#15: Tip to Tail: Part 2 (Heather’s Story)
In Part 2 of Heather's sobriety story, things spiral: wild nights in Brooklyn, wine hidden in Stanley cups at work, hitting bottom—and finally, checking into rehab. Missed Part 1? Find it on youtube here, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Tip to Tail: Part 2 Transcript
Heather: [00:00:00] This podcast covers sensitive topics that may be difficult for some listeners. Please take care while listening.
Last week on Girl Undrunk 5, 6, 7, I'm going to tell you how I got sober. Mm-hmm. But first, how I became became an alcoholic. Alcoholic. The only thing I know about Mr. Tini is that A, he's really funny, and B, he's really fucking scary.
And I walk in a little bit and he goes, do you pee with the door open? I just felt myself like, shut down dance is the only reason I'm here today. And that's true. That's a hundred percent true. And it started here. Mm-hmm. I got into Boston Conservatory full dance program and I'm not fucking skinny enough to be there.
I got real fucking skinny, really fast. Like scary, skinny. Yeah. I just was like, I can't eat and if I don't eat, I'll be a better dancer. And that's a little PSA to everyone. Don't get addicted to laxatives 'cause you're gonna shit yourself. Talking to your choreographer in the middle of the Boston Commons.[00:01:00]
I would hate when parties were over, I would start to panic because that meant everyone was gonna start leaving. Alcohol made me feel so confident and fun and loose and it made me feel like I could be the person I always wanted to be.
Zoe: None of this is easy guys. Mm-hmm. None of it is easy. We never say it's easy.
But if you want. You can have it
Heather: I'm in New York and I'm doing really romantic things with alcohol. Mm-hmm. Like I'm sitting on my fire escape every night and I'm drinking half a bottle of rose.
Yeah.
I always have half a sweet green salad and half a bottle of rose in my fridge if you come to my house. That is what I had. Um,
so you were
Zoe: still maintaining your like skinness?
Heather: Yeah, but I also wasn't doing that much.
Yeah.
Like, it didn't feel like I needed to eat anything 'cause [00:02:00] I wasn't doing anything. Like, I was mostly like, I was taking dance class a few times a week and then just like sitting in my house.
Yeah.
Watching Broad City, like trying not to cry. I moved to Brooklyn the second year and I had a little, a few more friends there. Okay. And that is when I started partying. Mm-hmm. I was like, okay, we're fucking doing this.
Yeah. I was like.
Meeting boys. I still had a boyfriend, but who cares? Yeah. I was like, he didn't live
Zoe: there.
Heather: I didn't live there. I was like hooking up with this with my roommate's coworker who she specifically told me not to hook up with because she wanted to hook up with him, but it wasn't happening. So then I was like 21. Yeah. And I was like, I'll do it, I'll do it. I'll sneak in. And I fell in love with him and he was evil. Mm-hmm. Like I would just show up at his house and he's like, why are you here? And then he would like say cra, well that maybe that's not evil. Maybe that's just like go home.
Zoe: I would show up to guy's houses too on unannounced.
And it was, it was not fun.
Heather: Oh my God. I thought he was in love with me. Yeah. I was in love with this person. I was like, how could he, I like, this is a New York story. Isn't New York? He loves story, isn't he
Zoe: You
Heather: guys
Zoe: met drinking?
Heather: Yeah. He's a bartender. Yeah, of course. And [00:03:00] he like, would like kiss me across the bar.
Yeah.
And it would be like, it was so like
Zoe: it was so New York. It was so, it was so New York. Brooklyn is so New York. It was what you wanted. It's what you wanted your life to be like.
Heather: Yeah. It was like back in like 2016 when everyone was wearing like lingerie body suits. Mm-hmm. And your nipples were out.
And then like a denim skirt and like a big denim jacket. It was that vibe and like it was just cool to be in New York. Then I started doing cocaine with my friends 'cause we would go and party and dance and they were like, go, go dancing. Or at dancing at speakeasies. And we'd go there and cocaine was everywhere.
Mm-hmm. And it never scared me. Mm-hmm. Did it ever scare you to try it? No. No. What is that?
Zoe: I don't know. I think it's just fear resistant. I think it's just that I, after I found alcohol, nothing was scary to me. Maybe. And like if everyone was doing it, yeah. I was gonna do it.
Heather: Yeah.
Zoe: Like it was something to keep me up, to make me keep drinking.
Like why would I be afraid of this? Yeah. I remember
Heather: thinking, I'm not afraid of this. Yeah. I'm like, we're gonna do it because we're doing [00:04:00] New York.
Zoe: Well, it was probably such a big thing for you. Mm-hmm. Because everything scared you.
Heather: Yes.
Zoe: And you are like, oh my God, this thing doesn't scare me. You know?
Heather: Yeah.
And mind you, when I would do drugs or when I would drink, I would be way less scared. And I loved it. I loved feeling like out and like young and cool and hot and like, because you've never felt that before. I never felt that before. I also, like, it took me a really long time to have sex. I didn't have sex until I was 21.
Yeah. And so like, I was very sheltered in that way. I was like, I don't know, sex just felt so shameful, like growing up in the church. And then I was like, in New York, I'm like, this is where people fuck. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, I'm gonna fuck yeah. Like I'm a girl. I'm like, cool. Yeah. So I started having sex and that was fun.
I started doing cocaine, but it felt fine. And then looking back, I'm like, oh. What a problem. Yeah. Because I would, every night I would go to the liquor store Yeah. And my friend was working, or my roommate was working, and I would get a bottle of wine or like a bottle of tequila and like a San [00:05:00] Pellegrino.
Mm-hmm. And then I would just, if it was tequila, I'd get tequila and drink the whole thing. Yeah. And dance in my kitchen. Yeah. And it was like journaling. It felt like, God, I felt like fucking Picasso. Yeah. I'm like, I'm brilliant and I'm, and I, I'm drinking too much and I'm, but I'm doing it right. Yeah. This is how you do
Zoe: it.
Exactly.
Heather: And then I was up the moment, this is for me,
Zoe: like, I like doing this. This is what makes me happy. This is what makes me me. This is what I'm supposed to be doing, and this is fun. And then it sneaks up on you, like everything else in your life snuck up on you. Mm-hmm. One day you wake up and you're like, fuck, I can't do life without this thing.
Heather: I was also. I was doing dumb shit. Like I would put the cocaine on the top of the fridge and every morning I'd wake up and I would put my nail in it to a bump. And then I would go to the bodega and get a protein bar and a coffee and I would run to the gym. And then I would run for 45 minutes at the gym.
And then I would leave like, and then I'd get a smoothie and that was everything.
Zoe: Yeah.
Heather: But I was like,
Zoe: I'm doing it. Yeah. I'm go, I'm [00:06:00] fine.
Heather: I literally, this is not a problem for me. Yeah. I am not addicted. Yes, I was, I'm fine. I was drinking every night, but it didn't feel like out of my way to do. So it was around.
Zoe: Do you think if someone told you like, you have to stop at that? No. When it was only like that far gone, do you think you would've? Mm-hmm. I don't think so either. You were living your life in Brooklyn and you were so, you felt so cool and like you finally fit in somewhere and Yeah. It was a nice way to drink as so you thought Also,
Heather: I also knew, like I wasn't.
Super happy. Mm-hmm. I was not dancing in the companies I wanted to be in. Mm-hmm. I wasn't like feeling that great. And I also knew that my visa was coming to an end. Okay. Like, I had a two year, well actually I only had a year and a half and I definitely overstay. Mm-hmm. But Trump wasn't there yet. Um, and I, I, I knew I had to come back.
Like, you, you either like, you know, your Visa expires and [00:07:00] you have to find a job within like 60 days that'll support your visa in the States, or you have to come home. And I was like, home. I haven't been home. So the dance
Zoe: companies wouldn't like allow you to stay like, right.
Heather: No. They don't have enough money to like, to, uh, like fund your visa basically.
Got it. Like, unless you're like a boy from Germany, they like won't do that. Yeah. But, um, I, I knew I was gonna have to make a decision and leave New York. Mm-hmm. And that was stressing you out? Well, it just felt like a gut punch. 'cause I was like, fuck if I leave New York, my life is over. Yeah. And it really did feel like that.
It felt like I got to where I needed to be and it wasn't working, and I was so anxious and depressed. And sometimes I was happy and I was happy with my friends and I was happy when we were out. But then like the dancing was not like fulfilling. It wasn't, it didn't feel I wasn't doing enough. Yeah. Oh, I hate talking about dance.
Yeah. But I knew I was gonna make a decision. Mm-hmm. And moved back to Toronto and I was kind of optimistic and I was like, maybe I'll dance here. Mm-hmm. But why were you thinking of moving to Toronto because you were [00:08:00] from Ottawa? Well, because. What was I gonna do in Ottawa? Awa? Yeah. There's like no dance there.
I didn't wanna be there. Like didn't, but you hadn't been here before in Toronto? No, but my sister was here. Right. Okay. That makes sense. And she was a dancer sense, so I was like, yeah, I'll come and do that. Mm-hmm. And I got here and it was so immediately like, I don't belong here. Mm. And that's fine. I mean, there's dance schools here and they've all known each other for like their whole college career.
Yeah. And then they've gone on and like, they keep it pretty in-house here. Yeah. And it really felt like, well there's a few people that I really felt like not welcome by. Mm-hmm. And honestly, like I did a few little dance things and it depressed the fuck out of me. Like nothing was fulfilling, nothing felt good.
Everything felt like, I don't know. Just dumb. Like, I didn't like any of the styles. Yeah. I just wasn't happy. And yeah. I didn't wanna be there and I was like, okay, well I gotta get a job. Mm-hmm. So I started working at a retail store and I like really tried to convince myself to like it. Mm-hmm. And people were asking me like, what [00:09:00] do you do?
And I was still saying that I was a dancer. Mm-hmm. Like, I'm still like, oh yeah, I do this on the side, like, I'm a dancer, da
Zoe: da da.
Heather: Um,
Zoe: at that point, were you going to any studios in Toronto or you stopped? No. Yeah, like,
Heather: once I started working, continued
Zoe: lying.
Heather: Yeah. Yeah. And I, and, and it was a lie, but it was also like, I am, I, I wasn't sure if I was done yet.
Yeah. You know, it hadn't been that long. And then I remember a year hit and I was like, oh yeah, I guess I'm not dancing anymore. Mm-hmm. Now I said that really like lightly, but that ruined me. Mm-hmm. Leaving dance and making a decision. Kind of making a decision. Well, you had
Zoe: to leave the states. I had to leave the states.
So like, that's like a decision that had to be done. That wasn't your decision. You had to Well, it also felt like
Heather: a failure because I was 22 and I was like, or 22 or 23, and I was like, I'm leaving now. Mm-hmm. Like, I, I'm not even, I didn't do everything I set out to do. I was supposed to be the [00:10:00] best, and now I'm failing.
Yeah. And I'm leaving. And I, I, I didn't know what to do with that feeling. Mm-hmm. And when I got to Toronto, I started working at this retail store and I started drinking. Mm-hmm. And I was already drinking in New York, but this was like, now I'm drinking alone and I'm not dancing. Yeah. Like, I'm not even like drinking wine and dancing in my living room.
I'm just sitting on the couch and like, either crying honestly. Yeah. Or watching tv. Yeah. Yeah.
Zoe: You're like. Severely depressed now.
Heather: Well, now I'm numbing everything. Yeah. Now alcohol is like serving me in a new way. Mm-hmm. It's not fun. It's not Yeah. I'm not going out. Mm-hmm. I'm, you know, I'm, I'm drinking to like, to
Zoe: numb yourself.
Numb something in a day to about how you were a failure. Yeah. And how you disappointed yourself. 'cause I
Heather: couldn't, every single day I woke up and I knew I wasn't dancing, and then I would get home and I was tired. Mm-hmm. But I didn't do anything. Mm-hmm. Like, I didn't dance. Mm-hmm. And I just, every single fucking day I had [00:11:00] to like, lie in my bed and be like, you're done.
Mm-hmm. You're not dancing. Mm-hmm. This is it. Mm-hmm. And I, I didn't know who I was. Yeah. I was terrified and I felt like a loser. And I felt like such a disappointment. And I was like, everyone in my life has like, been supporting this thing. Mm-hmm. And like, this is the thing that I am. And so now, not only like.
Am I Nothing to myself. I'm nothing to no one. And But were people like telling you that? No, but it felt like that. Yeah. Because it was just like, oh, what are you doing now? Oh, you're working there? Okay. Like, are you dancing? Are you dancing still? Why aren't you dancing? And every single fucking person I would meet, people still ask me if I'm dancing, and I'm like, I can't, like, talk about it.
Yeah. It's the hardest breakup I've ever gone through. Yeah. And I like really never wanted to let it go. Mm-hmm. And it, but it just, it got to a point where it just wasn't fitting in my, I couldn't, I [00:12:00] couldn't make it work. And like I, I was working at this retail job and it was at the mall. So at the end of our shifts at 10:00 PM we would go to Joey's Yeah.
And drink. Mm-hmm. And that was fun. Yeah. And I was like. Okay. Well maybe I'll make friends then and maybe that'll be my thing. I'll, I'll work here and I'll have friends and I'll have friends for like the first time kind of, and yeah. I'll be, have friends and we'll go out and we'll have wine and that'll be nice.
Yeah. And so that happened all the time. Mm-hmm. And like, we would go out, I was so thrilled if someone wanted to go out for drinks after. Yeah. Because I was just like the, because that then you didn't have to drink alone. Feel back. And I didn't have to go home
Zoe: because like Did you feel bad when you were drinking alone?
Well, like, were you like, this is probably something I shouldn't be doing. I wasn't ashamed of it yet. Right. Okay.
Heather: I was still holding down a job. I was still like cute and skinny. I, I just, but I couldn't handle not being drunk. Yeah. I couldn't, I couldn't handle getting home at the end of the day and not drinking.
And so like going out with friends was like even more of a distraction. Right. [00:13:00] Yeah. And they would I get that. Yeah. And they would drink a lot 'cause I would drink a lot. Yeah. And that's when I really started and then you're like, oh, at least everyone's drinking and it's not just me. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God.
We would get so drunk one time. Did I tell you this story that I walked. I walked home from Joey's once, and we did it all the time, but I was so drunk that I walked the wrong way on Bay Street. Oh my God. For like 20 minutes. I had to pee so bad. Yeah. And I was wearing those like auria cargo black jeans.
Yeah. I, I was walking home and I realized I went the wrong way. I was so lost, so drunk, and finally I figured out how to get home, but I was like, I have to pee. And I was like, do I squat? Mm. I just peed myself in the elevator. Nope. Just on the street? No, just on the street. And then I walked home so wet and then I got upstairs and I was like, I smell like piss.
Like this is horrible. That's
Zoe: so funny because like I would have those moments of like walking and knowing I'm gonna pee, but I just like popped a squat and like people would like, I'd make eye contact with the people walking right in front of me and I'd be like, just pissing. Oh yeah. See, I didn't wanna do that.
Yeah. I was like
Heather: so afraid of everything. And I'm just two
Zoe: types of people, people who just pop a squad, people piss themselves
Heather: [00:14:00] truly like masking so hard. Yeah. I'm like, you would never know. I'm like, I'm just peeing. You were working that job for, I was working that job. I started doing spin class. I was addicted to spin.
I was going every, I was going three times a week. Yeah. I met a boyfriend Yeah. At this job of mine. And we talked about it a little bit, but it was good. Yeah. I, I really loved him and, you know, we started out drinking. Yeah. A lot. We first started dating and then it was a bit of a bamboozle when he didn't wanna keep drinking like that.
Mm-hmm.
Zoe: But,
Heather: um, after three months, he moved in with me. And which is super fast. Don't, it's,
Zoe: I don't advise. Don't do that. No.
Heather: But it was also like, we were young and it felt very much like we're in the city and things are expensive. Yeah. So why pay your rent if you were, you're gonna be at my house anyway. I know, but that's what
Zoe: everyone's excuse is literally, it's crazy.
Don move in with your boyfriend after three months.
Heather: No. Holy shit. Also because like honestly, never. Literally just never, you know my whole thing. Yeah. I'm like separate condos, separate bathrooms, separate beds, separate condos, you know, so that I can be swampy in my bed by myself. Yeah. [00:15:00] Still, I still haven't been into her bedroom guys soon.
At this point in my life, back in Toronto, I'm trying to figure out what I wanna do. I'm like, I don't know who I am. I'm not dancing. I don't really like this retail job. I do love my boyfriend. Mm-hmm. He's also kind of like moving quickly in the world. Yeah. And I am feeling like I'm falling behind. Yeah. I kind of, I get a new job that's like more.
Prestigious, I guess. Okay. And it's really hard and it's really stressful, but I do feel a little better. Yeah. It's in fashion and I'm trying to make myself love fashion. Mm-hmm. I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I'm a fashion girl. I love this, this, yes. This is, this has to be my
Zoe: passion now. Like this
Heather: is all I have.
Zoe: This has to be
Heather: it for you. Yeah. 'cause I was like, I have to find something. And I did not like it. Yeah. I like it. I like fashion, I love clothes, I love shopping, but I didn't like a how fucking VAD it is to buy $10,000 sweatsuits for people during C. Yeah. Like, fucking hell. Yeah. But,
Zoe: so we're now in c
Heather: Well, [00:16:00] so yeah.
During this whole time, I, I switched jobs. I have a boyfriend, he's living with me. That job is really stressful. And my drinking, I'm, my tolerance is just building at this point. So I'm drinking every night. Mm-hmm. And I remember sitting on my couch once and I was like, and you're hiding
Zoe: it from your boyfriend because your boyfriend doesn't like it.
Heather: I'm hiding it from my boyfriend. However, at this point there was a switch. Mm-hmm. I think it was COVID, honestly. Yeah. Because I was drinking a lot before and he would get like annoyed about it. Yeah. But then COVID hit. Yeah. And now he's seeing how much I'm drinking. Yeah. And I'm drinking more. 'cause it's COVID.
Yeah. And at that point, I, I mean, even before that, I remember being in Toronto and being like, oh, I've been drunk every single night for a year. Yeah. Every single night. Mm-hmm. And I remember like thinking that, 'cause it was, maybe it was my birthday or something. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I was drunk on my birthday and then I never stopped.
Right. And I was like, Ooh, did you [00:17:00] know it was a problem? Then I knew that wasn't good. Yeah. 'cause I knew that I wanted to drink every night.
Zoe: Yeah. And I was like, you knew you didn't wanna change it. Yeah. You just like took that in as information and were like, oh. Guess that's what I am now. I was,
Heather: well, I was really hoping that it was a phase.
Got it. I was really hoping that it wasn't that big of a deal. And maybe I would, you know, like things would happen with my eating where I would be like really intense with eating and then I would stop or I would get really, really fat and then I would stop. And like I was hoping that drinking would be like that too.
Like I would just drink really hard and then maybe get a new job. Yeah. Or I get a boyfriend and I don't have to drink that much. That was not the case. I am working this job. I am now starting to request to work on Sundays. Mm-hmm. Because no one's there. Mm-hmm. And I like my peace. Mm-hmm. And I also am like.
I could drink. Mm-hmm. So no one was ever there. Yeah. On a Sunday. So I would just go downstairs. It was like in a complex and I would go to the LCBO and get a bottle of wine. Mm-hmm. Or like [00:18:00] cans and pour them into my Stanley. Mm-hmm. And I'd get all my work done. Yeah. Honestly, Sundays were amazing. I loved Sundays.
Yeah. Because I just would, because wouldn't be too drunk. But I would drink a little bit throughout the day and get everything done, go home. Mm-hmm. I would stop at the LCBO on the way home and get, yeah. Three canned wines.
Zoe: This is where like you had your drinking patterns, like your patterns were built in, you knew you had to hide it from some people.
Like this is where like it was really getting back. I feel like I made a mistake. I feel like I fucked this part up. God, it, this is so confusing. It's, it's honestly like so far away from us now too, that it's like, it's hard to remember those days because Yeah. It's so not us anymore, you know? It's hard to backtrack.
Heather: Well, I'm just trying to figure out. When the drinking got so bad because it was bad in New York, I was drinking way too much, but it was serving me still. I got to Toronto and now I'm drinking because I'm sad and I'm drinking every night. Mm-hmm. But I have a boyfriend and I have a job. So, but you're lying to your boyfriend [00:19:00] and you're drinking on the job.
Yeah. But it looks okay. Everything still looks okay. Yeah. I look cute. Yeah. I'm like doing things. I'm, I have friends, so I'm like, yeah, you haven't lost everything yet. No, but I'm like,
Zoe: something is happening. Well, it, it was, it's sneaking up on you. It's sneaking up on me like everything else did. Yeah. And then, and you're not happy, like, you drinking every night isn't making you happy and
Heather: No,
Zoe: that's not how regular people drink either.
Heather: Right. Like, I was coming home to like numb my body. Yeah. Like, I really loved it. You, you went
Zoe: with into the intention of drinking every night to numb and to make yourself try to feel better.
Heather: Yeah.
Zoe: And that's not the intention that regular people go into drinking, feel.
Heather: Yeah. Yeah, that's very true. I never drank because I was like celebrating.
Yeah. I was always just like, oh, are you celebrating? Perfect. Yeah. I'll be over here. Yeah. Have fun. Yeah. My drinking got so, well, my drinking patterns were really intense. So during COVID, when we went back to work, well during COVID, it was crazy. And I remember I went out onto the balcony [00:20:00] and I brought a bottle of wine and my ex, we were together at the time, he texted me and he said, I hope you enjoy that whole bottle.
He was so mad at me. Yeah. And I, I didn't know Yeah. That he hated it so much yet. Yeah. Because he didn't really talk about stuff. Yeah. I didn't know how much he hated it until then. And I cried and it was, I was mad at him. But you knew that you weren't gonna put it down. Nope. No. And also now you just pissed me off.
Yeah. And made me feel bad.
Zoe: Yeah.
Heather: And made me feel like I'm not enough. Yeah. And I'm stupid and I'm an alcoholic, and so Yeah. I'm gonna drink it. Yeah. Like. I that isn't gonna work, you know? Yeah. Like you getting upset at me, like, this is my fucking house. Yeah. Like I, um, I drank a lot during COVID. It was, you know, I would try and like manipulate him to leave the house mm-hmm.
And like, go play basketball so that I could order wine to the house. Yeah. Or like run quickly to the LCB and get whatever, mind you. Mm-hmm. At that time, the lines at the LCBO were around the corner because everyone needed alcohol in the middle of the day. So that was a fucking sneaky little game. I was like throwing alcohol bottles under my bed.
Mm-hmm. I'm like trying to hide [00:21:00] this living with someone. Yeah. And mind you we're not talking, he's like coming back from playing basketball. He's not talking to me. And mind
Zoe: you, like, you
Heather: couldn't be
Zoe: hiding
Heather: it like that.
Zoe: Great.
Heather: Oh. Like, I'm sure
Zoe: he knew. He knew everywhere and he just didn't know like, what to say to you.
Heather: I was drunk all the time. Yeah. Like, I would come home from work and he would be like, why are you drunk? Yeah. And I'm like, I'm not, or you're not. Or I would sneak the canned wines and put another one in my bag and then just take the dog right away and go to park and drink in the park. Yeah. And once we went back to work.
That I, I was so addicted to alcohol at that point and, and the whole day. Yeah. Right. Because I was drinking probably from like two on. Yeah. And I, when we went back to work, I was like, well, I have to drink. Yeah. So I would just make it through the day. I would go downstairs to the LCBO, get my canned wines walk home, and then eventually I started to go to the LCBO before work.
Mm-hmm. Get a bottle of wine, pour it into my Stanley. Mm-hmm. And then just sip on it all day long. Yeah. Or until lunch and I would get another one. That's so stupid. But it was never a problem at work. Yeah. I [00:22:00] always got my work done. There really was never an issue. Yeah. Thank God. I mean, if I had gone a little longer, I would've, oh, a hundred percent.
My ex was moving to New York and I was like, um. Yeah, great. I'll quit my job and come with you. Yeah. So I did that.
Zoe: Yeah.
Heather: And at this point he hates me. Yeah. And I know that the relationship is ending and I'm doing everything in my body to him. Why do you think he like,
Zoe: was like, okay, fine, you can come with me to New York.
Heather: I think he was probably nervous to go to New York. Okay. And it was nice that I had lived there. Yeah. And like it was gonna be helpful for me to help him set up a apartment. Right. Like I think it's like a little bit of a trauma bond when you're like trying to move and stuff. Yeah. So I think I was helpful at that time.
I was also pretending to get my real estate license. Yeah. And fully lying about that. Yeah. I was trying, but I couldn't do it. Yeah. And everything just kind of felt like it was going so fast. I went to New York with my ex, we fought all the time because I was drinking all the time. We were in hotels. Yeah.
And I was just like pretending to do real estate in the lobby, [00:23:00] getting fucked up. Were
Zoe: you
Heather: like on a visa for New York or No, I was just visiting. Yeah. Like I was literally just
Zoe: going to help him
Heather: set up an apartment. Yeah. And then
Zoe: he was like, and then you guys were gonna do like long distance. Yeah. Yeah.
Heather: And then he broke up with me on my birthday. Yeah. And I knew it was coming. Mm-hmm. And,
and that, that was everything I already knew about myself. Yeah. I knew that I was never gonna be enough, and it didn't matter what I did. There's always gonna come a time where someone's gonna figure it out. Yeah. That I am, I'm a monster, or I'm never, I'm not good enough. I'm shit, I'm a loser. I'm this, I'm an alcoholic, I'm stupid, I'm whatever.
You're gonna figure it out. And I've been waiting for you to figure it out.
Zoe: But also, like you started drinking so much because you were depressed. Mm-hmm. Alcohol is a depressant like you're. You're now a shell of a person. Yeah. And like, you don't think you deserve anything.
Heather: No. And I'm not dancing, I'm not working.
Yeah. I'm [00:24:00] lying. I know that my relationship is, I'm losing it. Yeah. I also was really ready to just like be his girlfriend and give up my whole life.
Zoe: Yeah. But like, you had to have known that like you, the relationship wasn't good and he was gonna do that. Like you said, you knew he was gonna break up with you.
Yeah. Well I did
Heather: and then I would just drink more. Yeah. And like I, you know, hide it during the day. 'cause like,
Zoe: you knew you couldn't quit to save that relationship. It didn't matter to you. He
Heather: asked me multiple times. Yeah. He like cried to me. Yeah. To stop drinking. And I just would say, okay, yeah, I'm so sorry.
And I would cry, but I, um, it's too far past that. Yeah. I, my body needed it and, and I didn't, I chose alcohol over him every single time. Yeah. But it doesn't really feel like a choice when you're in it, it feels like, have you ever, like, you know, when you wake up or you're outside and it's hot and you're so thirsty and you're like, I.
If I don't drink something now I'm gonna die. Yeah. It's like that. Yeah. But you're not thirsty. But it's that feeling of like, I need, I need,
Zoe: well, it's, you don't have a choice. Mm-hmm. [00:25:00] When you're feeling like that. No, there's no choice. You don't have the ability to make that decision. I came back
Heather: home. Yeah.
I was like, after that breakup, I actually went to my mom's house and like immediately drank a ton of vodka and threw up in her bathroom on the carpet. Yeah. Which is my whole thing. Mm-hmm. Which is what I do. I throw up on the floor. Um, and now I'm alone. Now I'm alone in Toronto. I have no boyfriend. I'm living in the house that he was living in.
Mm-hmm. And I have all of this alcohol and I don't have a job. And I don't have dance and I don't have friends.
Zoe: And was this 20, 21, you think? Probably 2022. 2022. Because we probably had
Heather: like a good two years of COVID before we could leave.
Zoe: Yeah.
Heather: And then, yeah. This is when things started to get a little reckless for me.
Mm-hmm. Because I was so depressed, so drunk, didn't think I deserved anything, and now I want a boyfriend. Mm-hmm. So I need to go on dates. And so I download Hinge for the first time. And my friends, I have like two friends from Holts and they're hyping me up, go on dates. Mm-hmm. I'm going on dates wasted.
Yeah. Like, [00:26:00] I'm, I'm, I'm nervous so I'm drinking, but I'm getting there drunk and then I'm like really just waiting to know that they're gonna wanna have sex with me because I'm like, I know how to do that. Yeah. And that's kinda where that all kicked off. Like I was going on so many dates and I was, I don't know why I was doing it.
'cause you just
Zoe: wanted to feel accepted and loved.
Heather: Yeah. I was like, so, 'cause
Zoe: you hated yourself. Yeah. You needed someone to like you.
Heather: I hated myself and I also was like. I, I, there's, there's no going back from this. This is who I am now, and I'm gonna have to find someone in this. And I didn't even know if it was that rational.
I was just like, I'm so sad and I need someone, me, it's interesting to have me how you never
Zoe: like picked like a really, like an alcoholic. So that
Heather: n Well, yeah. I don't know how you, you attract them because I Oh, I attract the alcoholics. Yeah. You really do. And I, I, I don't know what it was. I just was finding and maybe some of them were Yeah.
But I'm sure some of them really were. Yeah. But I, um, I was just going [00:27:00] on so many first dates, but I was drinking before them. Yeah. And then that tolerance, I would get like two glasses of wine before I'd go out. Then that turned to three. Then that was a whole bottle. Now I'm already drunk and I'm getting in the shower with another, another bottle of wine and I'm gonna shower really quick and then go over and have sex with this person.
Yeah. Misery. Yeah. And I was feeling shit about myself. Yeah. You know, sometimes I would really like these guys and then they would like text me and be like, I'm not looking for anything you. A drunk bitch. Mm-hmm. Did they say that to you? No. Okay. But, um, I really was like my life, I'm just here to be necessary now.
Yeah. I don't have a purpose, so I guess I'll just be used by someone. Yeah. You didn't think that you deserved anything? No. And I really didn't think I was ever going to. Yeah. Like, I, I really, I think I said this last week, I really, really believed that my dance was it for me. Yeah. That's what I was put on this earth to do.
Yeah. So lame. But like, that's what it, what it feels like still kind of that like I had one thing, you don't get another one, you don't [00:28:00] get another talent, you don't get another passion. And so I was just like, not only do I not have dance, I don't have anything ever for the rest of my life. But do you truly believe that still?
I don't
Zoe: know. I don't think you do. I 'cause like this is now your passion. Well, this will get into it. And being sober is your passion. It's like the same thing as people not believing in multiple loves. Like I believe in multiple loves.
Heather: Yeah, I do too. I just think when it's me, it's really hard for me to be like objective about what's available and like what's true.
Because even like this stuff that you're going through with whatever, the backlash and stuff, like when I was talking to you yesterday, I'm like, why can I say that to you? But when it's happening to me, I'm like, I'm the worst. I'm the devil. I'm a bad person. Like it's hard to be like objective about my own shit.
And I really did think that. And also I was gaining so much weight. I was drinking so much. I quit my job. I was such a loser. I hated everything. Mm-hmm. And I was like, okay, so I'm gonna be like this when I'm 40. How am I gonna do [00:29:00] this? Mm-hmm. Like what's gonna happen? Well then did you have like suicidal thoughts?
Oh my God, I just wanted to die all the time. Zoe. Yeah, I was like. And then I would get scared because I would have like weird body responses and I have Yeah. Because then like you knew you didn't wanna die. I didn't wanna die, no. Oh my God. I definitely didn't wanna die. I, I was so, but I didn't wanna be here.
Yeah. Like, I didn't know that You were scared
Zoe: that what, what was gonna happen?
Heather: Yeah. And I also was just like, I don't wanna live like this. I don't know how, there's no other world. They've already fucked up so bad. How can I come back from this? Like, I can't. Did you try going to therapy? I had been in therapy before and then I ghosted her.
Yeah. Because I was just like, I Too drunk. Yeah. I'm too miserable. Honestly. Yeah. That went on for a while. That went on for two years. I would say from like 20, well, like after the road, probably like
Zoe: 20, 21 to like 20. 23 to three. Yeah. Like the
Heather: relationship ended in 2021 to till 2023. I'm drinking every day.
Yeah. All day. Misery. Misery. The only thing I'm doing that's actually good is I'm taking Nike out three times a day. Yeah. Like, I never neglected him, thank God. Yeah. But like, I, [00:30:00] I, yeah, I'm, I'm absolutely miserable. I'm not seeing straight, I'm now like getting to the point where I'm like. I am getting scared.
Yeah. I don't feel good. I don't look good the way that I look looks
Zoe: sick. Every, like, people were starting to be concerned for you.
Heather: Yeah. And I just started not hanging out with anybody. Yeah. Like my parents were really concerned. Start isolating yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Well, 'cause I was embarrassed. I was like, like I had to go to my friend's wedding and I was like, how am I gonna, first of all, I couldn't fit into anything.
Yeah. I was like, how am I gonna fucking go to this? I got my wisdom teeth taken out and I, I drank an entire bottle of wine the night before. Fully lied to my sister about that. 'cause you're not supposed to drink before anesthesia. But I was like, mm-hmm. I can. Yeah. I'm an addict. Yeah. I'm a pharmacist. And that was crazy.
Kept drinking after my wisdom teeth. They were so infected for a year. My wisdom teeth for a year were infected. Yeah. 'cause I
Zoe: would not stop drinking. That's funny. 'cause all my four [00:31:00] wisdom teeth were infected before they were taken out. Mine too. And after. Yeah. Yeah. Mine weren't infected after, oh man. I got lucky.
'cause yeah, I, I kept drinking and, and smoking, like I been smoking cigarettes. Yeah.
Heather: I had four dry sockets and I was just, I went to my mom's and I was crying. I was miserable. Yeah.
Zoe: It was horrible. How did I not get infected? You're built different though. I have a perfect body. You really
Heather: do. The body of a temple.
The body of a temple. The body of a temple.
Zoe: I am tired. Is that right? No. No. I don't
Heather: even know if I said
Zoe: no.
Heather: So I'm, I'm in misery. I'm lying in my bed pretty much all day except to take Nike out. I'm just watching TV in and out of consciousness. Like drinking. Yeah. Because now you don't have a job. I don't have a job, no.
And I'm pretending to do real estate. Yeah. I don't have friends. I'm, you've been
Zoe: pretending to do your real estate license for three years. Yes.
Heather: And that's what my dad said. He's like, how long is this supposed to be? He would always ask me. He's like, what month? Like, what's your, and I'm like, [00:32:00] October. And then I'm like, oh, but then I failed this one, so I have to, and he'd be like, what the, mind you, I have zero interest in real estate.
No, zero. And I don't know anything about money, or I don't want, whatever, whatever. I, um, I, I, the thing that I am doing all day long is listening to podcasts. Yeah. And the one person I listen to more than anybody is Dax Shepherd. And shut out Dax. Shout out Dax Shepherd because
Zoe: Cry baby. Whoa.
Heather: You can hold my feet. Lemme just crack these.
Zoe: You haven't done that in so long. I
Heather: know. I, uh, I, I was listening to Doc Shepherd and he's an addict. If you don't listen to Doc Shepherd, you should. It's like beautiful. And um. Uh, Monica and Dak saved my life. They did? A hundred percent. Mm-hmm.
Because D's, when he had his, like day seven, when they like, did that podcast, I listened to it 14 times when he relapsed and he talked about it, and it was so [00:33:00] emotional and real. Yeah. And I, I could see myself in that. Yeah. I was like, I always loved, I always loved true crime. I always love like the deep and dirty Yeah.
Parts of the world. I love hearing about addicts. I love hearing Yeah. About like the real stuff.
Zoe: Yeah. Don't, like, don't sugarcoat anything. Sugarcoat anything or like browse through anything. No. I
Heather: need to know and like, I'm so deep and dark and I need, like, I just felt so alone and listening to Dax always talk about his addiction.
Yeah. But then actually relapse. Yeah. I listened to that podcast 14 times. I was listening to it when I called rehab.
Zoe: Yeah.
Heather: But I was building myself up to do it. I knew I had to go. I was having such severe heart palpitations. I was overfilling Nike's bowl at night because I thought that I was gonna die.
Yeah. And then if I died, my sister would come. Mm-hmm. And like see my dead body and that would be so hard. So I just wanted to make sure that Nike was still [00:34:00] alive. And so he had like three days worth of food before someone checked on me. Um, 'cause I couldn't have her see like two dead bodies. That would be crazy.
That's so sad. Yeah. So I was listening to this podcast. I'm having heart palpitations. I can't put my hair in a ponytail without sitting down. I'm not good. I'm building myself up to go. I'm like texting people randomly. Like my friend Paige, I texted her and I was like, I think I have to go to rehab. Yeah.
But I was drunk when I did that. I'm doing weird shit. Yeah. Like, I'm putting it out in the universe where I'm like, I'm kind of setting everybody up or setting myself up where like something's gotta change. Yeah. And. I remember being so scared and I was looking up luxury rehabs. 'cause I'm like, I don't wanna go to KMH.
Yeah. I don't want to, I wanna go somewhere where I have my own room and a nice shower. And so I'm looking up luxury rehabs on Google and I find one in Muskoka and you can have your cell phone. And I'm like, okay. I called I That was
Zoe: a priority for you to go to rehab that you can have your cell phone. No, it
Heather: actually wasn't, but I saw it on the thing and I was like, oh, that's great.
'cause also at that time I was like [00:35:00] dating someone that I needed to start dating when I was drinking. That was weird. But I, um, I was terrified to go, obviously. I, I, but I knew I had to, I I, I knew I was gonna die.
Zoe: Yeah.
Heather: And I didn't wanna stop drinking.
Zoe: Yeah.
Heather: But I was like, you know what, let me give this one shot.
Yeah. And if it doesn't, you've said this to you, if it doesn't work, I'll kill myself. Yeah. Or I'll just drink until that's the end. Yeah. And I. Called the rehab. I talked to the nurse. Mm-hmm. And you know, set it up. I like sent a deposit and then I called my parents and my dad picked up and I was like, is mom there?
Can you sit together? Mm-hmm. Which is a terrifying thing to do. Yeah. And I was so scared to tell them Zoe. I told my sister first. I called her crying. Yeah. And I was like, I know you don't like it when I cry. And she was like, I don't mind when you cry. I don't like it when you talk about sucking dick.
Sorry. I was like, oh, okay. And I was gonna tell my parents, I called them to tell them and. I was so delusional that I was [00:36:00] like, everyone is gonna hate me. Everyone is gonna be mad at me. That's
Zoe: interesting that you thought that. Wouldn't you have thought like, oh, this is like a good thing that I'm doing if I'm, I'm going to get sober.
This is a good thing.
Heather: I think I just thought, like, I just was so ashamed. Ashamed of
Zoe: it.
Heather: And rehab was so shameful. I didn't know anyone that had ever been to rehab before. I didn't know any drug addicts. Not really, other than like what we see on the street, but I didn't know anyone who did. Mm-hmm. And also, we grew up in the nineties where it was like Lindsay Lohan and all of them going to rehab and they're like drunk sluts and like, it's the worst thing you could be as a woman.
And I just felt, I was worried that my parents were gonna be ashamed of me, even though I looked so crazy and I was drinking so much. And
Zoe: you thought you were hiding it,
Heather: but you weren't. But I, and I knew that, I knew that I had to go and I knew that if my parents were mad at me, it would be okay because if I told Dax and Monica that I was gonna go to rehab.
They would be proud of me. Aw. And I just like kept telling myself that and then I was like, whoever's mad at [00:37:00] me, like it doesn't matter. Mm-hmm. Like, 'cause I love these people so much and I believe that they're right. Mm-hmm. And like, I have to do it. Yeah. And my parents were like, so happy. Yeah. They were like, yeah, go.
But I, um, yeah. I just, it was so nice to be able to like, have Dax and Monica in my ears because the way that, like, she responded to Dax when he was talking and it was like, you know, he was baby. Yeah. And she was like, you know, she went through it all too with him. And I just felt like the love that she had for him when he was going through it was like, okay, that's the point.
Mm-hmm. Like, you love him, you're gonna love him through it. Mm-hmm. And like, he's a good person and like there's a world in which this can work. And so, so
Zoe: beautiful.
Heather: Well, and so I told my parents and then they sent me a check
Zoe: and then I went to rehab that
Heather: check and I went to rehab. And the day I went like a day early, something like [00:38:00] happened and I was like packing everything.
I packed a thousand things to go to rehab. Very different than you. Yeah. I had a huge suitcase. I had all of my giant clothes. And you were the size of a house. I was the size of a house. I was as big as a house. And I packed up all of my little things and I was gonna uber myself to rehab 'cause I didn't have any friends.
And if I did have friends, I didn't have a car. Yeah. And so I was like, I'm gonna Uber myself. And the nurse was like, no, you can't take yourself to rehab, dumbass. And I was like, I've never been. I was, my first time I was somehow gonna take, get from Toronto, take the train somehow to. Wasega. Okay. Wasega.
Yeah. And then take a taxi from there. I was gonna figure that out. I was like, is there any taxis around? And then she was like, I'll come pick you up. So the nurse up that's nice. Picked up. So nice.
Zoe: Picked you up from Toronto.
Heather: Well, I drove to King, I Uber to King City and she picked me up.
Zoe: Nice.
Heather: Um, I was, that's really nice of
Zoe: her.
Heather: Somehow not drunk. Everyone else that showed up at rehab. Drunk. Yeah. And I was like, fuck, do that. I was like, trying to be the best one at rehab. Right. I didn't wanna in [00:39:00] trouble. Yeah. So I went to rehab and she was like, are you, did you drink today? And I was like, Nope, I'm the best one. I didn't even drink last night.
Like, I'm finally, you're good at something. Oh. When I got to rehab, I was like. Oh, I'm gonna fucking kill this. I'm gonna be the best one. All of you counselors, I'm gonna be your favorite. Yeah. I'm gonna rule this fucking town. And I did. Yeah. I got to rehab. I was so scared. I went up to my room and I stayed there for about four hours until we were all going to dinner to get schnitzel.
And I was like, perfect. We have to go out to dinner. I, they went out to dinner. Yeah, they took us around. Oh wow. There's, there was only like eight of us I think. So. That's interesting. I know how risky. Yeah. But it was risky because the fucking head counselor is a full drug addict. Yeah. So like, you don't care.
So is it your rehab canceled now? No. Oh. But if you need to go to rehab and you're going in Ontario, DM us and I'll tell you where you shouldn't go. Yeah. Yeah. I went to rehab as big as a house and I made a pact with myself day one, that I was gonna focus on sobriety. Mm-hmm. And I'm not gonna focus on my body.
[00:40:00] 'cause when I focus on my body. I wanna die. Yeah. And I can't do anything if I focus on my body. So I'm gonna focus on getting sober.
Zoe: You did have like a moment of clarity, really. Like, it was really like, well, you realized that you didn't wanna fucking die and you knew that you were, and you were like, Kate, I'm gonna do something to change.
Well, when I got to rehab, I, and it's really sad because not a lot of people have that like clarity second. Yeah. Because if you didn't call rehab that second Oh. And if you didn't get into rehab that second, you would've kept drinking and you maybe would've died.
Heather: I called the rehab and I got, I was there, I had to go to Florida to drop off Nike.
Yeah. With my parents. And so I called rehab and then within two weeks I was there. Yeah. So I could have been there within a week. Yeah. It's also privatized rehab. Yeah. So you pay for it. Yeah. Cam h you have to wait forever, but private's different. Um, I walked into rehab and I felt safe. You felt like you could breathe?
Yeah. Yeah. I could fucking exhale. I was like, okay, everyone has me. There's no alcohol here. Yeah. I can't do anything. She was like [00:41:00] searching my bag for drugs and I was like, do people bring drugs here? And she was like, yes. There's fentanyl here all the time. People bring drugs to rehab. They're drug addicts.
Yeah. And I'm like, that's crazy. I just love you. But also at this time, I didn't consider myself a drug addict. Yeah. I just like did coke all the time, but I only thought I was an alcoholic. Yeah. And I also didn't think that alcohol and drugs were the same. Yeah. I'm like running around my life being like, I only drink wine.
Yeah. And they're like, yeah. What's the difference between like getting fucked up on wine and then like Exactly. Doing opiates. Yeah. Like nothing. Nothing.
Zoe: You, you can't control either of them. Yeah. You're addicted.
Heather: Yeah. Wine is just like socially acceptable. Mm-hmm. You know, I, uh, oh, I cried immediately at rehab.
Our head clinician came downstairs and he said, why are you here? And I said. In front of everybody. Okay. Thank God. No, it was just like the nurse. And he's just like that. He's a person that's like, yeah, I know. Also can chill out. Like chill out. Like stop calling on me in class. Fuck. But I, he was like, why are you here?
And I said, oh, I, I drink all day every [00:42:00] day. And he said, all day, every day. And I said, maybe not all day. I did, I did drink all day and I immediately, I'm gaslighting myself to be like, my problem is not that big. Yeah. And then he's like, why are you drinking so much? And I was like, oh, I, I miss dance and I don't da.
I just started bawling my eyes out. So I was there for six weeks. Were you scared to get out? I was terrified to get out. Yeah. But during rehab is the best place in the whole world. Can I just say that Rehab is so fun. I've met my very best friends there. Kayla, she'll come on. I literally, what a soul sister.
Mm-hmm. Like, I so codependent. Mm-hmm. Like we were attached at the hip. Mm-hmm. Like that is my sneaky weasel till the day we die. I love these fucking people. I love to sit around. And ask everyone what drugs they're doing Yeah. And what their trauma is and get so, and just like
Zoe: work on yourself for six weeks is beautiful.
My God. And like, not have to do anything and like, learn about addiction and Yeah. What you, what you have to do now and like why people do these things is like [00:43:00] really watching relaxing.
Heather: Yeah. And watching everyone else go through it too. Yeah. I'm like, oh my God, I'm not the hearing people's
Zoe: stories.
Heather: Yeah.
I'm not the only one. And when I got there, there was like, it was mostly girls. Yeah. And they were mostly like, they were all like around my age. And I felt that made me feel so good because I thought I was gonna be the oldest one there. Yeah, exactly. But I was only 28.
Zoe: You realize that everyone, you're not, if this an individual thing that happens to you.
Yeah. This happens to a lot of people. Yeah. I'm not, you're not special.
Heather: No.
Zoe: It's not just happening to you. It's happening to many people out there. Yeah. And it's nice to know that. Yeah. It's, it's really, it's so nice to know that. It's nice to know that you can like, have someone to talk to about it and to can relate to someone about it.
Well, no, fucking kidding. '
Heather: cause then you start talking to these people. These people. Mm-hmm. You start talking to people in rehab and you're like, oh, you don't think you're enough either. Why? And like, you know, you just go through the whole gamut and you're like, oh my God, you've been out here floundering this whole time I've been out here.
Thank God we found each other here. You know? [00:44:00] I really did love rehab. I got a lot out of it. I think the main things I got outta rehab were, don't pick up. That was one of our, this guy would come in from ca and he would come in. He was, don't, don't pick up. All you gotta remember is don't pick up. And I'd say, okay.
And it's true though. Yeah. Because it's like you're walking by the wine rack. Yeah. It's like, just don't go in. Yeah. And you can do that after six weeks of rehab. Yeah. It's really hard to do in the meeting. Yeah. Like immediately. But like you can, and like that was always in my head. Yeah. And another thing was like, you can't judge what you don't know.
So like I went into rehab being like, everybody hates me. Yeah. And then it's like, like what you said, like who told you that? Yeah. It's like, oh, right, yeah. I'm just like judging everything around me, assuming narratives about myself that other people have, and like nobody had those narratives. And so that was a really nice thing to learn.
It's also like in rehab, you do a lot of like cute shit where like people go, you go around the room and you like, tell Heather what you like about her. And it's really nice. You gain confidence. You really do. In rehab, [00:45:00] they make you, they make you do that. Yeah. It's a lot of therapy.
Zoe: Yeah.
Heather: It's a, a lot of therapy.
It's like six hours of class a day and then individual therapy three times a week. And then a, a CA hiking. Oh my God. Just so many addicts in withdrawal. Just trying to like get up a, oh my god. Fucking mountains. So funny. Can we stop doing this, please? Oh my God. The biggest one for me, this is the hardest one, is um.
Everyone is doing their best at any given time. Mm-hmm. With the tools they have.
Zoe: Yeah.
Heather: That's really hard for me 'cause that has a lot to do with forgiveness. And if we loop it back to my, like elementary school days, I've been carrying Mr. Teenie's rocks with me my whole fucking life. And I don't wanna forgive him.
I don't want to ever forgive him for what he did to me and the abuse that I went through and just the life he set me up for. Yeah. I don't want to, but what that is is like drinking poison and hoping the other person gets sick. Yeah. [00:46:00] It's not helpful. It's like you're ruining my life from afar and you don't even know.
And he doesn't even care. He doesn't care. So what does, what does it have to do
Zoe: with anything,
Heather: you know? Right. But I had to go and undo all that stuff. I had to figure out how that's like, gotten me to this point. And I'm like, yeah. Like I. I am worth something. Yeah. I think, I don't know yet. Like I'm, I'm, I'm in rehab and I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna do when I get out.
Mm-hmm. I'm like, this is great. I love rehab. These are my best friends. I never wanna leave. Yeah. I don't have a job. I don't have a passion. I don't know anything. I don't like myself. This is crazy. So I'm still terrified to leave. It gets to my six weeks. I gotta go and I'm crying. Oh, she's crying. She's terrified.
I was certain I was gonna, yeah. I was gonna drink. Yeah. I was like, I'm gonna drink tonight. What
Zoe: did you have in like, set up for you going out of rehab? That's
Heather: actually such a good question because they would ask us that, they're like, your exit plan. Mm-hmm. And I [00:47:00] said I was gonna go to AA and I didn't.
Mm-hmm. I like found a ho, like I found groups like you look them up, but I just. I didn't wanna go. I was scared, honestly, I was scared. I, I don't know what I'm really scared of, just walking in, being new, having to,
Zoe: I don't know. It's hard. It's like a whole new rehab, basically, the rooms. It is, it's like a whole new group of people from rehab.
Heather: I know. And I do know that if I went, I would love it and I would be the star of it. But like, I know, I don't, I don't know. I don't know. It just, it never stuck with me. Mm-hmm. And I also think that I felt really, really safe inside. Yeah. I was like, as long as I'm inside and I don't go outside. Right. I can't pick anything up.
Did
Zoe: you have like a therapist lined up right when you were getting out? No. You did have,
Heather: when I got, when I got into rehab, I emailed four clinics Yeah. In this area and a few downtown that like, weren't even, they like social workers. Yeah. Not even therapists. Yeah. Which social workers are also great. But yeah.
And they all emailed me back and they were like, we're taking clients right now, but we're not, we don't have anyone suited for addiction. Addiction. And I was like, oh no. [00:48:00] I was like, I'm not an addict. I, I went to rehab, so I'm good actually on that front. Oh. It took me so long to find a therapist. And then finally, how long?
Like seven months. What? And finally met you Were here seven months. Just like floundering white, knuckling it. Yes. That's crazy. Nadia in the park. 'cause I moved, I like still lived on church in Carlton and then I moved here. Yeah. Like
Zoe: two months after I got outta rehab. Yeah. Do you think your rehab boyfriend was keeping you sober then?
Like not keeping you sober? Thousand percent.
Heather: I had a rehab boyfriend, of course I did. I love him so much and I still do. I miss him. But um, we talked every single day. Yeah. And he was in rehab still. Like I was out, he was out two weeks after me, so he had all day to just call me. We talked all day, every day.
And then when he got out, we talked every single morning and every single night. And it did keep, it helped me. Yeah,
Zoe: I think that is like one of the things that you had to keep sober. Plus you didn't really like leave your house? Didn't leave
Heather: my house. I had, it
Zoe: seems like I also
Heather: started doing a [00:49:00] very intensive skincare routine.
Yeah. Like I was doing the Sephora stuff before I found you. Yeah, yeah. But like I was doing a lot of like two hour skincare routines. Yeah. Where it's like the shower, the washing, the hair. Yeah. Just so I could have something to do. But my cravings, I would take Nike out at four 30 and my cravings at five.
I was like, I can't do this. Yeah. I can't handle this. And so I would just start a skincare routine and then be in bed by seven. Yeah.
Zoe: And it really helped. Yeah. And then I was just in bed. No. And bed. That's exactly what you need at that time. Yeah. And I think probably when you got your therapist, seven months into being sober was when you really started to like do some work about yourself.
Yeah. And like figure things out. Well,
Heather: finally I was like really like on the verge of losing my mind at the park and my friend Nadia was like, oh. My friend is a therapist. Let me, yeah. Let me see if she'll take you. Yeah. And she took me and uh, and now if, if she, I need her. Yeah. Holy.
Zoe: Yeah. Holy. Yeah. I think love her.
That's, that must be, that must have been when you started to really like, get down to business and like, [00:50:00] continue on to this like, recovery journey that you set up to be
Heather: a year after, like the first year after rehab. I'm good again. Like what you said. I'm doing all the work. I'm reading my binder that I got my $30,000 binder.
I, I've never opened mine again after rehab. I really liked it. Yeah. And I, I was like going through my journals and I'm doing affirmations and I'm writing sticky notes on everything. Yeah. I'm doing well and I'm happy. And then I think it starts to catch up with me a little bit. Yeah. 'cause then I start to get very angry.
Yeah. A year after sobriety, like a year into sobriety, I start getting annoyed. Well, I
Zoe: think that you, when you started talking to your therapist about Mr. Tiny mm-hmm. You went through some shit.
Heather: I went through some shit. That's when you were
Zoe: really angry at the men. You would come into the clinic being. So frustrated, so angry.
And I was
Heather: driving Yeah. And driving. And I was like, men shouldn't be on the road. Yeah. Like they can't, I had such severe moral anger towards men. And by the way, I still do. Yeah. But I am trying to separate it. Yeah. I'm learning. Yeah. [00:51:00] It's just a, it's hard for me right now. Yeah. And I start opening up to my therapist and now I'm realizing as a sober person, oh, I'm not a bad person.
Not only am I not a bad person, I wasn't a bad kid. No, you weren't. And holy fuck. Yeah. Did that ruin my life for a few months? Yeah. I finding out that I was not a demon as a child. Yeah. And that all this shit was just like a result of, a result of a result. And then like, some of it was me. Yeah. And then some of it was like other people, but all of this stuff stacked on top of each other.
I really just, I still feel like that you couldn't,
Zoe: you couldn't, well, you didn't know how to deal with it because. This is new information you're finding out. Yeah. And you couldn't rely on booze. Yeah. And you were very angry during that time. Yeah. Until like, I think you figured that out with your therapist and then I think you've been good since then.
I had a really rough event
Heather: where my friend Andrew got married. Yeah. And I love him so much. He was also one of the reasons I didn't kill myself in high school. Yeah. He was like my only friend and he was getting married in Ottawa and I was like, I gotta go. [00:52:00] Right. I remember this story and I fucking, I was so like pumped.
Yeah. And I know Ottawa. Yeah. I'm from there and I got on the high. I thought it was in wonder. I figured all the wedding venues are in this direction. Yeah. He was in that direction. I started going this way and now I'm late. And I was, did I missed the wedding? Mm-hmm. And the disappointment. Yeah. I was like, why am I sober if I'm gonna be so fucking stupid?
Yeah. I can't even show up for my friends. Yeah. Like, I can't show up for them when I'm drunk. I can't show up for them when I'm sober. Yeah. But why am I sober anyways? Yeah. Yeah. I'm sober. My body still looks like shit, like so much. Like it was, and then for like, uh, two months after that I was in like a pretty severe Yeah.
Depression spiral where I was like, I yelled at a cop. Yeah.
Zoe: I was screaming at men. Well, also like when you get sober, like you expect things to happen right away. Mm-hmm. You expect to be happy right away. You expect to be skinny right away. You expect to be the best person ever right away. Yeah. But those things happen gradually and like sometimes you're not a good person.
Heather: I, I guess [00:53:00] that is part of the journey, and that's a hard one because yeah, it is supposed to be like, my anger management is better. I went to rehab, I learned all about like your window of tolerance. Like when I got outta rehab, I'm like saying all of these like buzzwords about like, I know myself so well now, I went to rehab, and then it's like, yeah.
And now all this stuff is gonna catch up with you and you're gonna have to deal with it. And I'm happy to, yeah. It is very hard. It's very hard to be sober. Yeah. It's very hard to be sober and reflect. It's very hard to be sober and date. Mm-hmm. I would go on dates with guys and they would text me and say, oh, sorry, not interested.
Mm-hmm. And I would like, well, right, because I'm a piece of shit. Mm-hmm. I'm disgusting and I'm ugly and I'm fat, and I'm a loser and I'm an alcoholic and I don't have a passion for anything. Now mind you, I'm a year out of rehab and I don't know what the fuck I wanna do. Mm-hmm. I went back to school for, for addiction and mental health.
That's great. But I don't know what I wanna do. And I'm like, I have to go back to school if that doesn't work out now what? Mm-hmm. And [00:54:00] then I was like, maybe I should talk about sobriety in a really real way. Yeah. And I never shut the fuck up about it. Mm-hmm. It's the most important thing to me. And I saw that Anne was starting her own production company and I was like, perfect, maybe I'll talk to her about it.
And it just was like such a good fit. Yeah. Tried to do it on my own for a little bit. Crazy. Crazy. Doesn't work LO well. And I was like, what am I doing? I'd like to have sober conversations. Yeah. Like going to, going to rehab and realizing like, oh my God, I love having these conversations about trauma.
Mm-hmm. And like boredom and addiction. It's the best fucking thing
Zoe: in the world because you can work it out together. Mm-hmm. Like some us as addicts, like we feel seen when we're talking to another addict because we can get each other like, we know what, even though some of the stuff is different. The baseline is all the same.
Yeah. We felt the same way. [00:55:00]
Heather: Addiction feels like a solo sport.
Zoe: Yeah.
Heather: It's not because your whole fucking family and friends and people in your orbit are involved in it, and they're worried, but it really is so personal and it's,
Zoe: it's so isolating.
Heather: Yeah. And then to
Zoe: know that there's so many other people out there, like you is so comforting.
Yeah. And it's a community of people that, like, I never wanna leave.
Heather: Mm-hmm.
Zoe: And it just feels so good. And I'm so happy that we found each other too, because Yeah. That's crazy. We didn't find each other in a meeting. You came into my work. Mm-hmm. And instantly it was like, okay, we get each other because we're both sober.
And that's the whole point. Well, like,
Heather: I cared about you right away. Yeah. Like, I didn't even need to know you. I'm just like, you've been through shit. Yeah. And like, I, I, I got you. Yeah. You know, like it really, no, as soon as
Zoe: the esthetician told me, like. She is, I can't say sleeping with a married man.
It's okay. We cut it out [00:56:00] as soon as the esthetician told me that you were sober. Yeah. And that you had like these sexual relationships with these men. Mm-hmm. Because I was also like doing my crazy sexual experiences then too. Yeah.
Heather: It is really nice. And like my favorite people in the world now are sober people.
It's like the real version of people. And I want that. When I, when people, when people go, I'm fine. I go, no, you're not. Well,
Zoe: yeah. It doesn't even need to be like sober people or like, it's just like, as long as you talk about life in a real way. Yeah. I'm gonna like you. Yeah. As long as you're not bullshitting stuff, I'm gonna like you.
Yeah. If you talk to me like I'm a real person and, and not just like a fragment of your imagination.
Heather: Yeah.
Zoe: I'm gonna respect you and I'm gonna like you.
Heather: Yeah.
Zoe: It's so nice. But there's so many people out in this world who just walk through life Yeah. Just like looking for the next thing.
Heather: Mm-hmm.
Zoe: And those aren't my people.
Heather: No, no. I, I feel like I've been through way too much Yeah. To even pretend to be any way [00:57:00] surface. Yeah. And I can't, I, I really, no, we can't
Zoe: pretend because if we start pretending that we're okay, then we're gonna relapse too. There's so many things that we have to just be honest about how we're feeling.
That's why I like that we do the mental health check-ins. Mm-hmm. Because like, we need to be honest with how we're feeling. We can't just lie and say, every week we're amazing and we're 10 out of 10. No. Some weeks are gonna be a two, some weeks are gonna be a 10. Yeah. It depends on what's going on in our life.
Just because we're sober doesn't mean we're a hundred percent happy all the time. There's things that are still gonna come in and out of our lives that we are gonna have to learn to deal with sober. And we do. Yeah. Thank God. Yeah. There are
Heather: things that I would like to drink about. Yeah. Today I was so sad.
I was like lying on my bed and I texted you and I was like, and I was like, I would rather be drinking. But honestly now sitting here across from you having these conversations, I'm like, oh my God, I don't need to drink. I'm fine. Yeah, exactly. Like it is
Zoe: fine. It's just like a blip in the universe. Now that we have those thoughts and.
I'm so proud of you, babe. [00:58:00] Thank
Heather: you. The things I'm working on now, I would say are my anger management, my moral anger, and not throwing up when I have sex. Yeah. But on Monday I'm seeing your godmother. Oh
Zoe: my God, that came up so quick. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I wonder what she's gonna,
Heather: my godmother is a sex therapist.
I told my sister yesterday, I was like, oh, I have sex therapy on Monday with Zoe's godmother. And she went, Ugh. And I went, Karen, I said, she's not gonna fuck me. She's gonna tell me how to have sex. And she was, it was very funny. But I'm like, can you just for one second be cool that I'm as actual person?
Yeah. But I'm really excited and I'm excited to see kind of, I'm terrified. Mm-hmm. This podcast terrifies me. Hmm.
Zoe: I feel like I just like pretend that no one listens and that's how I get through this life of us podcasting.
Heather: Yeah. I just know what happened to me was so hard for me, and I know that I'm not the only one.
Yeah. And I don't ever think I'm gonna be the only one, you
Zoe: know? Well, yeah. Like. You needed us when you [00:59:00] were listening to podcasts, like Yeah. That thank God you had Dax and Monica. Mm-hmm. But what if you didn't have them? Uh, it would've taken me a lot longer Yeah.
Heather: To get sober. Yeah. That's for sure. Yeah, that's for sure.
For sure. I didn't even know I was an addict. No, I didn't know. You didn't know
Zoe: the words.
Heather: You didn't know. I didn't know the words. Even when I was like full blown addiction. Mm-hmm. I didn't really get that. I was an addict. Yeah. You know, I needed to be told, I needed someone to tell me that. Like what I was doing was people do it.
Yeah. It's not good. You can stop it, you know?
Zoe: Yeah. That's so amazing. Yeah. I really do love that, that it does come back to the podcast of It all Comes back to the podcast of it all. Well, next week, I'm so proud of you, babe. Think so. And yeah. Next week. I guess like we gotta do me next week. We gotta do you.
Heather: All right. Well. Thanks for listening. I'm proud of you.
Zoe: Thanks
Heather: guys. See you. Bye
drunk. Thanks for listening to [01:00:00] Girl Undrunk. You can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Girl Undrunk podcast and or send me an email at heather@girlundrunk.com and I'll tell you all about my sex therapy.
Zoe: Oh my God, I can't wait. I know. I'm really,
Heather: really, really, really,
Zoe: really excited.
Heather: We'll
Zoe: see how she goes.
See how
Heather: she goes. I
Zoe: hope that that was for follow. I wanna see your.jot notes so I can like see what you wrote down. Dot
Heather: jot notes.jot
Zoe: notes. Jot
Heather: notes.
Zoe: Dot jot.
Heather: Why are you
Zoe: saying.jot? I swear it's dot jot.
Heather: I think it's just jot
Zoe: notes, but it's a dot. Yeah. There'll be things that I say you're like, absolutely not.
I don't know where you get them from.
Heather: I mean, maybe you're right, but I don't know.
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