#20: Your Questions, Answered.

This week, Heather and Zoe dive into your questions about mental health, sobriety, and relationships. They discuss how to handle friendships with addicts, the fear of being boring without alcohol, and dating while sober. Total honesty, as always.

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Your Questions, Answered: Transcript

Heather: [00:00:00] This podcast covers sensitive topics that may be difficult for some listeners. Please take care while listening.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi, I'm Heather. Hey guys. I'm Zoe. Welcome back to Girl Undrunk. We are. I actually 

Zoe: am in a good mood today. Yeah. I've been up for two hours and it's eight 15 in the morning, so eight 

Heather: 15 in the morning. Yeah. I was up at, I was up at five, but Wow. But I went to bed so early I went, I was in my bed eyes starting to close at like eight 50.

Wow. That's impressive. Yeah, it was really nice. It was so nice. 

Zoe: Impressive. I was at a. What would I call it? I guess it's like [00:01:00] a influencer dinner. Well, it wasn't even 'cause it was just like a soft opening, I guess. A soft opening to a restaurant was the restaurant. Cool. So there was like multiple floors. It kind of felt very Nashville to me.

Like when I went to the bars in Nashville. Yeah, there was like five different floors and each floor was a different vibe. It was kind of like that. Okay. Yeah. Did you like, 

Heather: that's also like Bergin, but there's just more sex the higher you go. 

Zoe: Yeah. And it wasn't like dancey. I think it's more gonna be like restaurants, different floors.

I think it, that's good. Like cool. The rooftop is kind of more of like a bar scene. It's an outdoor rooftop. It was like cool. But yeah, not enough food. Not enough food. 

Heather: We just like are al, we're always children. Yeah. We always need to have food. Adults definitely need to have food. 'cause then when adults throw tantrums, it's actually, yeah.

Dangerous. Yes. So we need to be feeding people. Well, it's 

Zoe: just like I expected there to be food and maybe I just shouldn't expect anything ever. And then I would [00:02:00] never get highly like hopes down. 

Heather: Low expectations. 

Zoe: Low expectations. Always guys. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: That's how I would go into dating. It's just like, I don't fucking care.

Heather: I really like when people care too 

Zoe: much 

Heather: or like put too much pressure on things. You're gonna get hurt. It's one of those things where I'm like, oh yeah. Like I always go into things with low expectations. I think that's a thing that I say to myself, but that is not, it's not true. No, that's not true. I'm like always expecting like, or at least for me to be my best.

Yeah. You know, like I, I, right. I put a lot of pressure on that. Like how can I curate the date to make it so good? Yeah. You know, but not on you baby. Yeah. I wanna be neutral. That's like one of the things I, like, I was talking to my therapist about yesterday. I was like, I just wanna be. Yeah. And that's, there was a point when I got her to rehab where I think a lot of newly sober people feel like this, where they are pretty fucking neutral.

Yeah. Like when you, that first like six months at a rehab, you're like, window of tolerance, [00:03:00] staying neutral, staying in my lane, not letting the outside world affect me. And it does really work. Yeah. And then it stops and I'm like, 

Zoe: shit. Well I think like a lot of the time, like you get outta rehab and then like there's nothing that's gonna like come into your world.

Yeah. Like there you're pretty neutral because nothing's else is happening. Yeah. But then like eight to 12 months down the line stuff starts happening in your life and you're like, fuck, I have to deal with this sober. Yeah. And that's where it really like tests you if everything was neutral all the time, like Yeah, of course you can get through anything, but life is about like having problems and solving them 

Heather: ebbs and flows.

Yeah. Yeah. It just, I do know as an addict it's like the more I let myself get outside of my window of tall, I'm like. That's where the drinking starts. Yeah. That's like the relapse behavior. The like being like, okay, I don't need to bring myself back to neutral. I can go to bed in like a, this state and like, yeah.

Just yell at people. Like, it's, it's not good. So I do my, my path is so [00:04:00] quick though, from like, being neutral to being a hundred crazy for like weeks. 

Zoe: Yeah. But I feel like that's almost, that's not say better, but like, it's the same, like, for me, I'm like, I push a lot of shit underneath. Sure. And then like one day I'll explode.

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: And like, what's that gonna be like? Oh 

Heather: my God. Gotta wait and see. I think the other day I was like, do you get mad? Yeah. Do you ever get mad at anything? Like, I don't know. Yeah. I've never seen you like, lose your 

Zoe: shit. Well, I was mad the other day when we recorded. 'cause I thought I was just being like a, like nothing was happening in my brain.

I just felt mush. 

Heather: Mm. 

Zoe: Last time, last week. Yeah. Yeah. Not yesterday. I did too. I was mushy, but we looked 

Heather: so cute that episode. We 

Zoe: did look really cute. So it's literally fine. It's literally fine. 

Heather: As long as we're cute. 

Zoe: As long as we're cute. 

Heather: Um, so it's been a week. Yeah. Um, how are, how is your mental health? My mental health is good.

Zoe: Um, yeah, I feel like there's been a lot going on, but I have like a break [00:05:00] this weekend. Mm-hmm. So I'm just excited to relax. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: Are you gonna go to the water? 

Heather: Is there water over there? 

Zoe: Yeah, I'm either, I'm gonna go to the beach definitely. And Sarnia on Monday. And then I think on Sunday we're either gonna go to the beach in Chatham or we're gonna go on the boat in chat.

Ooh, who has a boat? His, my boyfriend's mom's. Husband. So his stepdad. 

Heather: Okay. Yeah. Okay. That's fun. Yeah. It's nice to know someone with a boat. It really is gonna boat. We gotta find a boat That's gonna be you soon. We gotta find a boat. It's gonna be you next year. We gotta get a Girl Undrunk pontoon. Yeah.

Pontoon 

Zoe: on the pontoon. As soon as we got into the, um, dinner event last night, there was like a fucking, um, country music band playing. Huh? Like right as we walked in, there was just like a country music and I was wearing my cowboy boots. So I like knew. Yeah, you were like me. I feel so right in my boots.

Yeah. And then they handed us tequila shots and then 

Heather: now in general, we had to swerve that. That didn't, you weren't expecting that to be a country anything. No. So in general, how do you feel when you walk into a [00:06:00] bar and it's like unannounced that there's country music playing? Like how do you feel about country music?

About 

Zoe: um, I mean, it's not my preferred genre. No, 

Heather: no. However, 

Zoe: however, like. When we're at the Lake House next weekend, yes. We can play some country music by the fire. So I'm not opposed to that. 

Heather: I was dri, where was I? Why was I in the car for so long the other day? Oh, new market. Oh, okay. And I, when you drive to new market, it's like more country vibe.

Yeah. Than well than the city. Yeah. And just like driving that way, I like, I didn't put on any music, but there was like some country song that came on. Mm-hmm. And I was like, first of all, I know all the words. And second of all, like in the privacy of my own car, yeah. I'm okay with this. Yeah. I'm okay with this.

Yeah. You know, it is nice. That's like what we listened to growing up. It was always country. Country in the car. And I'm like 

Zoe: nostalgia. I feel like it wasn't country growing up really. And then my family moved to Sarnia and then all of a sudden my dad was like, country, country, country. Big truck. Let me buy a big [00:07:00] truck.

Yeah. All the, it turned him into a completely different person. SAR needed did, turned us all into different people. I 

Heather: wonder if the girls who loved Brad Paisley are also the girls who loved T Swift. 'cause I'm trying to think like country, there was a big Brad Paisley thing going on, and if, I don't think that Brad Paisley is like a hot person, like he's not for me.

Yeah. I mean, he's a good looking person, but not for me. So I never really understood why everyone was like in love with Brad Paisley. It was probably just like the country vibe, but it just wasn't my vibe. But it was, people had a boner for that guy. 

Zoe: I can't even think about what he looks like, to be honest.

Heather: Just like white cowboy hat. True. Classic, classic America. Um, yeah. But I think we can listen to some country. 

Zoe: I'm, I'm excited, I'm like down to listen to country in certain settings. Am I ever gonna put it on by myself? Absolutely not. And um, I saw someone that I follow post a carousel the other day of what's a carousel?

The slides on, um, [00:08:00] Instagram. Oh. Oh. Like a post with like multiple, 

Heather: oh, I did not know that's what it was called. I'm just a slideshow, slideshow PowerPoint on my Instagram. 

Zoe: But she posted it to the song, A song by Zach Bryan. And now I was like, oh. And now I hate you. 

Heather: That's weird. That's weird, eh? Well, the person I'm involved with just told me that he went to, uh, a cafe the other day and they, someone they were playing Diddy and Mace, like they were playing just like an old bop.

And he was like, that was so weird. And like, maybe it's a lapse of judgment or like, maybe it's not a playlist or whatever, but I'm like, yeah, maybe it's just like random Spotify playlist. Like that just keeps going. And like, but I'm just like, guys, no, it's not appropriate. It's like I hear remix to ignition randomly often.

Yeah. And I'm like, guys, why is this even in the zeitgeist? This shouldn't, this should be wiped. Should we do mental health or do you wanna get into that right now? Let's do until fourth first. [00:09:00] Okay. I know. It is like a good conversation. We're going into everything. 

Zoe: Um, yeah. My mental health is good. Um, I also saw my friends the other day.

I haven't seen them in like, probably like three, four weeks. Mm-hmm. So that was really nice. Um, at, at the beach? At the beach, she, one of them, it was her birthday and she hung out at the beach all day long. They were there from like 2:00 PM till 9:00 PM cooked on a random like Wednesday. 'cause none of them like work 'cause they're young.

They're in school still. Yeah. How fortunate. Um, but I went there like after work and my one friend was like, how are you? Like, how's work, whatever. And I said, work's literally fine. Whatever, like work's work. Mm-hmm. And she said, yeah, I guess I. When I think about you now, I think about the podcast, not your actual job, which was really sweet.

Yeah. And then she admitted that she still hasn't listened to the podcast. Mm-hmm. Because she's afraid to listen. Yeah. Because I think she knows that she is an alcoholic and she needs to stop drinking. 

Heather: Mm-hmm. 

Zoe: She wants to slow down her [00:10:00] drinking and moderate it, but she, again, she's been saying that for like a year now.

Heather: Yeah. And 

Zoe: like putting rules on like, I can have two drinks a night, or if it's an event I can do shots, whatever. 

Heather: Mm-hmm. 

Zoe: She sent that to me last week and meanwhile she was doing shots at the beach on Wednesday. Mm-hmm. So it's like I don't, we are already not following this, but my people that I swear myself drink more than yours do.

Yeah. So I feel like my group of people, well, because the 

Heather: people in my life are you, no. 

Zoe: You 

Heather: do have some other people. I do. I, yeah, yeah, 

Zoe: yeah. But I feel like my people, like, I feel like a lot of them probably are more scared to listen to the podcast because of those reasons. Yeah. Because like they are scared to look at their drinking, which.

It brings up a point like if you are still drinking, you can still listen to the podcast. Like we're not shaming you for drinking. Yeah. It's just like we're talking about our experiences from drinking. 

Heather: How do you feel? Yeah. Having a friend who's like clearly Well and now it's interesting because she is like said [00:11:00] some things to you like that.

Yeah. Even mentioning the podcast is like, okay, 

Zoe: yeah. You're 

Heather: saying to me you can't listen because you're gonna have to look inward. That's great actually. Yeah. That's like a really interesting step. But how do you feel as a person who has a friend Yeah. Going through this kind of struggle? 

Zoe: I mean, it's interesting because she has, this isn't the first time she's mentioned something like that to me before.

Mm-hmm. Like I said, she's been like, I think she's known that she has a problem for at least a year now. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: I remember going to Tiff last year with her, like the Toronto International Film Festival and she admitted to me that night that like she wanted to stop. Wow. And like she kind of. Was going through it.

Um, and then she was gonna do like dry October, and then she drank a week after that. So it's like this has been happening. So she's been knowing it's just what, when is she gonna be ready to take the actual steps Yeah. To being sober. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: But this is the foundation, like when I, this is, yeah. [00:12:00] Like these are all good things that she's saying.

Mm-hmm. And at least she's realizing it. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: But when I would admit it, I would be like, yeah, I'm an alcoholic. Like Right. I love it. Like I, I'm a drunk guys. I fucking love being an alcoholic. Yeah. Like, that's was my internal thing. Like I had to switch it to be like, I fucking love that I drink too much.

Heather: But then, 

Zoe: but did you hate it? Yeah, but I had to say that to myself, so I didn't like look too much inward, you know, I could admit it, but I had to admit it into like a, I fucking love it. Okay. Not like I'm depressed because of it. Yeah. You like flip the script on 

Heather: yourself. 

Zoe: Exactly. 

Heather: It is interesting. It's, it's.

It's cool. And I'd imagine a little scary to have a friend who you're like, you are drinking so much, and like, does it give you like hope when she says things like that? Or are you just like watching from the outside? It does 

Zoe: gimme hope, but I feel like I've gone through this with like a few of my friends before.

Like they say they wanna stop and then they don't, and then they say they wanna come to meetings and they don't. So it's [00:13:00] just, it's nice that they say it. I don't get my hopes up until like some action's being made. 

Heather: Mm-hmm. 

Zoe: And obviously they're there. They know that I'm there for them when they're ready.

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: But it's not my responsibility to like reach out and be like, Hey, are you drinking today? Like Yeah. 

Heather: You know? Yeah. That is a good point too. It's like this, this podcast is a sobriety mental health podcast. Yeah. But sobriety is all of that. Yeah. It's the foundational steps. It's, it's from the first time you say, oh my God, I might be drinking too much.

Yeah. Or I've had a. Drink every single day for the past two months, or month or a year. Yeah. For me it was that I was in Toronto. Mm-hmm. And I'd been there for a year and I was like, I've been drunk every single day for two years actually. Yeah. And I knew that, and though even looking back, I'm like, that was a step to sobriety.

Yeah. Even though that was the beginning of like, the worst addiction ever, it was like I was admitting like I knew something was happening and you kind of keep doing that. Yeah. And then before I got sober, it was [00:14:00] probably like a year Yeah. Before I got sober where I started planting seeds. Yeah. Of just like randomly saying it like, I, I drink too much or I can't stop, or like, I wanna go to rehab.

Yeah. I wouldn't say all these things when I was drunk, but listening to you talk about your friend, it, it, it's your friend so you're close to it. But I'm like, it kind of sparks some hope in me a little bit because it's like, yeah, she knows. 

Zoe: And like we said, like unfortunately something. She hasn't maybe hit her rock bottom yet.

Yeah. Like maybe some bad things still need to happen to her. What? That's like the hard part of like being her friend, like knowing like, oh, maybe like she does need to fucking go through more shit. Mm-hmm. To realize. But that's like what happens. It's the same thing, like if you have a friend who's dating a bad boyfriend, you know?

Yeah. It's like they need to figure it out for themselves that this fucking man sucks. Yep. Same with drinking. You just have to wait for them to realize that they have a problem. 

Heather: Yep. Same with eating, same with working out too much. Yeah. It's all very connected. Yeah. It's like you can know you wanna stop, you can know you do [00:15:00] something too much, but then still be like, I've got it.

Yeah. I can handle it. Or it's still serving me in a way. I can't not ready to give it up. Yeah. And then when you do, you're like, I have to go and break up with this relationship with alcohol I've had for my whole life. And that's the only thing that's been with me. And now I'm gonna cry. Yeah. You know, it's like, it's, it's hard, but it is.

It is. It's so cool that you are in a situation where like you're surrounded by people who do drink. Mm-hmm. And if they need to not, they can come to you. Yeah. That's so cool. 

Zoe: I love it. 

Heather: Yeah. And like, 

Zoe: same with all of you guys. All good. Come to us. Come to us. That's interesting. But yeah, so mental health, my mental health is good.

Yeah. I would say, I'm like, I'm rocking 

Heather: with a seven or eight today. Good. Yeah. Okay. Honestly, I feel so much better today than I did yesterday. 

Zoe: Yeah. 

Heather: Yeah. My energy I came with in with yesterday, I think I was just tired yesterday. It was also 40 degrees at 8:00 AM Yeah, that's also true. Yeah. I mean, it isn't, not that today, [00:16:00] but 

Zoe: it's, yeah.

I can't think about how summer is ending soon. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: Because I will literally cry. 

Heather: Yeah, it does give me nausea. It gives me the same nausea of like, oh, we're going back to school. Yeah. Even though we're not. Yeah. It's like, that's so interesting. That like fall crisp, dewy sweater. I'm like, oh no, it's happening again.

Um, how's your mental health? My mental health is, it's fine. Honestly. I'm, I'm good. Things are good. I'm good. My mental health is always gonna be crazy. Yeah. I feel good. I had therapy yesterday. I think at the very least, I feel really connected to who I am and what I want. Yeah. And that's really nice. And yeah, I don't have to get too much into that, but I just, I feel, I feel like I know me in a way that like I've never known myself.

Well, you're 

Zoe: trusting yourself more too. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's like with some relationships that you have, you like want to like know what they are right away or like. [00:17:00] Want to figure them out. But you have time, like you have Yeah. The privilege of time. Like you don't have to figure out what you guys are doing.

Also, also, like you can take it slow. Yeah. And that's that like, you know mm-hmm. 

Heather: I listened to the clip of yours mm-hmm. Like over and over again yesterday. That was just like, this is your first relationship. Yeah. I'm gonna say ever. 'cause you're sober. Yeah. And I'm like, I, I really like took that in last night.

Yeah. I was like it. That's that's right. Yeah. I'm like young, I'm just, I haven't done this before. I haven't been in a sober relationship. So everything 

Zoe: Yeah. Is 

Heather: sober. Everything is new and I'm even having friends, honestly is new. Yeah. So I'm like, I just feel like I'm trying to do everything all at once perfectly.

Yeah. And that can't be because I don't have practice, 

Zoe: even though I haven't dated someone since being sober. Like this is my first relationship. Like I've had situations, ships Yeah. With guys for like six months before. Mm-hmm. Like, you know, like I've been in. Relationships with other people, or they thought you were in a [00:18:00] relationship and you Well, they definitely thought we were dating and I was not dating them because they did ask.

Yeah. If you don't ask me to date, I'm not gonna be exclusive with you. No, I'm just floating around. I'm just floating until you fuck me down. Like George Clooney, that's exactly what my boyfriend did, talking about my boyfriend. Mm-hmm. He told me yesterday that he listened or he um, he, uh, he told me that he read the transcript to the podcast from yesterday.

Is that the wording? He read the transcript. He read what we were saying, I guess. Like an Apple podcast. Yeah. It's writes it all out. He 

Heather: didn't listen to it? No, 

Zoe: he didn't listen to it. Wait, I, he just like did a scroll and, 'cause he saw that we were talking about open relationships, so he wanted to see what the fuck we were saying.

Yeah. And then he saw that we were talking about. Licking assholes, 

Heather: Uhhuh 

Zoe: and Oh, and that I would lick his asshole. Yeah. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, I'm actually like, I've gotten my asshole licked before. Like, I would like that I 

Heather: love him. 

Zoe: And he was like, but would you want Heather to do it? [00:19:00] And I said, well, listen, I don't have, I don't need to lick your asshole, Don.

You don't feel like you need to, don't, I don't, I don't necessarily want to, unless you really want me to. But Heather loves slicking men's hassles, so why don't you just let her do it? Yeah. And he was like, yeah, if she like, loves it, then yeah. Yeah. 

Heather: We can have her do it. I mean, I don't love it in the way I love pizza, but like, yeah.

I, I, if it's there, I'll do it. I know. If it's, if we're like in a thing, then yeah, 100%. 

Zoe: Yeah. So he said that he's gonna keep his asshole kept throughout the whole lake out next weekend, just in case. Just in case anything happens. 

Heather: Like me and your boyfriend, like, don't kiss, but like I do put my tongue in his ass.

Exactly. 

Zoe: How close are you guys? Pretty fucking close. Pretty close. Yeah. That's the thing I wanted to tell you that I need to be really happy about. That's so, I'm so happy about both of those things. Yeah. The, the, 

Heather: the reading the transcript is super weird, but I love that. Super weird. Well 

Zoe: then when he said that, I was like, okay, well now you have to go back and like say that you [00:20:00] listened to it.

So at least we get a view. Like, 'cause you fucking read the whole 

Heather: thing. No. Every week. Whether he listens, reads or not. Yeah. I need you to go like, subscribe, like literally. And actually, let me bring that up now. Hi guys. Hi guys. It is so helpful. Mm-hmm. If you like and subscribe and share the podcast, share it, please.

Yeah. It tell your friends. Yeah, tell your friends. Post it on your Insta if you're watching it or if you're listening to it on audio, it would really And tag us. Yeah. We love that. We can be friends on Instagram. Yeah. But like, just like, like subscribe if you are around and you have your phone out right now.

Zoe: Thanks guys. 

Heather: Thanks guys. Love you. Love you now. My mental health took a bit of a turn last night. I don't wanna say my mental health. My mental health is fine. But last night I had a nice cry. You texted me that thing and I knew it was coming and I just have been looking at me. I'm like, really massaging this chair.

I knew it was coming, but uh, I was like, one, one of the early video episodes we talked about Yeah. The NHL [00:21:00] Hockey Canada trial. Mm-hmm. With em and these five men. And yesterday they, all five men were found not guilty. Not guilty. Not guilty of any charges. Yeah. Yeah. The judge said that the evidence was 

Zoe: not credible or reliable.

Heather: Yeah. A female judge. Yeah. Just think it's important to point that out. Now, I'm not gonna say, we're not gonna say these like men's names ever. Yeah. Again, it's just 

Zoe: like so unfortunate when things like this happen. Mm-hmm. Because it feels like it's all just going like the opposite way. Like Yeah. We think like we're so hopeful and that we think that things are moving forward.

Yeah. And then we get like news like this and it's just like, Nope, we're still exactly where we are. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: 50 plus years ago. Like nothing has fucking changed. 

Heather: Yeah. I think when things like this happen and it's also, well, okay, when things like this happen and people are found not guilty, men are found not guilty of abusing women, raping women, [00:22:00] all women who have ever mm-hmm.

Been in any situation, abuse, violence, sexual abuse, anything like that. Mm-hmm. Or you didn't feel like you had a voice in this situation. Yeah. This thing, this trial verdict hurts all of us. Yeah, I know. It feels like, oh, I'm gonna cry. Mm-hmm. I know it feels like a fuck you. Mm-hmm. To anyone who has like spoken up or had a friend that needs to speak up or something has happened to you and it feels like, well, fuck me, I don't matter.

Mm-hmm. But you do. We do. Mm-hmm. All of us do. And you do matter. It's not a fuck you, it's a fuck the system. Yeah. And. If anything, Zoe, and I see you so fucking clearly we, and if anything, 

Zoe: just like speak up more, like, you know, like break the system more, like keep fucking fighting. Yeah. Like clearly we need to fucking keep fighting.

Yeah. Because we're still not getting the [00:23:00] same treatment as these men do. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: So, 

Heather: well, yeah. We live in a world where we treat rapists better than we treat women. Mm-hmm. And that's fucking true. And it's horrible. And it's scary. And it's sad. And I think the reaction sometimes is to get small. It feels like, well, anyone can do anything to me.

Why am I working so hard on my life when it doesn't matter? Mm-hmm. What I do or what I am. If you can just take it from me. I think that's the impetus sometimes or the, the, the, the feeling, the reaction. Yeah. But I think what needs to happen is we need to get big. Yeah. And we need to get loud. I think so too, because I don't give a fuck what that judge said.

Yeah. That judge is wrong. Those men are wrong and so many men are wrong. Mm-hmm. It just doesn't fucking matter. Like whatever they said, whatever the verdict is, we all know what's true. Mm-hmm. Em knows what's true. Their parents know what's true and we're just gonna keep fighting for it. 

Zoe: Yeah. 

Heather: That's all we can do.

Like, it's all we can do and we love [00:24:00] you. Yeah. It's just, it's all also coming around the same time as, you know, the Diddy verdict and it's, well, 

Zoe: did you see, um, who's the girl who took Shyla Buff to court? FK Twigs. Oh yeah. FK Twigs dropped the case against Shyla Buff. Were they 

Heather: dating? 

Zoe: Yes. Okay. And then some like abuse happened within the relationship.

FK twigs. Accused Shyla, buff of abuse. Mm-hmm. And I think that was going on for like years now. And she just dropped the case. Um, and everyone's saying like, that just means that he paid her off. Yeah, 

Heather: of course it does. Yeah. Or she's fucking exhausted. Yeah. 

Zoe: Or she's exhausted and she's seen the Diddy stuff.

Mm-hmm. Like she's seen all these cases where the women don't fucking win. 

Heather: No, it's money. It's ex, she's also paying out so much money to her lawyers to keep this fucking shit going. Exactly. And it's like, and he can just do that. He can shell out as much money as he wants. 'cause he has more probably, I don't know, FK twigs, like I fucking love her [00:25:00] music.

She must have some 

Zoe: money as well. 

Heather: Yeah, yeah. I'm sure. But it's not fair because she's the victim. Yeah. So she shouldn't have to do that. Yeah, exactly. But at some point, yeah. You have to decide whether like, I'm gonna keep exhausting myself and putting my fucking family through this. Yeah. And my friends and myself like, or I just live my life.

Yeah. And he can go fuck himself. Yeah. It's really, really hard. Oftentimes with women winning is just like learning how to forgive and move on. Yeah. And that is, that's a great skill to have. Yeah. But it's fucking bullshit. Yeah. Like, you know, I know. It, it really, it really, I think about it all the time that em, this, this girl from the NHL trial, the victim, the survivor is sitting in court telling her story in front of her mom and dad.

Yeah. I don't even walk, want my dad to walk me down the aisle. Mm-hmm. I find that so cringey and so cringe. Not that I don't love my dad, I love my dad, but we're not like doing a performance for everybody. And now, like this girl has to explain what happened to her. Yeah. Multiple times to multiple [00:26:00] men.

Yeah. Police officers, people who work in the courtroom, all those, there's, it's mostly men. And now she has to do all of this and then try to win a fucking trial. Yeah. And it's like, okay, it's exhausting 

Zoe: and 

Heather: we just, we really 

Zoe: believe you. We believe all women, all 

Heather: women. 

Zoe: Yeah, don't shrink. Just get stronger.

Yeah. And get louder. And if you can't get loud right now, that's okay. We're here. Yeah. We'll do it. Yeah. Just like rant to us, like DM us, like rant. Mm-hmm. It's, it's fine. We got you. 

Heather: We got, let's get into what we're going to talk about today. What are we going talk goodbye today? Hey, well actually, oh, and yesterday was Anne's birthday, so happy birthday.

Happy birthday Anne. Happy birthday. Arian Ann 31 and feeling fun. Fuck you. She got a, she got a husband. She does got one of those. She got a dog. She got a dog and a husband. She's so pretty. She's so pretty great. Great bone structure in that [00:27:00] face. Yeah. Remember the first time I met Arianne, I was like flawless skin too.

Great skin flawless. I don't actually know if I've ever seen a. Blemish on Anne's face. Probably not. She's perfect. Okay. So today we're, uh, I'm actually really excited about this Me too conversation 'cause we got some questioners. 

Zoe: Yeah. Questioners. We got some questions. We got some questions from the listeners.

Heather: Yes. 

Zoe: That's where we got questioners. We got 

Heather: questioners from the listens. We asked on Instagram, if you're following our Instagram at Girl Undrunk, we put it on Instagram. Like, we just want you guys to ask us what you want to know. 'cause Yeah, ask an addict. I liked that. Ask an ask an addict. Ask an answer, asked.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the hilly. Shut the hilly, shut the hell up. Shut the hilly. Um, yeah, so we, we, we put out a post and said, we wanna know what you guys wanna know. And we were very surprised with how many submissions we got. So we have, we did, we actually get a lot. We got a bunch. Okay. We got like 10.

Zoe: Fuck yeah, I 

Heather: know. 

Zoe: Yeah. We should do this like, kind of [00:28:00] often. Yeah. I like not like. Once a month, but like every, every quarter. Well, what's 

Heather: nice is like we get questions that I'm like, oh, that's something that like, we probably, like I probably mentioned, or you probably mentioned Yeah. Touched Sean, but not like explained.

Yeah. So it's nice to know what people are hearing and then like, wanna know. I agree. Because we wanna tell you literally everything you wanna know. Yeah. Like truly we're open books, like we're doing this May as well do it. And anything like sobriety, relapse, drinking drugs, sex friendships, beep, bop boop, whatever.

Yeah. Um, anal. 

Zoe: Anal. Because the past 

Heather: 10 minutes I didn't do anal guys. Oh yeah. Zoe told us she was gonna do anal and now she, yeah. I didn't, I backed out. 

Zoe: That's okay. But we you backed, 

Heather: you backed out. You backed in. You didn't back in. 

Zoe: I didn't want the butt plug was enough. The butt 

Heather: plug. But So you did do the butt plug?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So good. So good. So good. So hot. We got some questions and we're just gonna start. We're just gonna start. Okay. I haven't, I don't know what these are [00:29:00] gonna 

Zoe: be, so I'm kind of scared. Did I send you any of, Nope. I didn't send you a screenshot. Nope, I 

Heather: didn't. No, it's okay. Okay, we're ready. Okay.

So the first question we got is, I like this one. As a person with someone in their life who's an addict and doesn't wanna fully acknowledge, see the severity of it. How do I navigate this without alienating them? I don't wanna shame them, but I'm worried about them. 

Zoe: So did they admit that they have a problem or do they don't know that they have a problem?

So it 

Heather: seems that they have a problem, but they don't fully want to acknowledge it. Right. And they don't see the severity of how bad it is, but the people around them, I guess do. Yeah. This questioner, this listener has asked that how to navigate this without alienating them. So I'm assuming 

that 

Zoe: means like they wanna still hang out with them, but they don't wanna like make them a priority.

Yeah. Yeah, because like you can. Like, you do need to take some things away from people in addiction so that they can see what they're Yeah. How they're harming other people. Yeah. [00:30:00] You know? So like, yeah. You don't need to make this person a priority anymore. And you can even tell them like, Hey, I can't hang out with you all the time.

Like, I can't put you first because this is like really hard for me to see you like this. Mm-hmm. And like, I don't wanna not be there for you, but I just need to like keep an arms distance. Like I'm always here when you're ready to reach out and like we can, we can still see each other. Yeah. But I am not, it's like too hard for me to be, to see you every day like this.

Yeah. And you think you can, 

Heather: do you think you would have the confidence or courage to say that to somebody? I think I've already kind of said that to my one friend. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah. And someone has said it to you too. Yeah, 

Zoe: yeah. I, I, it's, well, when my friends cut me off, she was like, no, I have to not see you completely.

And honestly, I think if someone said to me like, Hey, like I am gonna be there for you, but I can't fully be there for you anymore because you're, 

Heather: yeah. 

Zoe: It's sad for me. I can't see you like this. Yeah. [00:31:00] That would make me way, feel way better than just cutting me out completely. Yeah. Like, I wanna know that I can still reach out to you if I need support.

Heather: Mm-hmm. 

Zoe: Yeah. I think that, I think that, but to know that I'm harming someone would make me like actually look inward and be like, wait, I'm hurting someone that I care about. 

Heather: Yeah. Yeah. I think I. I think that when, when someone is sick or struggling, sometimes if you're a friend and you're like an empath, you wanna go towards them.

Yeah. And I think sometimes what that does is it enables the addict. Yeah, I think so too. Now you're around when they're drinking and that like makes it seem like you're okay with it. Yeah. And even if like they know you're not super okay with it, you're there. Yeah. And so it's like, well, I'm just gonna desensitize that person to it.

Yeah. And I think there's a bit of enablement that goes on with that, that isn't anyone's fault. Yeah. A lot of the time enablement is like nobody's active fault. Well, because you wanna like continue to be 

Zoe: there for them, like you care about them, obviously. But I think Yeah. Like you shouldn't be around this person Yeah.

When she is [00:32:00] drinking, 

Heather: you know? Yeah. I, I guess I would say, well the part of this that is hard is like I am so worried about them. Yeah. And I don't wanna shame them. Yeah. I think the shame is interesting because the shame we already have it. 

Zoe: Yeah. 

Heather: We all know it. And I think even if you don't realize how much you're drinking, if you're a drinker like that, you do feel guilt and shame and like shitty about it.

Zoe: Well, and this is another thing that our friend said to my friend that's like struggling with drinking. 

Heather: Mm-hmm. '

Zoe: cause my friend that's struggling with drinking was like, I feel so fucking terrible right now. I feel like shit. My other friend was like, yeah, you should feel like this. Mm-hmm. Like, you should feel bad about your drinking because that's the only way you're gonna change if is if you feel bad and like feel these feelings of shame and guilt.

Like, 

Heather: yeah, 

Zoe: it is good. Like, it's not good to make your friend feel shame, but like that's the only thing that's gonna like make her wanna like do better. Yeah. You know, you can't baby addicts too much. Like, they'll just fucking keep doing it over and over again until some real [00:33:00] consequences happen. Or like Yeah.

You fucking yell at them. Like, it sucks to yell at your friend. I know that. But sometimes it's what we need to snap the fuck out of it. Yeah. 

Heather: I, I don't think that you can say anything wrong to your friend. Yeah. I I think that whatever emotions come up, 'cause you're not gonna say, I fucking hate you dumb alcoholic.

No, but maybe you will. Yeah, 

Zoe: that's true. 

Heather: And that's not great and you're not gonna feel great about that. But it is also like how you feel in the moment. Yeah. And addiction makes people feel fucking crazy whether you're the addict or you're the friend. Yeah. It, it makes you feel crazy. An addict cannot be the priority in your life.

Mm-hmm. It can't. They can't. Yeah. Yeah. You have to be your biggest priority and if your mental health is suffering because your friend is addicted to something Yeah. Put 

Zoe: yourself first. You have to. Yeah. 

Heather: Because it's, it's nothing you do is going to change them because then you won't 

Zoe: be able to help them when they are ready.

Yeah. 'cause you'll just be in so much pain yourself. Yeah. You have to make sure you're good so that your friend is ready. Yeah. She [00:34:00] has you to go to. 

Heather: Yeah. You know, 

Zoe: like you just have to say like, you're gonna always be a support for her, but like, this is making you fucking. So sad and that you need to take a step back.

Yeah. I'm here for 

Heather: you. When you're ready. I think you can also say exactly what you said in this email. Like, yeah, I'm worried about you. Mm-hmm. I don't wanna shame you. That's, I don't wanna make you feel like I don't like you. I'm worried and I don't wanna be around somebody who's hurting themselves. Yeah.

That's hard for me to watch. Yeah. And so maybe we can't be as close friends right now. Yeah. However, I'm here always. Yeah. I think that's perfect. Yeah. We say all the time like, you can't get someone else to get sober. But if you, if you start taking things away from them, if you start distancing yourself, it's gonna go one of two ways.

Either they're gonna be like, fine, fuck you, and I'll isolate even more. And then maybe that'll get them closer to getting sober. Yeah. But there isn't anything you can do as a friend. Not really. You know? And I think you need to know that 

Zoe: and like just not being around them when they're drinking all the time.

Yeah. Will. You can't be around [00:35:00] someone who has a problem and just like allow them to drink around. Mm-hmm. You, because you are enabling 

Heather: in that moment. Yeah. Like that is enablement. Yeah. It's a fine line between like enabling someone and ditching them. Yeah. And it's like it all has to come back to you.

Mm-hmm. And, but I, I think that's true. I think say your feelings. I think I don't wanna shame you. Yeah. I'm very worried about you. This is affecting me. I don't wanna be around it. 

Zoe: I agree. I think that's fine. Perfect. 

Heather: Thank you for your question. Thanks. Next. Won't I wanna stop drinking, but I'm scared I'll be boring.

Help. Same. I thought that. Mm-hmm. I thought that too. I didn't 

Zoe: know. I didn't know that I had a personality. Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Heather: Which is so funny because, so funny. You have such a fucking personality that. I, this is probably how you see me too. Yeah. 'cause I went into rehab being like, I don't know how to make friends.

I don't know how to talk to anyone. I don't know if I'm funny. I don't know if I'm nice. I don't know if people like me and just like, not drinking is boring. 

Zoe: I thought, I thought like, you're just like a fucking loser who doesn't drink. Yeah. You [00:36:00] know, it's 

Heather: like, I'm gonna be boring. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's what they're saying.

I'm scared I, I'll be boring. I'll be boring. Yeah. 

Zoe: Because innately like without alcohol, life is boring, I guess. You know? I think it's like, that is such an interesting question. But like every, everyone thinks that when they're gonna get sober, like everyone thinks I can't be sober, I'm gonna be boring.

Like, that's a very universal. Mm-hmm. Just point that everyone thinks. Yeah. And it's like I was boring in my addiction. Yeah. All I fucking did. That's what I was gonna say was drink to the point of oblivion. That's boring. That's so boring. Yeah. Like I'm doing 

Heather: so 

Zoe: much, 

Heather: so many things now every single day.

Not a thought in my head, not an interesting point of view. Not like not caring about my friends. Yeah. That's the thing, thinking that you're super fun now when you're drunk. Mm-hmm. You're not. Yeah. And being sorry, but you're not fun. And being drunk with your friends is like honest to God, not anywhere more fun than being sober with your friends.

Yeah, that's true. I know that's like [00:37:00] how, it's hard, but it is true. Mm-hmm. At least when you're sober, you're remembering things. Mm-hmm. And you're building on friendships, and you're coveting things and you're, yeah. Like you're becoming a better person. You're out with your friends and you're like, okay, if I wasn't drinking, I'd have nothing to say.

I'd be boring. I wouldn't be funny, I wouldn't be laughing. What's what is boring. Yeah. Because if you're out with your friends and you're having conversation, that's not boring to me. No, that's fun. I I actually think that boring isn't a worry at all. No. I just don't think that that's a worry. Yeah. Are you gonna feel a little out of place if you're the only one not drinking for the first few months?

Yeah. You are. 

Zoe: Yeah. But you can also find sober friends then, like, goes away and you can find sober friends. Mm-hmm. And also like, when I'm around people who are drinking, I feel like, I like feel drunk off of them. You know? Yeah. Like, I feel like, like they're getting a little bit loose, so I'm like, Ooh, I'm gonna get a little bit loose too with it.

Yeah. Like, 

Heather: it, 

Zoe: it lets everyone's into inhibitions down. Mm-hmm. And then like, I [00:38:00] feel like kind of drunk too. Yeah. Like you get the same, like Yeah. You feel the same things as a drunk person, as a sober person. Yeah. Like I feel like Yeah. The nights. It's nighttime. Everyone's having a good time. Yeah. I feel all the same things as a drunk person does.

Yeah. Except no throwing up and no Yeah. Regret and No, and I'm not making a fool outta myself. Like I'm aware. I'm just having a good time in myself and trusting myself. 

Heather: Yeah. And we, we felt like we, we, we really did feel like that. We really, I think everybody feels like that. Yeah. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I get sober.

I don't know who I'm gonna be. Yeah. I think that's actually really fucking exciting. Yeah. Now listen, you're not gonna just go to dinner with your friends. Yeah. And all of a sudden be like the life of the party. Of course not. That's not gonna happen. And you have to find yourself in sobriety. Yeah. And once you do, you'll love it.

Yeah. But yeah, it's okay to be the InBetween of things. Yeah. Is so okay to feel like, oh, I wasn't super fun, or Yeah. Oh, I was a little boring. Or like, oh, I was really [00:39:00] hyper. Like there's, it's okay to feel those ways if you don't, you think at least you're feeling things. At least you're feeling something again.

And And boring people don't know. They're boring and boring. People don't worry about being boring. So if you're worried about it, no one's gonna say, Hey, you're fucking boring. You know? Yeah. Probably not. But you're not boring. You're not boring. Nah. Don't worry about being boring. Do you know 

Zoe: someone who's boring?

Heather: I do know a man that's really boring, but he doesn't think he's boring and he doesn't know, and he's never asked anyone. He's not concerned whether he's boring or not. If you're concerned, whether you're boring or not, you're not boring. You're boring. Probably not boring. Not boring. Yeah, 

Zoe: true. Yeah. You're gonna be fine.

But it's also like, it would make me feel better that like literally everyone thinks that when they're getting sober, like that's one of the main things that people talk about in the meetings like that you're totally fine. You're gonna look on the other side of things and be like, oh my God. 

Heather: Yeah. One of my rehab counselors said to me.

If you have a problem sitting with yourself and being bored, if you can't do that and you have to drink, then we've got a problem. Yeah. [00:40:00] You've got to get to know yourself. Yeah. You gotta sit with yourself bored. That's the other thing. Like boredom is good. Yeah. Boredom is discovery. Boredom is realizing things about yourself and you should be bored sometimes.

Yeah. We're allowed to be bored. You don't, you should not have to fill that with substances. 

Zoe: Exactly. And like before, I could never sit in my house by myself without drinking. Mm-hmm. And now it's literally my favorite thing to do is just sit with myself because I fucking love myself. 

Heather: Oh my God, I love myself so much.

Zoe: Same. 

Heather: We've done such a good. Love you so much. I love you so much. We do such a good job. Okay, next question. Should we become therapists? I just am so bad at school, Zoe. I know. I wish there was like a crash course. Also, we can't be therapists. We have way too many opinions on things. That's true. I forgot they have to like not really say anything.

What we could do is have a podcast together. Thank God we do. Oh my God. Oh my God. Where did this come from? Okay, next question. Thank you for that question. Do you think sobriety is becoming, never been more [00:41:00] excited. 

Zoe: Never been more excited in my life. 

Heather: Do you think sobriety is becoming trendy or just more accepted?

Mm. What do we even think about sobriety culture? 

Zoe: Well, trends are what's like popular right now in culture. Right? That's just what a trend is. Yeah, and I think like people right now. With the whole, um, COVID generation. Yeah. Like some of the kids are scared to drink. Mm-hmm. So mocktails are more popular.

Yeah. And I think people are now realizing that yeah, drinking alcohol is poison and I don't wanna do that. Yeah. And like, the people who don't have problems are like, yeah, why am I gonna drink one glass of poison a night? May as well have a fun mocktail. I think it is becoming way more accessible. Yeah.

And way more like, there is zero beer everywhere now. Yeah. Like, it's so much more acceptable. 20 years ago it was not a thing to 2020. Like four even. Yeah. Yeah. Like pre COVID. Pre COVID. [00:42:00] Yeah. There was nothing. Mm-hmm. But I think it's just, yeah, it's a trend because that's what people are actually leaning towards these days.

Yeah. Yeah. There's is to not drink. 

Heather: There's like an uptick in mental health. Yeah. That's definitely more accessible. It's more on our phones. I also think there is a, I mean, trendy. Trendy is kind of like a buzzword, but I, yeah. I feel like, in my opinion, what I'm seeing on my Instagram is a lot of A DHD diagnoses, whether they're self diagnoses or things like that, and the link between a DH, ADHD and drinking.

Yeah. Like a lot of women right now are just like. Oh, I'm not drinking because I have a DHD or I have this or I have that. Yeah. And they're realizing that it is fucking up their hormones or their bodies. Yeah. It is a depressant too. Like Yeah. And being 30 and putting depressants or anybody. Yeah. But I think also, this is my algorithm because this is my age.

I'm like seeing these women who are like getting off of birth control for the first time since they were 14. Trying to get pregnant. Yeah. Being like, why am I so [00:43:00] tired all the time? Oh, A DHD, this, this and that. And then it's like, oh, alcohol is the first thing to cut out. Yeah. So I don't necessarily know if like being sober is the trend or if just like health 

Zoe: is the 

Heather: trend.

Zoe: I think it's more, health is, health is the trend, to be honest. Because like, I don't think, like people are like, there are some people in my life that are sober, sober who aren't alcoholics or addicts. That's just like, they prefer not to drink. So weird. Yeah. 

Heather: It's like crazy. It's like, so what do you mean that was always so crazy?

Like I understand drinking way too much and then having to stop. Yeah. Yeah. But just being like, not for me. It doesn't, it doesn't, you know. It doesn't, it's not conducive to my life. I'm like, make it conducive. I'm like, what do you mean? My life was conducive around drinking? Yeah. Like I, I never even had the option to be like, exactly.

It's not for me. It's not for me. Yeah. Sometimes I'll be like, oh, I haven't had potato chips in like a month. And then I'm like, man, I could've never said that about alcohol. Yeah. I just, it's my, every, it was my everything. Yeah. [00:44:00] What was the question? Oh, trendy. Trendy. 

Zoe: Trendy. I think like, even going to that event last night, like there was mocktail options at every one of the floors mm-hmm.

Of like the, uh, space. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: Which I, yeah. Like four years ago, that wouldn't have been an option. There would've just been water or cocktails or shots, you know? Yeah. Like, it wouldn't have even been an option. And I, it's more accessible, so it is like, people want to not drink all the time, like on a random Wednesday night.

Yeah. Like, you know, like. And then if you are having like four plus drinks on a random Wednesday night, like look inward. Yeah. Like you might have a problem. 

Heather: Yeah. I think the good thing now is like mocktails are available. Yeah. And if you, what you just said Yeah. If you do wanna go out there is the option.

Yeah. To not get fucked up. 

Zoe: Yeah. 

Heather: Like there's an option to go home at nine, you know? Yeah. I think the trend is though, health and wellness. I think so too. I, I think, I mean, we're always in health and wellness of some, it's either like having like a big [00:45:00] ass at the gym or like being a vegan or not drinking or being thin or green juice.

Yeah. Or like getting a facelift. It all just feels like it's always something. It's going. Yeah. 

Zoe: And, and so, but I think that like, going forward, I don't think that people, like, I think that mocktails will stay and I think that sober options will stay, which is amazing. Like it is a good time in life to be sober right now because there's.

It's accessible. Yeah. 

Heather: And whether you're being so aware because you're like following a trend or whatever, that's good. That's good As, as long as like you're saving your life, you're saving your life, you're your life, you're saving your money, you're saving your mental health, your heart, all of it.

Literally, your skin, your teeth. Mm-hmm. I think it's, I don't, I, I, I do, I I feel, the way I see it is that there it is trendy. Yeah. It's been trendy a little bit. And I think that's amazing. Yeah. Um, I also think there is like a lot of alcohol in the world and like big alcohol is a massive machine. Yeah. And so I think that I worry that they're gonna try and fight against it, but I [00:46:00] think 

Zoe: Well, they're just gonna put out like mocktails.

Yeah. Price them up the same amount as alcohol is. Yeah. Which is insane. Well just get a pineapple juice. Yeah. And ginger ale, please don't spend so much fucking 

Heather: crazy ass money. Yeah. And also Zoe gets pineapple juice. I get like a $16 mocktail every time because I'm just like, whatever. 

Zoe: Yeah. Trendy or not, it's a good thing.

Like Yeah. At least like, I mean, cocaine is trendy too, but like we're not gonna follow that trend. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: And 

Heather: I think with, I think with, yeah, I think with trends they like ebb and flow. Yeah. So I think that there are a lot of people who do like a dry January or they do stuff like that. Yeah. Or they try to be sober.

Or they are sober for a year and then they start drinking again. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think it's, I think it's a trend and I think it's a great trend to follow. Yeah. It's like it's teaching people that there is an option, a different lifestyle. 

Zoe: Yeah. Because also no one even thought about how like, oh, maybe I can have a mocktail tonight.

It was just like, no, we're just gonna have a cocktail. You know? Yeah. Like at least now. [00:47:00] People don't want, they can think like, oh, I actually don't wanna drink tonight. Yeah. I feel like that wasn't even an option. It really 

Heather: wasn't. No, I think it's great. It's very exciting. It's great. Oh, I love Mocktail Nation.

Yeah. And I, one last thing, I feel like I make it acceptable to drink mocktails. Yeah. Like I make it acceptable. You make it acceptable to be sober. Yeah. It's like we go into a place and it's like, do you wanna drink? And it's like, yeah, I'll have this mocktail. Yeah. I don't give a fuck no if anyone cares if I'm drinking or not.

Yeah. So like I make it acceptable. Just make it acceptable for yourself and 

Zoe: like it's cool and also it's acceptable, it's cool to like not follow so cool what everyone else is doing. It's cool to be different. Yeah. And it's cool to put yourself first and prioritize 

Heather: your health. A hundred percent. Next question.

Next question. Cap. Can you stay in a relationship if one person is sober and one isn't? What if your partner doesn't get why sobriety is a big deal to you? So I think those are two questions. Well, 

Zoe: did they, was she sober and then met this [00:48:00] guy? Hmm. Or I don't know. Were they together and then she got sober is 

Heather: okay, well we can go through both.

Let's go through both. So if she's sober and she met someone who's not sober. Yeah. I think that's an interesting situation. 

Zoe: I think then like she chose to be with him. Yeah. You 

Heather: know? 

Zoe: Yeah. And like clearly she chose him because like he supports her in some way. Yeah. You know, it's, I think like when I was dating other guys who were drinking, like it was fine for me.

Mm-hmm. But also I didn't really give a shit about them. So I guess it would be different to actually. Be in a healthy relationship with someone who is still drinking. I think I would never be able to be in a relationship with someone who drinks every fucking day. No. Like if they drank like once a weekend, I would be fine with that.

And I think that would be okay. Mm-hmm. Because again, like I don't wanna rely on my partner to keep me sober. Yeah. I'm relying on my sponsor to keep me sober. I'm relying on the meetings like, like I have other things. I don't [00:49:00] wanna rely on my partner, so I don't necessarily need him to understand. Mm-hmm.

Sobriety fully. Yeah. That's what I think personally. 

Heather: Yeah. I think it also depends too, why you're sober. Yeah. Are you sober because you're an addict and you have a or? Or you have that's true issues around drinking and you really can't and you need a sober companion. Yeah. But then again, like your sober companion can 

Zoe: be like your friends or your sponsors.

Yes, of 

Heather: course. But for me as an addict, I now, in my life, I don't. I'm not searching out people who are drinking. I'm not because I, I don't, I don't do it. I don't like it. It's not for me. I can't do it. 

Zoe: Yeah. 

Heather: So you don't think you would ev your partner would 

Zoe: ever be someone who like drinks casually? 

Heather: It's 

Zoe: possible.

Yeah. 

Heather: Um, the person I'm with now does not Yeah. And I like it a lot. Yeah. Like, it is honestly 

Zoe: really nice that my boyfriend's sober too and that like, we get each other. 

Heather: Yeah. 'cause hanging out is a different thing for us. We're not like going, I mean, we can, we, we can go to a bar and get like a zero zero beer.

Sure. Yeah. But we're not getting fucked up. Yeah. Like [00:50:00] it's, um, it's really nice to never have to think about alcohol in that way. Yeah. Um, if I did date somebody, I, I, I think the answer is like, yes. Yeah. You can be sober and be with a person who's not. Um, I think you just like can't 

Zoe: rely on them to like, 

Heather: keep you sober 

Zoe: though because they don't understand it.

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: Like that. Like if you're dating someone who drinks casually. They're not gonna understand. Like you can't expect them to understand either. You can't force them, you can't try to make them understand. No, they're not gonna understand. Period. End of story. Yeah. You have to have other people in your life that understand and like, don't, you can't put that on your partner 'cause he doesn't get it.

Heather: No. Yeah. I think boundaries are a good thing. Like I think, you know, after you just asked me that question, would I ever date someone that's drinking? I, I don't think you would. I just don't think I would. Yeah. It's not my lifestyle at all. And I just feel like I, I am such a sober person. Like Yeah. I, I don't want that to be part [00:51:00] of your life.

Like, I know about alcohol now and you shouldn't be doing it. Yeah. 

Zoe: And I 

Heather: just, I just, yeah. I, I, I like my life being sober and not never being, because listen, having someone come home and crawl into my bed at 3:00 AM and kiss me and them being like, whiskey mouth, I don't know. I'm not doing that. I feel 

Zoe: like it's fine for me 'cause I have a superior.

Superiority complex. Sure. And I'm like, oh yeah. Like I'm better than you because you're totally, you drank tonight and I didn't Yeah. You know, like I'm better than you. So like, I feel like that's where, that's not maybe like not gonna be a healthy relationship, but I think that's what make, would make me feel fine with my boyfriend drinking.

Yeah. 

Heather: Would you wanna be around your boyfriend if he was drinking? 

Zoe: Like if we're going out Okay. To like a party or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. He can drink because I don't know if I wanna be, but if he was drinking every single night, no, I can't be with you. No. We need to be able to do things sober. We need to be able to go to dinners and you not have to order a drink.

Yeah. Like we're like, you can drink once [00:52:00] in like once a week. That's also if we're going out, that's 

Heather: also interesting. 'cause I'm not gonna put restrictions on a person I'm dating. Yeah. With their alcohol. If that's the hard thing. I had a friend in rehab who was a alcoholic. Mm-hmm. Duh. A nutso, duh. She was the nicest, sweetest person.

And then the stories of her, when she would drink, she was like running away from cops. Like she was a nutso. I love her. But when she got into her, she's married, and when they got into a relationship, they both just casually drank. Yeah. And I know that he drinks probably, he's probably like a six pack every night kind of person.

Oh really? Or at least like three every night. 

Zoe: Okay. Like, I 

Heather: don't think he's getting fucked up, but he does drink, but he has no interest in stopping. But she, that would bother me. Yeah. But she is a nuts, so, so she had to stop. Yeah. But that, that dynamic when she was in rehab telling us about like her [00:53:00] husband and she was like, you know, he doesn't wanna stop.

And I don't, I know, I don't know how to like be what he needs if like, I need to stop drinking. I don't wanna ask him to stop. And my counselor stopped her and was like. So he either loves you or he doesn't. 

Zoe: Yeah. 

Heather: And if you, if someone is in love with you and they committed to spending their life with you and you can't drink alcohol anymore, they should stop.

And, and he said, if they don't stop, they either don't love you or they have an addiction themselves. Yeah. And that was like, holy shit. So 

Zoe: true though. 

Heather: Yeah. My 

Zoe: friend, um, she had a problem and her husband was like, yeah, like, you need to stop drinking, babe. Like, you need to stop. 

Heather: Okay. 

Zoe: Um, and she was like, yeah, I know I need to stop.

And he said that he will stop drinking as well. Mm-hmm. Because she, he would, he knows it would be way too hard on Yeah. Her if he continued to to drink as well. 

Heather: [00:54:00] Yeah. So 

Zoe: now they're both sober, I think like. Maybe three plus years. 

Heather: Wow. 

Zoe: And they just like both don't drink. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: And that was so cool of him to be like, Hey, I know this is gonna be really hard for you to stop fucking drinking, so I'm gonna stop with you.

Yeah. And that is a good partner. It's also so hot. So hot my friend, they smoke weed still, but like Sure. They're fine. Like I think that's the difference. And that's the type of love that I would want. Yeah. You know, like I don't want some guy just like, oh yeah, my wife needs to get sober, but I'm still gonna drink a six pack every night.

Yeah. Fuck you bro. But that person. Also has an addiction. And I think that, yeah, I think he does. Yeah. And I, and you need to look at yourself like, this should be inspiring that your wife's getting sober. You know? Like Yeah. You shouldn't treat her like shit. 

Heather: Yeah. I think there's a lot of, you keep putting her through more, there's a lot of beer culture amongst Yeah.

Mostly amongst the men. And that's not a judgment that's just like That is true. Yeah. And the six pack of beer a, a few beers every night, people think that's very norm core. And it's just, it's [00:55:00] not. Yeah. Like you shouldn't be relying or, or shouldn't whatever 

Zoe: you, it's also just like so bad for you, like, but you're relying getting to health 

Heather: and wellness.

Ugh. Yeah. It's frustrating. It's like, why are you drinking six beers a night? I know. But like even three beers a night, it's like, yeah, you have to take the edge off after the kids go to Bed Shore, but you still are relying on those three beers. Yeah. Like if you were told like, oh, I can't have those three beers tonight.

You would go crazy probably. Yeah. You wouldn't be thrilled. Yeah. And I think that. Someone pointing out that that is an addiction is really hard. Yeah. And so I'm assuming from my friend whose husband was drinking, I think he's an addict for sure. My other friend, she stopped drinking. She's relapsed a few times.

Her husband got sober like before one of her relapses. So he's actually been sober longer than her now. Oh. But he's cool. He didn't get sober. He, he was fine. Like he didn't have an addiction. Yeah. He didn't wanna keep 

Zoe: drinking around her. 

Heather: Yeah. He was like, if she has to do this. Yeah. I realize that. Like, and 

Zoe: that's like a, that's a normal reaction.

Like if you see [00:56:00] the person that you love Yeah. Have to give up something. 

Heather: Mm-hmm. 

Zoe: Why would you drink that around that person and then like, flaunt it in a way, you know, well, you're probably an addict. And that's going back to the question. Yeah. Like if they. Were together. Mm-hmm. And then she had to stop.

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: I like, same thing. He would've seen why she had to stop. Yeah. You should. He should want to stop drinking too. 

Heather: Yeah. You know, I think if, maybe if you're sober for just like health reasons and you don't have a brain problem. Yeah. Like you can just, yeah, you can. I'm sure there's a lot of people who are like, oh, I don't, I don't think twice about alcohol and I don't care.

But yeah, 

Zoe: if like, you guys aren't on the same page of like your reasonings why I think like maybe it's not gonna work in the long run. Yeah. 

Heather: The other thing, yeah. So it, it really depends, I think whether you're getting into a relationship as a sober person, I think it's a lot to get into a relationship, establish a relationship, establish a flow, being like, yeah, we drink and this and this and this.

One of you has to be like, or one of you is like, I can't do this. I don't wanna do it. Yeah. That [00:57:00] could change your whole dynamic. Yeah. And and it might. 

Zoe: Yeah. But then if he's like supportive of everything. Yeah. And like maybe he doesn't have to stop completely, but like at least like only drink on like very special occasions.

And that's like very supportive to your partner. Yeah. That's like being very helpful in a good partner. Yeah. If you're just like, yeah, like you should stop, you have a problem and then continue to drink. Yeah. It's just like that doesn't make sense to me as being a supportive partner. 

Heather: Yeah. I don't think it's like stupid or dumb or juvenile or like red flaggy to date someone that drinks.

Yeah. If you don't drink. But I think you have to do what's best for you and what's best for you as a person who doesn't drink is your sobriety. A hundred percent. And the person, if you prepare yourself first, always. Yeah. And you. And you can't rely on your partner to keep you sober, period. No. And making the change, making the decision to get sober can change a lot of things.

Yeah. It really can. And it should. 

Zoe: And 

Heather: maybe you don't even 

Zoe: like your partner. Maybe you get sober and you look at your partner, you're like, oh, I actually don't like you at all. Yeah, [00:58:00] 

Heather: that's exactly right. I think that in terms of sobriety, 'cause now the question is what if your partner doesn't get why sobriety is a big deal to you?

I think. I think that just like doesn't mean that you guys are gonna continue. Yeah. I just don't think it like that because you don't have to understand every single part of somebody, but sobriety is so important. Yeah. And personal and a life choice that if you don't get it, that's okay. You're never gonna force someone to get it.

Exactly. Exactly. If they wanna get it, if they have the capacity to get it, maybe they 

Zoe: don't get it and then they want to learn how to get it. Yeah. Perfect. That's great. If they just don't get it and they like, don't share an effort of like actually caring about it at all. Yeah. Then like Yeah. That's just like, not your partner babe.

No, 

Heather: and I think, I think you, it is a little bit your responsibility to explain to your partner, like whether you're in the relationship already. Yeah. Or you're getting into one. It's like, I'm sober this, these are my [00:59:00] boundaries. Yeah. This is what I do. Yeah. Do you fit into that? Yeah. If they don't get it, they don't get it.

And that means they don't get you. Yeah. And then, and then you know what? We're done. And if they don't get you, then they don't 

Zoe: really actually care about you at the end of the day. Like, if they're not like willing to like, care about your sobriety, ask questions, limit their, like stop drinking around you as much.

Yeah. Then they don't, they're not really caring about you as a person. And 

Heather: if someone doesn't get it, I don't think it's your responsibility to then really go out of your way to educate them. No, that's like what you just said. Yeah. If they, if they cared, they'd be willing to learn. Yeah. If they don't care, fuck it.

Yeah. Yeah. Next. Cholesterol. Yeah. Matt. Wow. I don't think I've run into anyone who's like, wait, why? Yeah. Guy in Nashville that was like, oh, come on. Just, 

Zoe: just drink with me. Drink. 

Heather: I mean, I would love for people to stop me on the street and be like, wait, why don't you drink? Yeah. Or if someone was like, are you drinking?

I'm like, no. And they just [01:00:00] go, oh. I go ask me. Ask me why I am a crazy person. Ask me. I can't do it. What? What's this from? Ask me about my wiener. What is, what is that? No, accepted. Accepted, Justin Long. Oh, I don't know.

Okay. I'm so sorry. It's literally not okay. I'm just kidding. Should I post that I'm sober on my dating apps? When should I tell someone I'm sober? I think if you're 

Zoe: newly sober mm-hmm. You should put it in your dating apps and you should tell the person, well. You should tell the person you're talking to before you go on a first date with them.

Like, yeah, I'm not gonna, I'm don't drink, by the way. 

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: I think if you're newly sober, like within like two years. Yeah. You gotta tell them. Mm-hmm. I'd never put it on my dating profile, but I always told them before I went on a date with them. Yeah. That I was sober. I think like now, if I were to, if [01:01:00] I broke up with my boyfriend, I'm not going to, don't worry.

But if I was dating now, I don't feel like I would feel the need to tell them I was sober. Really? Okay. Because like I'm just like way more confident in my sobriety that it doesn't really 

Heather: matter. Wow. Okay. So then you're gonna go, but would you still tell them you're going on when, before you go on a date that you're sober?

Zoe: I would tell them like on the date. Okay. Okay. I don't feel like I would feel the need to tell them before anymore because I'm just like, 

Heather: good. And you don't feel like that's gonna make them feel awkward, that like, oh, they're drinking and you're not. Well, I kinda wanna see the reaction. Okay. In real time.

Okay. You know? Yeah. So Zoe's already here testing them. 

Zoe: I gotta test them. 

Heather: I like everybody around me to know I'm sober at all times. Yeah. I am only two and a half years sober. So like, I don't know how I'm gonna feel when I'm five years sober. But I like that. Well, I guess I fucking love an identity, but I just like love people knowing I'm sober.

I feel like it keeps me safe. Yeah. I think 

Zoe: it does too. And I think [01:02:00] like in the early stages for sure. Yeah. You should be telling everybody a hundred percent. Yeah. But like for now, if I was to date right now, I don't think it would be like a non-negotiable for me to be like, yo, I'm sober. Sure. But I would wanna see their reaction in person.

Like I would obviously tell them, yeah. I don't think it would be like, as like Sterning, because I did take that very seriously and I did was yeah. I was like, I need to tell everybody that I'm sober before I see them. 

Heather: Oh my God. Speaking of that, it's like then telling someone you're sober without trauma dumping on them.

Yeah. Is so crazy. Yeah. My first few dates, I remember my first date, I thought I was so cute and I looked back to pictures and I was cute, but I was still in my de bloating era. Mm-hmm. And it's just I, which is also fine. Yeah. But like, I went to that date and I, I was like a mile a minute talking. Mm-hmm.

Like how I am. Yeah. And I just was like, I'm sober. This is why. And then like, he was sober, so we were talking about that. I honestly think he was [01:03:00] kind of a liar though. I feel like he maybe isn't sober. Interesting. But I went on a first date with this guy and I was like over communicating that I was sober.

I was like overly, overly. Excited about that. Like I had a thing to talk about. Yeah. It was really crazy. And then he didn't call me back and I was talking to my therapist about it and she was like, yeah, it's fine to tell people you're sober, but like maybe pull everything back 20%. 

Zoe: Yeah. You 

Heather: know? 

Zoe: Yeah. I think that like, you know, in your heart, if you should like put it on your dating, like if you're not safe, you should put it in your dating profile.

You know? Like Yeah. If you don't wanna like have that conversation with someone, then just put it in your dating profile so that they know. Yeah. But also not everyone checks the dating profile. You, I 

Heather: don't know if this is like true, but it feels true for me that like putting sober in my dating app kind of also says like, we're not fucking on the first date.

Zoe: Yeah. Well. That's not necessarily, I was fucking on the first date [01:04:00] and I was sober. Sure. That's not 

Heather: necessarily what it means. Yeah. And also like I'm not opposed to fucking on the first date, but it keeps like the pressure off. It does. Yeah. And I feel like it almost is, and like it is a little bit of a PSA of like, yeah, I'm cool and sober.

I've got my wits about me today. Exactly. So 

Zoe: careful, careful. You're not, you're not drugging me tonight. Yeah. Also, I think that like if you're like not yet like there of like accepting your sobriety as a whole, you can just put on your dating profile like, oh, I'm not drinking tonight. Like, or like I have something big coming up.

I can't be drinking. Yeah. Like you don't have to be like, I'm sober. Yeah. If you're not ready to fully admit that. Totally. Totally. If you're just like trying to take a break from it, you can just be like, oh, I'm not drinking tonight. Yeah. And like no questions asked. You don't need to get into it and tell your whole life story.

Heather: Mm-hmm. 

Zoe: You just keep it at that if you are not fully ready to admit everything. 

Heather: Yeah. And those first few dates are interesting, so just. Be gracious with yourself. Yeah. It's fucking hard [01:05:00] to like, have a secret that like, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a junkie and be like, how are you? I'm sober. Why? Well, yeah. But it's like cute to be like, I don't look like a 

Zoe: junkie, but I am.

Yeah, that's true too. 

Heather: That is like our little superpower. 

Zoe: Yeah. 

Heather: Which, but you know, I, um, 

Zoe: I think if you're, if you're newly sober, of course you need to put it on your, on you need to tell 

Heather: people 

Zoe: Yeah. And put it 

Heather: on your profile. Mine will probably be on there for the rest of my life. Yeah. Whether I'm dating or not, I just like it.

I feel like it keeps my sobriety safe. Mm-hmm. It, it also like holds 

Zoe: people accountable. It 

Heather: holds people accountable. It holds me accountable. It's like, I am sober. We're going on this date sober, so I don't even really have to, like, if you ask me what I wanna do, I like, oh, do I wanna go get drinks at this bar?

I'd be like, oh yeah. I'm actually sober. 

Zoe: Yeah. 

Heather: When, and that's the other thing, it'll come up organically usually. Yeah. They'll be like, oh, where do you wanna go? Do you wanna go here and go? Yeah. Great. I don't drink, but I'm happy to go and get like a zero zero or something. Yeah. That's what I usually ate said too.

And then oftentimes they go, oh, oh, well then let's just [01:06:00] go somewhere else. Do something else. Yeah. Like an actual restaurant or something. So it does come up. I've never gotten backlash in a way that's like, oh, dumb slut. You don't drink. Like nobody gives a fuck. So, and if they do, they just won't ask you out.

Yeah. But, uh, yeah, for me it's super easy 'cause I never shut the fuck up about anything ever. So like I immediately tell everyone I'm sober. But you can do what Zoe said and just be like, cute about it. I'm sober, no questions asked. Yeah. You don't have to tell everybody why. 

Zoe: No. And like, you are not ob you're not obligated to tell them anything.

Literally. It's a first fucking date. 

Heather: Yeah. But it is the assumption, I assume it's the assumption. I assume that most people aren't sober. Yeah. And so when someone's asking you out on a date. The, the norm of a date is like to go get a drink. Yeah. And I think it's, it's good for both parties. Yeah. If you tell someone that you're sober, because then that way they have to do a little more work than be like, oh, then we're not gonna a bar then.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. It's like a [01:07:00] little bit of a, what else you got for me, babe? What else? We ain't drinking? So bring the conversation, 

Zoe: run it. 

Heather: Um, that is kind of the end. There is one little ca the one little thing that's well 

Zoe: talking about first dates. What mm-hmm. Would I just thought about this question.

Heather: Yeah. 

Zoe: Where would you want someone to take you as a first date since you are sober? Like what, if guys are listening and like wanna ask a sober girl out? Where would you take them? Where would you wanna go? 

Heather: What I would probably do, I, I would probably ask the girl like. Or the guy like, yeah. Are you into mocktails?

Yeah. Because some people aren't, like, someone like Zoe doesn't super love a mocktail. Yeah. I fucking love a mocktail. Yeah. So you could ask like, 

Zoe: are you, but would you wanna go to a bar on a first date and drink a mocktail? Probably not right. Pro. 

Heather: Probably not. Yeah. Especially, I don't if they were gonna drink alcohol.

I did go to, I did go to a cocktail bar Yeah. On a date with that guy that I, we made out in my car and I almost threw up. Yes. Yeah. I um, we, he took me to a bar and the whole time I had told him I was sober immediately. [01:08:00] Yeah. And the whole time going to that date, I'm like, this is so weird. Like, he's gonna drink.

Yeah. He had three cocktails. Yeah. I had one cocktail and I was like, 

Zoe: yeah, no. I don't think going to a bar on a first date is ideal for a sober person. I think that I would like a picnic. Like bring me flowers. Yeah. Bring me like, that would be fancy sandwich. There's gotta be more options to take sober people and.

More sober 

Heather: things to do. Yeah. I think gonna, A restaurant is nice. I mean it, we have different opinions sometimes about like restaurant on a first date or like an activity. But activity is great. I don't love an our activity. I would love to sit down and have dinner and chit chat. 

Zoe: Yeah. 

Heather: But yeah, there's other sober things to do.

I, 

Zoe: yeah. You 

Heather: can go to a 

Zoe: market. You can go on a walk by the water. You can have a picnic. Like Yeah. There's lots of things to do. Yeah. Get a coffee, go on a little walk, get a coffee, go shopping on Queen, on ancy. Yeah. You know, like there's, there's so much to do, so much to do. And I think that's why like, [01:09:00] I liked my boyfriend so much.

'cause like on our first date we just like went around and like did my usual things together. Yeah. And like he loved it. 

Heather: It's the best. 

Zoe: It's the best. 

Heather: It really is the best. Yeah. Love that. Well, thank you guys so much for your questions, Thankss for questions. I hope we gave you some, some, uh, good little snippets of advice.

Yeah. There. And keep your questions coming 'cause that's really fun, I think. Yeah. They can ask us questions all the time. Whenever Yeah, all the time. Send us a DM, email, whatever you want. Yeah. Don't phone call me. You go phone Call me. I pick up all the time. No. Okay. But, um, yeah, thank you for those questions and I'm really proud of you.

I'm really proud of you, my leva and we're really proud of you. Okay. Goodbye. Are we cringey? I think it's mandatory. Comes with a territory. It's fine. It's fine. Bye. I'm a millennial so I'm allowed to beg. Goodbye. Bye

Thanks for listening to Girl Undrunk. You can follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Girl Undrunk podcast and or send me an email at heather@girlundrunk.com. I also have a grocery list of what I want you to buy us for you. Oh, thank you for doing that. Actually. 

Zoe: Room 1 0 4. The only 

Heather: thing I saw on that list, Zoe just flashed her phone to me.

I, the only thing I saw in the middle of that list was hot dogs, 

Zoe: of course. Because 

Heather: you know why? 'cause it's dog sucking season. Dog sucking. Mm 

mm mm.

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