Or if they're like, we're gonna offer you money. Oh yeah. Just because you're sober doesn't mean you're a good person. And some people ask for money. Yeah. You know? That's true. I do think also. AA is not for everybody. Mm-hmm. I think also too, we're in the city, so you can kind of go to an AA meeting where you're not gonna know anybody.
Yeah. I don't know. I, I also think like a sober coach depending on what they do. Mm-hmm. Personally, I think you should go to rehab if you're paying for, so like for sober coaching, I think you should go to rehab 'cause it's just better. But I would be interested to like. See if a sober coach has like worked for anybody and like what they really do.
Like do they give you homework? I would assume so, right? Well, yeah, that's what I'm wondering. So like if there's a sober coach out there, come on and chat with us because I'm not super against it because I know in [00:31:00] my early sobriety. Uh, in rehab, we basically had someone waking us up mm-hmm. And holding our hand and bringing us to breakfast.
Yeah. And having us learn these things and then like checking in. And I understand that sometimes as a person with depression, I cannot get outta bed. Yeah. I can't, like, I can't function and I can't text back. Mm-hmm. And so if there is somebody in place to help you Yeah. And to be your buddy. Because you don't have sober companions 'cause you don't go to aa.
Mm-hmm. Like maybe it's not the worst thing to pay someone to hang out with you. Mm-hmm. Who emulates or who has a lifestyle that you want to emulate. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Maybe that works. Yes. There's gonna be fucking weirdos out there. Yeah. But. If you don't have a sober companion. If you don't have sober friends.
Yeah. If you're a man and you don't know how to make sober friends or a woman. Yeah. It's like that's not the worst thing paying for a friend. That's what my mom always used to say about me, that we pay all the neighborhood kids to play with me. There is a [00:32:00] sliver of it that like makes me feel optimistic about it.
Mm-hmm. For sure. Like I'm not totally against it. Yeah. I'm sure there's some that are great. Just, but we bring it back to community, right? Like that's one person. Yeah. It's not a community of people that are gonna help you. And it's not really like this one person isn't a community anyways because you're paying for that person.
Yes. Yes, I agree. I think, yep. I Maybe if you don't have access to community or you don't know how, or you're an introvert mm-hmm. Or you're not good at it. Mm-hmm. I wouldn't, maybe if they like, give you ways to like go and find other companions and like have a community of people who support you. I'm hoping that's what it would be.
Right. Because a life coach is like supposed to take you around and like help you just kind is it. Let's go like, or is it like virtual? Like do this, this and this. Well, I remember when Rob Kardashian had a life coach, he was coming to his house and waking him up in the morning. Oh really? Mm-hmm. I think it depends.
I'm sure there's layers. If you pay someone a thousand dollars, I'm sure they'll wipe your ass. True. But I don't know. [00:33:00] That's not for sobriety though. That feels like something else, but yeah. Interesting. Mm-hmm. It seems like an easy way to get money and to like, yeah. Prey on newly sober people. And that's why I, I guess I'm just skeptical because I don't want anyone to be taken advantage of.
Yeah. Um, or anyone to like. PR pry on these newly sober people. Yeah. Take all their money. Like, I don't know. Yeah. I think like that's the worry for sure. And I think that that is like, that's addiction. Addict addicts are so vulnerable. Yeah. To spending too much money on shit. To not have to fix their addiction or to fix their addiction.
Yeah. 'cause it's also like. The point of being a sober person is like, we have done so much work. Yeah. You've done so much work. Is this sober guide just doing all the work for you and like now are you leaning on someone else mm-hmm. To have their, your sobriety. Yeah. [00:34:00] Like you're supposed to have your sobriety yourself, not lean on someone else for your sobriety.
Yes. Good point. So I think that's also where I'm like, but also in the beginning. Mm-hmm. Trauma bonding or like, um. Being codependent with another sober person mm-hmm. Often happens. And it, it can be really helpful. Right? Yeah. Like, we kind of both did it. And then I think of you as my sober compan and I really lean on heavily.
Yes. And I, I, yeah. I mean, if you don't, if the person in the best case scenario, and thats why, if it's free, right? Like we're, yeah. We have a free relationship. Yes, yes. People have to work and live. But if you're paying someone, I know you're putting all this money into it. Yeah. You, there's gotta be a disconnect there.
I think. I like it as like, like if we got outta rehab and we had like an assigned sober buddy mm-hmm. That we were meeting for coffee with every day. I'd love that. Mm-hmm. Kind of like that. It is like a sponsor, but it is like a sponsor. But you're getting paid, but you're paying your [00:35:00] sponsor, which like I've tried to like ask my sponsor for if I can pay them.
Pay for a coffee for them, like multiple times. And they like, deny, deny, denied. Don't really, you're not allowed to pay anything. Oh God. Yeah. You're like, so it's like, she's like, I have, I have no money on me. I just got robbed. And you're like, that's too bad babe. That's too bad you don't get any coffee.
That, that sucks. Um, I don't know. It's just, yeah, it's like, it's the, the basic boundaries of it. But I think it's just different from aa. I think life coaching is such a big thing and people, I think people don't go to therapy because, you know, who's like this May Martin, may Martin won't go to regular.
Talk therapy because they think it's like cringey and weird and uncomfortable to like sit across from someone. Right. So they have a life coach. Got it. I mean, they also just went to like, um, Joshua Tree together Yeah. For a week. So I'm like, mm. No, but I think people like, like a coach. Yeah. And I think if someone is like, if, you know, you need to be motivated mm-hmm.
And you know you're spending money and if that person isn't [00:36:00] a twerp Yeah. Like, if they're not just a scammy person. Maybe. Maybe it's not the worst thing. I think it could be good. Yeah. It's just like, I think it could be good. I would just be like very skeptical to like, make sure you like find the right person, I guess, and make sure it feels right and make sure you're still doing your sobriety for yourself.
Yeah. And not for them. Yeah. To like be proud of you or whatever. Mm-hmm. I don't know. Yeah. I think with sobriety you want to feel safe and in control as you possibly can and like you're living your life. And if a sober coach is something. If you meet someone that's good and they are like helping you live your life, it's not the worst thing.
It's not the worst thing. No, it's not. Not everyone has a Zoe, you know? Not everyone has a Zoe who's like, hi, you need to go outside, or you're gonna turn into like Frankenstein. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And you got my check last week, right? I am. Thank you so much, mommy. You're welcome. You so much. Welcome. So one of my biggest insecurities in life is.[00:37:00]
My inability to be well, okay. Actually there's multiple things. I'm not a tidy person. She says this, but like, I've never came into her house and thought, oh my God, this is a shit show. Like, who is living in this mess? I've never thought that. Also, Heather took, it took like a year for you to invite me over to your house.
Yes. Yeah, it did. It did. I'm, I don't, a, I, I don't. I don't know how to keep things nice and cute. And a big insecurity of mine is that like I, this is stupid. I look like the kind of person whose house should be nice and it's not. And I don't know who's putting that on me except for myself. Mm-hmm. But I also hate.
That I cannot decorate for the life of me. Were Was your room as a child, Bessie? Yes. Yes. Okay. And then one time my dad was like, if you don't know where to put your clothes, put them on the chair. And I said, the chair is the catchall forever. Yeah. [00:38:00] My room in college was so fucking crazy. Sometimes I would miss class because I couldn't find my keys because they were under a pile of shit.
Yeah. I don't know. I've You've never been messy like that. I've been messy, but not to the point. Oh, this is what I was gonna ask you. Mm-hmm. Do you think part of your messiness is because of like your A DHD or something like that? Yes. Oh yeah. I like hate to do a task. It's task. It's task. Well, yeah, because sometimes I come down the stairs and I'm like, who the fuck made this mess?
Yeah. And I'm like, oh. Mm-hmm. Like my house goes upside down in two seconds, but I'm dating somebody who is like very cool. I'm like desensitized to Zoe being in my house now. 'cause she comes here and she opens the fridge, which is my nightmare. 'cause also I don't eat food. So the food that's in my fridge, it's not great.
I know. I open the fridge and then I look at her and she's like, yeah. It's like I'm doing it. I know. I'm like, I hate his exposure therapy. Mm-hmm. But this guy that I'm dating has like said a few things about my house. [00:39:00] Mm-hmm. And I'm so insecure. And then he, his house is really cool. Mm-hmm. Like it's so curated and cozy and we were hanging out.
Here, and he was like, you have to. Start living in this house because it looks like no one lives here. Mm. And I was like, honestly, I cried because I was like, I don't wanna talk about this at all. Like, I hate it. I hate that I don't have my shit together in that way. I hate coming home and not loving where I live, but the place that I live in is so beautiful.
Yeah. And I feel like when people walk into this place, they always go like, oh, if I lived here, this is what I would do. Mm-hmm. And I wanna be like, then fucking take it because I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry. Like, I feel. So embarrassed and stupid that my house isn't cool or cute and it drives me nuts.
But this is what's confusing to me because I don't see anything wrong with the house. Like you're, well, the carpet down, your man just wants you to decorate more. Well, my carpet downstairs is organize everything a bit more. Yes, but my carpet downstairs is stained from Nike. [00:40:00] Right. And like there's just nothing like I, it just looks like a.
Someone just moved in. Mm-hmm. And I don't know, it's just always been such an insecurity of mine, or it's like, where did you get that? And I'm like, no. Literally, it's just like painted wood. It's nothing. Yeah. And I haven't been open to that conversation at all. Mm-hmm. Except finally he brought it up and he was like, I know you're not happy here because he said this to you too.
Restaurant. He was like, when I open your drawers, he's like, if you didn't care, you would just be like, oh yeah, there's no spoons in the cutlery drawer. They're over there in the sink. Yeah. But he's like, you do care. 'cause when I or Zoe open something, you fucking panic. Yeah. And he's like, so you're not comfy.
Yeah. And I'm like, okay. I actually think I am ready to have this conversation. Mm-hmm. Because it makes me feel like a fucking junkie. What if you like got one of those organizer people, like, you know how they have some of the Instagrams and all they do is go to people's houses and they organize everything.
Would you be really [00:41:00] scared if someone came in and did that to you? Yeah. Terrifying. Really? Like, yes. It scares me so much and I just am like every drawer in my kitchen. Because you're embarrassed. Yeah. Yeah. So embarrassed. Mm-hmm. I'm, and it's like I'm a baby from the woods. Like I don't know why I can't put things.
My cutlery drawer is the junk drawer. Mm-hmm. And I. So, do you know that episode in friends where Monica like has that closet? Yes. Where it's like she puts everything random into it? Yes. That was So is that relatable? Every drawer in your house, basically? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I put every, like I just mash. Yeah.
Because I'm like stressed and then I'm sweating and then you come over and I'm like, I'm fine. I'm like, I just did a whole run out. But I, yeah, it is something that's been, it weighs on me every week. Yeah. Every Thursday night I am panicking about cleaning this place up and. But I, but he also said to me, he's like, if you have things in here you love Yeah.
You'll probably respect them. Yeah. He's like, but nothing in here except for the couch. He's like, nothing in here you like. Mm-hmm. And I [00:42:00] felt the reason I'm bringing it up is because I felt like he looked inside my body. Mm-hmm. And I was like terrified. Mm-hmm. It was so exposing that now someone else is seeing that I'm sick.
Yeah. Is what it feels like. Mm-hmm. It feels very much like the eating disorder where someone's like. They heard me say, oh, I already ate, and they're with me. And they're like, no, you didn't. Yeah. And I'm like, oh shit. Like, I don't know where the lies are. I don't know which cabinets are full. And it just felt like in that moment I was like, oh, I have no choice.
I'm caught. Yeah. You know? But I didn't feel in trouble. I just felt like shame. Yeah. But then the next day I was like, yeah. Did you like that? He called you out on it? Yeah, I did. Yeah. And I felt like it was a big fucking swing. Yeah. Because I've been like. I'm very particular. Mm-hmm. But I also felt like he read the room so well.
Yeah. And he was like, this is a good time to insert myself. Yeah. And it was nice. I was like, okay, that's interesting. That's every now and then someone can say something to me that like is about my [00:43:00] insecurity and how to fix it. And I'm like, okay. Be receptive. Yeah. Take it. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think your plan is moving forward?
Well, I know what I want to do. He's already been like, okay, these are the two places we're gonna go and buy stuff, but I wanna get like a, like a burgundy rug. Mm-hmm. Like something deeper and warmer. Mm-hmm. I wanna like, maybe he said he'd get me a plant. Mm-hmm. But I said, then you have to be its dad.
'cause I don't know how to do that. I kill everything. You just gotta pick a day and water it. On Sundays. I would love to pick a day, but yeah. All of my days are so chaotic. But it is nice. It, it felt that conversation that, is this a boring conversation? I don't think so. Okay. I felt like that conversation was really necessary for me and I was proud of myself for being receptive to it because the next day I like got rid of a bunch of bullshit in my house.
Mm-hmm. I was like, Marie Koning. I was like, this brings me no joy. Yeah. But, and do you think like. It's probably triggering too because you moved [00:44:00] here like what, three months sober? Yeah. So you probably just bought a bunch of bullshit. Oh yeah. Oh my God. All this stuff. 'cause you were like newly sober. Yeah.
And you didn't know. You didn't know anything. You were three months sober. No. No. So those like, so probably like looking at these things that you bought when you were newly sober, you're like, what the fuck? I don't like that. Totally. Like I just bought it because I was manic and needed something to fill up the space.
Well, my dad too. My dad was like, we're gonna decorate. Mm-hmm. And like that painting that was like his choice, like the mm-hmm. Like so many things. He was just like, we're gonna do it altogether. Yeah. It wasn't your choice. No, but it was a little bit, but at that time I was like, yeah, I'm an addict. Yeah. And I'm like, I just wanna live in a clean girl house.
Yeah. So like, make it. Minimal. Yeah. And then I jam it with all of my shit. But I do feel like this is the time that I put some energy towards my house. And I know some of you're feeling that too with your messy homes, but it is a lot of shame. I think it's the same way people feel when they don't know how to dress themselves.
They don't know how to put outfits together in a cool way. Yeah. Yeah. That [00:45:00] is, feels the same. So I think that this is important for everybody because it is. Important to make your home feel like home. Yeah. If you're newly sober. If you're not sober at all. Like, everyone deserves to have a place feel like home when they come home to it.
Yeah. Um, and not like, hate being in your space because if you. Like being in your space, you feel comfy and cozy and happy. Yeah. But if you despise being at home, like that's no way to live. Well that's what I was thinking too. I was like, oh yeah. When I come home, I just live here. Yeah. Like I don't even cook in my kitchen.
Yeah. Like I literally just live here with a roof over my head. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, why? Like I am successful. I'm nice. I'm working hard. Mm-hmm. Give it a little judge babe. I think, um, I. A lot of the furniture in my condo, my parents did buy as well. Mm-hmm. I've bought in a few, bought in, bought boughten. No, I really think it's a [00:46:00] word guys.
It's not a word. Boughten. She makes themm and then gaslights all of you, even though she's wrong. So I bought a few things for the condo. Ooh. But. I feel the same way in a way that I never cook at my condo, ever. Like I, I know when I came over in the summer and I opened your fridge and it was just bubbly waters.
I was like my sister. Yeah. Yeah. I've been heating up soup for a few weeks now. Well, that's great. But I think when my boyfriend moves in, it will be a great opportunity to learn how to cook together because he doesn't cook either. Oh, okay. Um, so I think like that will be. That is definitely my goal going into the new year, is to cook at home with my boyfriend.
Okay. And not order out every fucking day, every day, every day, every day, every day. You live in the city. Every day. It's almost easier because I am. Would only be cooking for myself. Yeah. I can't stand when I grocery shop and then a week [00:47:00] goes by and I didn't eat all the spinach or like the RAs.
Raspberries are gone bad. And I'm like, fuck, now I have to throw it out. I know. I hate wasting food. I think it's because my dad hates wasting food. He would always like eat all of everybody's meal. We called him like the garbage can because whatever we didn't eat, he would just eat it because his parents forced him to eat everything.
Okay. And that's why he's a little bit chubby. He's trying to deal with that now. He actually doesn't need to finish everything on his plate. He's learning. He's growing. Yeah. That's childhood stuff. Yeah. Yeah. But, and I think that's why I don't like wasting food. He's learning, he's shrinking. He's, uh, no. But yeah, I think that's definitely a goal for me.
And I think when he moves in. It's gonna be chaotic to try to find room for all of our clothes because like he's a little fashion boy too. He has a lot of clothes. I know. He's so cute. So I think in the new year for both of us, like we're gonna be trying to [00:48:00] figure out how you should be romantic and build him an armoire with your own two hands.
Well, we are gonna like build him like a little bit of a closet. What's an armi Like? A big fancy closet. That's, that sounds like, um. What's that guy? Anwar? He does like the videos on YouTube. Oh, no. Which, which guy? Which guy? Which videos? He's like, um, vinyl videos. It's just, just few. Oh, I don't know any of this.
No. Oh, we are inside the YouTube artwar. I'll show you later. Okay. Um, but yeah, I think it's important. For anyone to make their home feel cozy. Yeah, I agree. It's, it's something I've never done. I don't know if it's like a, I don't feel, do you think I deserve it? I, that's exactly what I was gonna say. I also don't know what I like, to be honest with you.
I get this like mental block where I'm like thinking about things. I'm like, oh, I really like that. And then I'm like, yeah, but how would I make that work? Or like, that's not gonna, I don't know. Very stressful for me, for my place. It's all windows, so I don't really have to like, put [00:49:00] up a bunch of shit. Well, yeah.
I have like two walls. Well, you know what, you could ask, uh, Scorpio pokes to paint you something if you wanted. I have a painting of hers in my bedroom. Oh my God. Yeah. That would be cool. Yeah, I um, it's just like a new thing. It's something I've really been avoiding mm-hmm. For so long. Um, and I don't wanna work on my eating right now, so I'm gonna work on my house.
Well, your new man has been putting food in front of you and I think in my mouth, I think it's gonna be good. Your eating is fine. And now it's just like, I think it would be great to hire someone to come in and organize all your, um, drawers, cabinets, and drawers. Yeah. I'm sure you have five of everything somewhere in this house.
Yeah. And then I have like one spoon. Yeah. Yeah. I think that would be a good. Good goal too. Yeah, it is a good goal. I think that's a good, I hope I like, can keep my motivation and I want, by the end of December I want to have a new rug in my living room. Okay. That is like my goal. I want a rug and then like.
One [00:50:00] other thing, like maybe a plant, something that's like showing change. Yeah. You know, I went to the Avenue daughter the other day, the antique store that I'm obsessed with. Yeah. And I was talking to her about all of my qualms and I was like, I don't know what to do. You're so cool. I want you to help me.
Yeah. And she said, okay. Oh nice. So I got that picture downstairs, that vampire one. Yeah. It's really cool. Yeah. Should I share about, um. Someone, my brother's friend. Yes. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. That's not the first thing I said to you when you walked in today. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Yeah. You literally are devil.
No, literally my, um, one other thing I wanted to mention was that my brother's friend, I don't know why I'm gonna, how should I bring it up? Just like randomly. Um. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Like there's no real good way to bring you Yeah. There's no, there's no, um, transition moment for this, but yeah. Um, my dad texted me yesterday saying that my brother's friend died of [00:51:00] an OD a couple days ago, maybe.
Mm-hmm. Um, my brother just found out and texted my dad, and then my dad texted me, and it's the guy that. They played lacrosse together in Sarnia and he would always be at the house. I think he um Oh, you like know this person? Yeah. Oh shit. He was a ginger. Oh yeah. One of ours. One of ours. Just kidding. We dye our hair.
Stop saying We're building a brand. We're building a brand. Um. Then my dad called me and he was just talking about it and then he said that he's just really grateful that that wasn't me who died because it really could have been. Yeah. You know, it's, it puts into perspective how close to home that is.
Yeah. Even though he saw what you were doing, and especially because my dad like treated this guy like a son sometimes. Like he would stay at the house all the time. Yeah. So I'm sure that really hit my dad. Yeah. You know. Holy shit. I'm sure it's hitting my brother. Um, but I guess talked, [00:52:00] they found, I texted my brother.
He just said that he doesn't know how to Okay. Take it in. Talk about right now. Yeah. Um, but I think, I don't know if this is true or not, but they found him outside of like a wedding that he went to. Oh. Which. Triggered me so much because I went to my ex-boyfriend's cousin's wedding back in the day and I got so fucked up at that wedding.
They found me outside of the wedding as well, in like the bushes. I was just gonna say probably in a few past the fuck out. So. That literally could have been me. How did, why did you go out there by yourself? Think, I don't know. Okay. No idea. Okay. Just probably a drunk walk. Yeah, A drunk walk. Probably had a cigarette.
Probably said, fuck the world. I'm leaving. Gonna go hang out with my real friends, animal animals. My vodka, my cigarette. Yeah, my animals. Oh shit. Okay. I am so fucking sorry to hear that. That's horrible. Um, do you know what it was? Some sort of drugs. Yeah. I don't know. Do, did you know that he was doing drugs?
Well, I [00:53:00] think that it's been a few years that he's been down this path. Okay. Um, like as an addict. Yeah. Yeah. He wasn't always like this, but I think it's a few years have gone by where it's been continually like this. Yeah. Um, but yeah, it's just like, it really, it really was close to home and I'm really. I guess I'm just.
I was happy that my dad called me and told me that too. Yeah. You know? Yeah. My dad doesn't say much to me, so that was like a cute thing that he did. It's a lot for dads and for men. Mm-hmm. It's just a lot for them. And your dad was not given any tools to like be able to show that kind of emotion and when the emotion is about your kid, maybe mm-hmm.
Gonna die. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That is so confusing. Right. But I think he's trying his best. Yeah. Which from those texts, that's what it feels like. But I hope your brother's okay. That's, is this like the first friend he's lost? No, he's lost a couple. Really? Really? Remember the one her, [00:54:00] his ex-girlfriend killed herself?
Oh yeah. Holy shit. We gotta get outta Sarnia. Literally. Damn. Um, I went to other ship last night. Okay. It was really good. We did a class, and the class is like visualization, right? You have to like think about someone you love and then think about someone you hate and give them the same amount of like empathy and compassion, whatever.
I love that. Right. I didn't think about you, about the someone I love. Sorry. Oh, oh my God. But I thought you were gonna say, but I did think about someone I hate. No, but when they said someone I hate, I couldn't think of anybody. Oh. But then I immediately just started thinking of alcohol and then started thinking about like myself drinking.
Oh. And that was interesting to like kind of heal that too. Yeah. So, I don't know, like I fucking love other shit. I'm not going. Yeah. I like That's kind of like therapy though, right? It's kind. It was like a group therapy. Yeah. Everyone had to picture someone that they hated. Everyone got to talk about it after too.
Oh really? [00:55:00] They open it up kind of like a meeting after. And you're in the frozen pond at this point? We're in the sauna. Oh, you're in the sauna? Yeah. Okay. 'cause I can't do any thinking when I'm in the tub. No, you don't think in the tub? I can't. I hate it. It's too cold. Too cold. That's really great. I think.
Um, I do that in therapy sometimes. I don't do it that much where I like, yeah, it was cool to like imagine me just in pain, like being a drunk idiot and like giving her compassion and love too. Yeah. Because Yeah, everyone deserves it. Even if like someone stupid that we hate for a second, like they were just, they're trying their best.
Everyone's trying their best. Yeah. So just be a little bit more loving to everybody. You know what, everyone's trying their best and like we are also trying our own individual best. And I think empathy is, to your point, I think it's easier to give it out. Yeah. Like who do you hate that person? Great empathy.
Yeah. But when it's to yourself, because you are yourself. It's like, well, I know me. I don't have to do that. Exactly. It's like, whoa, there's a child living inside your body. Mm-hmm. Who does not [00:56:00] know mm-hmm. That they're good enough. Yeah. Or does not know that they're okay. Or there's a fucking alcoholic 26-year-old living in my body who literally thinks she's a piece of fucking shit and should die.
Mm-hmm. So it's like every now and then, check back in and be like, Hey, love you. You're fine. It's almost more important to show yourself empathy and gratitude and love than it is to show other people it. Well. You are the one that you're stuck with forever. Our mom, RuPaul always says, if you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love someone else?
Can I get an amen up in here? Amen. January 2nd is the new season, and I cannot fucking wait. Oh my God. No. I'm so pumped, guys. Wait, should that be part of our sober Fridays? Should we watch Drag Race together? Fuck yes. Okay. Fuck yes. Does it come out Fridays? It? Yeah, it used to. Yeah. That it should be. It should.
And I, obviously, I have all these subscriptions. Perfect. Watch a lot of tv. Is there anything else we need to talk about? Anything else we need to talk about? No. Thank you all so much, always for listening and for. [00:57:00] Writing in and texting. Yeah, it's So we have an anonymous call. Yes, we have. You can give us a message or ask us a question on Undrunk Anonymous.
Mm-hmm. It's in our link on our Instagram and TikTok. Yes. Say whatever you want. Rant to us about anything or ask us like deep personal questions and we will answer them in probably like a couple weeks. We're gonna do a holiday episode. Um, yeah. Yeah. Ask away. Yeah. We're gonna do a holiday episode. We're going to, I don't know what we're gonna do yet, but we're gonna answer some questions.
Mm-hmm. So, yeah, if you have like a fun story too. It doesn't just have to be question. Yeah, yeah. It can be something like that happened to you around the holiday. Yes. Yeah. Um, something that triggers you around this time. Mm-hmm. And we can kind of like try to help you out. Oh yeah. Questions about, um, going to Christmas or going to holidays sober.
Yeah. Or having a friend that's sober and you're not all kinds of things. You could ask whatever you want. We're here. Yeah. And it's anonymous. And it's anonymous, so yeah, so no one will ever know it's you. So go to [00:58:00] Girl Undrunk Podcast on Instagram, and it's under our link tree, and you'll see it right there.
Perfect. Okay. Perfect. Well, thank you guys so much. We'll see you next week. I'm proud of you. Proud of you. Proud of you. Proud of you. Love you. Love you. Bye.
Thanks for listening to Girl Undrunk. You can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Girl Undrunk Podcast and or send me an email at heather@girlundrunk.com.
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